


Victor's Rehabilitation Journal

by ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl, Spunky0ne



Series: On Our Love: Victor Nikiforov [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Established Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, F/M, M/M, vituuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-08-07 04:10:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 68,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16401065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl/pseuds/ImaTastyPorkCutletBowl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spunky0ne/pseuds/Spunky0ne
Summary: Victor spends two months in rehab to overcome his alcohol addiction.





	1. Intake

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I’ve decided to write you letters, so that you will be with me every day of my rehab, and so that when I come home I can tell you everything. I will do my best here and when I come home, I promise I will be a better husband because of this. I love you and think of you every minute of every day. Please think fondly of me too._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

**Chapter 1: Intake**

_Dear Yuuri,_

_It’s only my first hour here, but it isn’t so bad, really. I already met someone I know. There is a rock singer who composed a song I used a long time ago for one of my programs. He showed me around and introduced me to some of the other patients. It looks like there is plenty to do so I won’t get lazy and fat while I’m here. I don’t know yet how the food is, but I’ll bet there won’t be any pork cutlet bowls here._

_Macca and I miss you so much already. I still feel your warmth with me right now, so I’m okay. I’m just sad when I think of how long it will be until I see you again. But I will keep my promise to you. I will do my best here, and I will come back a better, stronger person. When we are married, you will never have to worry about me getting drunk and doing stupid things. That’s something to look forward to, da? Anyway, I’m tired and planning to lie down and rest for awhile, now that I’ve unpacked. I’ll write things down every day, and when we can talk again, I’ll tell them to you, so maybe you won’t worry about what it’s like here. It’s really okay so far._

_Please be sure to visit my mother and give her hugs for me. And take care of yourself, Yuuri. I want to come back and find that you are okay too, so don’t mope around too much and cry. Keep busy and train hard._

_All my love,_

_Vitya_

XXXXXXXXXX

I’m not sure how long I was asleep. I know it was daylight when I arrived here at the Saint Petersburg Recovery Center, and now it is getting dark outside. At first, when I start to wake up, I notice it smells different. Not unpleasant, but like it’s been cleaned recently. I’m a little cold because I fell asleep on top of the covers, and they’re not my thick, expensive ones. But Maccachin is here, and I was hugging him in my sleep, so at least that doesn’t feel so strange. I was allowed to bring comfortable clothing, toiletries and things to read. Just nothing electronic. Stefan told me that they want patients to focus on meeting and interacting with each other. He says that we will learn from each other, and maybe we will teach each other a few things.

_I don’t care about any of that right now._

_I just wish I could go home._

I want to be lying in my own very soft bed that doesn’t have springs and doesn’t creak every time I move. I want to be burrowed down in crisp, freshly washed sheets that feel new, and my own thick, warm comforter. I want to be able to sleep naked, without worrying someone will come in. I want to be squeezed between Yuuri and Maccachin, so I can smile as I open my eyes, and I can kiss the back of Yuuri’s neck and tell him I love him. The only familiar thing I have now are the soft clothes I’m wearing, and Maccachin next to me.

_But it was like that once before, wasn’t it?_

_A long time ago, the man I thought was my father beat me so badly that I was in the hospital for over a week. When I left the hospital, I didn’t go home. That home wasn’t my home anymore. A tall, grumpy looking man named Yakov Feltsman came to the hospital and showed the nurses papers that said I was to go with him. He led me to a dark colored car and drove me to the Saint Petersburg Ice Center Dormitory. Then, he led me to one of the rooms and gave me a suitcase my mother had packed for me. I took the things out of my suitcase, and put them in the little dresser and desk, then when I was done, I laid down on the bed in my room and cried myself to sleep._

I’m older now, and I understand things better, so I don’t feel like crying this time. I am sad, but holding Maccachin makes me feel like things will be okay. Besides, when I moved to the ice center dorms, I didn’t know anyone. A lot of the other kids who lived there were older, or they already knew each other. And maybe because I was so scared from having been in the hospital, then moving to a new place, I didn’t make friends right away. I didn’t have Maccachin back then, so I was pretty much alone, except for when Yakov would come to talk to me. Since I didn’t have any friends, I focused on the schoolwork that my mentor gave me to do, and I spent lots of time skating. Gradually, as the others saw I was a talented skater, a few of the boys made friends with me, and we began to cause trouble together.

I was fourteen when we started sneaking out to drink and charm our way into dance clubs. Some of the boys also smoked and took drugs, but with Yakov looking over my shoulder, I could only get away with so much. I was lonely a lot of the time, and he knew it, so when my family failed to visit on my sixteenth birthday, he gave me Maccachin, a little standard poodle puppy.

Macca has been my constant companion for over twelve years now. He’s old for that breed, but he still keeps up with me and everyone around me. As I wake up in my room in rehab, he can sense that I’m not happy, so he whines sympathetically and licks my face.

“It’s all right, Maccachin,” I say, trying to sound more confident than I feel, “We don’t have to be here for too long. Just…two months.”

_It is too long._

_But I think even two days would feel too long to be away from everyone and everything I know._

“I’m hungry,” I say, patting him on the head, “and you and I need to get to know everyone.”

I stretch and climb out of bed, then I slip my Russian skating team sweater on because of the chill. I leave my room and head down the hallway. As I walk with Maccachin on my heels, I come across Masha, a petite, but outspoken young woman who is here for alcohol and stimulant abuse.

“Hello…Masha, isn’t it?” I greet her.

She gives a little nod and looks me over appraisingly.

“And you’re Victor Nikiforov,” she notes.

“Just Victor will do.”

“The Russian fairy.”

_I’m aware of her aggressive nature and the fact that she has something against men. I’m not sure what._

“Figure skater.”

“Alcoholic.”

“Yes.”

“You know your way to dinner?” she asks.

“I do.”

“Good,” she says, turning and walking away.

I give Macca a perplexed look.

“Not very friendly, is she?” I say, taking the matter lightly, “Not very cheery, either.”

“Victor!” Vasily’s voice calls out, “Wait up. I’ll come to dinner with you.”

He runs to catch up, then pats Macca on the head and scratches behind his ears.

“You all settled in?”

“Mmhmm, and slept a little to make the first day go by faster.”

“Eh, it’s not so bad, I guess,” he sighs, “except detox really sucks.”

“I haven’t started to feel that yet.”

“You will,” he assures me, shaking his head, “When you do, I’ll be there for you if you need someone.”

“Thanks,” I answer gratefully, “I did detox at home, but then relapsed over the past few weeks.”

He gives me a sympathetic look.

“You know that’s only going to make it worse this time, right?”

“Why is that?” I ask him.

“Because your body will know what you’re trying to do, and it’s gonna fight you. Trust me. I’ve detoxed a few times, and it never gets better, only worse. I hate it. But if I want a chance to go back to performing, I have to do this.”

We stop just outside the cafeteria.

“You’ve been here before?”

“Not here. But, I’ve done rehab a couple of times. I just…have trouble when it comes to getting back out into the real world and everything there, you know?”

“I’m not sure,” I answer, “I’ve never done rehab before, so I have no idea how it will be.”

Vasily gives a little laugh.

“Busy. Much of the reason we don’t screw up will be because we’re always in group or one-on-one meetings, classes or doing work around the facility. He looks around for a moment and shakes his head.

“Maybe if the real world was like that, we wouldn’t be here, right?”

“I suppose.”

He gives me a more cheerful smile.

“Come on. If we don’t eat during meal hours, we don’t eat, you know.”

“Hmm, that’s harsh. I’m not used to being confined by a schedule like that.”

“You will be,” he says, copying Yoda’s warning voice from Return of the Jedi, “Yooooou wiiiiiiiiiill beeeeeee!”

Vasily has a great sense of humor. I remember that from working with him on the music for my old program before. I also recall that he did like to drink. I never saw him taking drugs, though.

“Vasily,” I say as we walk down the row of food choices and make our selections, “what happened that made you have to come here? I know you said you got addicted to opioids, and I remember that you liked to drink. I just don’t remember you taking any drugs when you were around me.”

He leads me to one of several long tables in the room and we sit down.

“I didn’t,” he answers, taking a sip of his soda, “Back then, I did drink a lot, but I wasn’t into the drugs. It was after I made the song for your program and I was performing while drunk. I went too close to the edge of the stage and fell. I broke a leg and ended up in the hospital, then my manager said he wanted me to go to rehab for the alcohol abuse. I blew him off…fired him, because there were plenty of other managers willing to take on a moneymaker, and even injured, I was still making good music. I was taking opioids for pain and got hooked on those, so my next manager told me to go to rehab or he was quitting. Word got around that I was trouble, so I had less options, you know?”

“Ah…”

“So, I did the rehab and got clean. I went back to work, writing and performing, but my leg and hip still bothered me. I started getting pills from a friend to deal with it, since I couldn’t get them myself, and I ended up hooked again. One night, I drank too much and took some pain pills, and I ended up in the hospital again. When I woke up, I was in restraints, and they said that they thought I did it on purpose to try to kill myself.”

“Vasily…”

“This time, I ended up in court and was ordered to rehab. I was sent to one place, but got kicked out for getting into a fight with a real jerk who was in the program. So, now it’s this or the psycho ward.”

“Damn it, I had no idea things were like that for you,” I tell him, “I wish we hadn’t lost touch.”

“Yeah, me too,” he says, trying to sound cheerful, but falling a bit short, “I’m doing okay here. This is a good program. Just ignore Masha’s rudeness and everyone’s pretty okay. Yegor will get pissy if he backslides. So I’ve heard, anyway.”

“Thanks for the warning,” I chuckle.

“Petya, over there, keeps to himself most of the time, but he watches people closely, and he’ll call bullshit on you in group if you try to be deceptive.”

“That shouldn’t be a problem for me. I’ve got no issue admitting I have a drinking problem. I want to get well, so that I can go home.”

Vasily smiles.

“To the Japanese boy I heard about?” he asks, “Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude or anything.”

“It’s fine,” I assure him.

“I don’t recall you being gay. You were effeminate, and you said that it was for performance. You had a girlfriend then.”

“I did,” I affirm, “I thought myself to be heterosexual, but maybe that is because I was just never attracted to a man before. Yuuri is the first man I’ve been attracted to.”

“That must have been a shock.”

“To me and some other people,” I laugh, “but mostly people have been accepting. Except maybe for the Russian government. They told us not to make a public display of our relationship, so we’re careful now not to do anything in public to get ourselves in trouble.”

“Man, that stinks.”

He considers that quietly as we start to eat.

“It does,” I agree, “but there isn’t a lot we can do. At least, not as long as we’re still both skating. We’re thinking of marrying in Denmark and moving away once we retire from skating.”

“Marriage!” Vasily exclaims with a skeptical edge to his voice, “That’s a trap I just decided I don’t need.”

“Have you been married?”

“No, no never,” he says, moving his hand like he’s brushing the idea off, “I just wanna sing and write songs. That’s pretty much it. I can do that pretty much as long as I have a voice, since I’m well known.”

“You sound like you really know what you want.”

“So do you,” he laughs, raising his soda cup, “To getting outta here and getting what we want.”

“I’ll drink to that,” I say, tapping my cup against his, then we both take a drink.

We look up as Masha plunks herself down at the table, not sitting with us exactly, but close enough to talk.

“Got yourself a hot prospect, Vas?” she snorts.

My friend narrows his eyes and huffs out a little breath.

“Piss off, Mush.”

Masha snickers and digs into her food.

“Don’t mind her,” Vasily tells me, “She doesn’t know when to shut up, and she’s got no damned filter.”

“Hey, I say it how it is,” Masha snickers, “I haven’t seen you get so cozy with anyone since you got here.”

“Well, Victor and I are old friends.”

“Rehab buddies?” she asks.

“Nope, Vic’s a newbie. I’m just showing him how it goes.”

“Right,” Masha chuckles, “He looks like he learns quick.”

“Mind if ask how you ended up here?” I ask, meaning to break the tension.

“Yeah,” she laughs, “I do.”

Vasily rolls his eyes.

“Like I said, don’t mind her rudeness. Better yet, just ignore her completely. You’ll be happier.”

_I wonder if any kind of happiness is even possible here. I miss Yuuri so much, and even though I know Vasily, I can see already that Masha is going to be confrontational. Petya is going to be watching. How strange are the other people here? Do all of them have more than just substance issues?_

_Stefan said that I suffer from alcoholism and depression. I wonder how I’ll get any less depressed being here._

I pick at my food, but my appetite seems to have left me. When Vasily’s finished, we walk back to my room together. I notice that the work schedule has been updated and I’m scheduled to clean the bathrooms at 8:30 am.

_Great…of course, I should expect that the absolute shit work is given to the new people, sort of to let them know where they rank in the hierarchy. I just have to quietly do what’s assigned to me. They are just waiting to see me turn up my nose at being given such a nasty thing to have to do._

_But I lived in the ice center dormitories and I know how these closed communities work. I won’t let it get to me. Humility will work better than bravado._

“Ugh!” Vasily groans, “You’ve got bathroom duty. That sucks.”

“It’s fine,” I sigh sleepily.

“You know, Masha made the schedule.”

“It figures.”

“Yeah, she’s got it in for you. Watch out.”

I give Vasily a confused look.

“Why would she have it in for me? I haven’t even been here for a day. I haven’t done a thing to her.”

“You don’t need to,” he says dryly, “You have a dick, she’ll resent you for it.”

“But why?”

“Who knows?” Vasily grunts, shaking his head, “Psycho…”

Maccachin and I go into our room and I change into my pajamas and brush my teeth. I sit down on the bed and pet Macca a little.

“There’s a story there,” I think aloud, “I think she acts like she doesn’t want to tell it, but there is a way to get her to. I want to know why she’s like that, so tomorrow, we’ll start working on finding out.”


	2. Cinderfellas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor toughs out his first day in rehab.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I got to try the food for dinner last night and it really wasn’t too bad. It made me think back to when I was a kid and lived in the ice center dormitory. It’s probably good I had that experience so I know important little details, like if it’s called casserole or stew, then it’s whatever was left over from the day before, thrown into a pot and covered with spices and gravy. Yes, it’s better to stick to things that you can identify by looking at them. Those things tend to be more plain, but they are also safer._ **

**_It was hard to fall asleep last night, because I’m used to having you there. It was a comfort to have Maccachin, but I really miss the way it feels to touch your smooth skin, to breathe in your sweet scent, to feel you lace your fingers together with mine. I was lucky to be given a room that is facing where the moon is, at least for right now. I can look out at it, while I’m not sleeping and enjoy the way it looks so misted with the clouds all around it._ **

**_It’s a good thing I’m usually up early, because I’m assigned to clean the bathrooms in the morning, and the work time is during breakfast hours. I have to be sure to eat early because I have a meeting with my behavioral psychologist just after my work time, and I understand they’re pretty strict about being on time. If you aren’t to the cafeteria on time, you don’t eat. If you are late to group, you are scolded. If you miss your laundry time, you go without clean clothes until the next week. Yes, it’s very much like being back in the dormitory._ **

**_Did I tell you that I was a troublemaker back then?_ **

**_I did, didn’t I?_ **

**_Ah, it’s time to get up, so I’ll write more later._ **

**_Be well._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

I first notice something is off next morning when it seems too light for the time on my clock. I’m not able to sleep well anyway, so even though it’s an hour early, I get up and dress, and I take Maccachin outside to relieve himself. It’s then that I notice all of the other clocks are one hour ahead of mine.

I know damned well that they weren’t when I went to sleep. I checked them carefully and set an alarm to be sure that I was up on time.

_So, someone slipped into my room during one of the times when I dropped off for awhile, and they reset the clock. I suppose I don’t have to wonder who._

The end result is that there is literally no time for me to eat. I have to go immediately to work on cleaning the bathrooms, then to my behavioral psychologist, and I will not have a meal until lunchtime.

_Now I wish I had eaten more last night._

It’s annoying, and it’s an obvious attempt to make me feel unwelcome, but I found at the dormitory there were bullies too, and that they thrive on seeing their victim struggle. So, I give Macca a little pat on the head and a determined look.

“Let’s go show this bully what we’re made of, eh?”

I get up and dress, then slip on the work apron we’re given to protect our clothing while doing any dusty or dirty chores. I head to the mop and broom closet and use the key I was given to open the door to get the cleaning supplies. As I do, the mop and broom that someone left braced on the edge of the door just miss me as they fall out onto the floor. Somehow, water has leaked all over the floor in the closet, so I am going to have to clean that up too. There is filthy water in the mop bucket, and someone crammed toilet paper into that to make a lovely muck soup.

“Wow,” I snicker, “that’s a lot of effort to go to, just to upset me, isn’t it, Maccachin. I wonder if I should be insulted or if I should feel happy that I’m that much of a threat to someone. Well, what is that Mary Poppins says? _Once begun is half done?_ Oh yes, and don’t they also say to _Whistle while you work._ Let’s do that, _da_?”

I’m not a great singer, but I do like to whistle, so I do that as I empty and refill the mop bucket, then clean up the mess in the little closet. I head to the bathrooms, then. I start with the men’s room, in which I meet a few more residents as they prepare for their day.

There is Tolya, a twenty-one year old man with black hair that has blue streaks in it. He’s a college boy who got in trouble for a hazing ritual that hurt a younger man. He said he only did what he did because he was drunk and wasn’t thinking, so he’s here for a month as part of his punishment for that. He’s known to openly look down on the LGBT folks, so he glares at me when I walk into the bathroom, and he doesn’t say a word.

The other man I meet is older, maybe in his forties. His name is Tomas, and he’s a salesman whose well-being was being impacted by his off hours drinking and drunken gambling. It caused him to rack up a bunch of debt. He’s lucky not to be in jail. He’s not an unfriendly person, but when he introduces himself and shakes my hand, I just feel something strange.

The men’s room isn’t fun to have to clean. And in a place where people are recovering from addiction and are prone to puking and diarrhea, it’s even a bit nastier, but it’s nothing that a long handled cleaning brush, some industrial strength, lemon scented cleaner and a bit of scrubbing can’t cure, so I get to that, being careful not to slosh the toilet water on my clothes. The bathroom empties out except for Macca and me, so I start whistling again. I finish the cleaning quickly and move on to the ladies room.

It’s there that I find a smelly mess truly worthy of my determined adversary.

I knock on the door to make sure no one is inside, then prop the door open. The stench as I enter is ridiculous, and there’s no missing that someone has used feces to write _Victor Nikiforov, Drunken Ice Princess_ on the wall.

“A masterpiece,” I comment to Maccachin.

He goes to lie down outside the door.

“Maccachin, how could you abandon me like that? Come back here!”

He doesn’t budge.

Paper towels have been stuffed into the toilets and clog the drains in the sinks, which are running full steam, and water is spilling over the edges, onto the floor.

“That’s a lot of hatred.”

But I’ve already decided that I’m not going to react.

“Holy shit!” Vasily’s voice says from behind me, “Geez, she must really have it in for you.”

I give a little shrug.

“I think she worked harder making this mess than I will cleaning it up.”

“But you’ll miss breakfast,” he notes.

“I think that’s the point,” I say leaning towards him and lowering my voice as well as using a conspiratorial tone, “And between you and me, it doesn’t matter, really. After this, who could eat anyway?”

Vasily laughs at that, and he grabs the mop.

“What are you doing?” I ask him, “You’ll miss breakfast too.”

“Eh, I already caught a whiff of this crap. Who can eat?” he laughs.

We exchange a look of camaraderie and give each other a little nod, then we start to clean up the horrid mess together, while singing Cinderella’s work song. We get through the first part of the song, then Vasily puts a hand on my arm to stop me.

“No, no, no,” he laughs, “You’re doing it all wrong.”

“What?” I ask, looking at the piece of wall I’m cleaning.

“Not that. You’re singing wrong.”

“Oh,” I say ruefully, “I know. I suck at it.”

“You’re not that bad,” he encourages me, “Just listen.”

He sings a line from the song, and it sounds perfect. It echoes slightly in the bathroom, giving it a lovely feel.

“You’re able to sing in tune,” he tells me, “but you need to tighten up here.”

He rests a hand on my midsection.

“Sing that line,” he instructs me.

As I begin, he pushes on my abdomen, and I tighten it reflexively, amplifying what comes out and giving it that full, echoing sound his had.

“Wow!” I laugh, “What a difference.”

“See. Easy. Now, I should teach you to harmonize,” he offers.

“Oh, I don’t know. I have to get done with this and get to my psychologist.”

“It’ll just take a second.”

He sings the line again with a slightly altered sound, then has me repeat it. We do that several times, then he sings the line as it was originally, while I sing the slightly altered line. It’s hard at first, because I naturally want to switch to the normal way, but he works with me as we continue cleaning. By the time the bathroom is done, the two of us are singing loudly, and in harmony. As we finish the cleaning, we hear slow clapping behind us, and turn to see Masha standing in the doorway, watching.

“Nice work, Cinderfellas,” she snorts, heading into one of the stalls, “Now, get out so that I can pee in peace.”

I shake my head and start to leave without saying anything, but Vasily grabs my arm and whispers into my ear.

“You know the pee pee song?”

“Oh!” I laugh softly, “You mean that one for children being potty trained?”

“You know it?”

I give him a meaningful look.

“I’m a guy who grew up in a dorm. Of course I know it. We sang it in the bathroom after getting drunk all of the time.”

“Okay, let’s do it!”

We stand in the doorway, facing respectfully outward and singing _The Pee Pee Song,_ taking turns with the lyrics. It’s a beautiful rendition, but Masha’s less than impressed. She does her business, then pushes past us on her way out.

“Morons,” she huffs as she stomps down the hallway.

“What are you two doing there?” snaps a staff nurse, who steps out of one of the nearby rooms.

Vasily and I stiffen.

_She’s scary!_

“N-nothing, just cleaning Nurse Diesel! Erm…Derdova!” I answer, pointing to my cleaning staff apron.

“Are you done?”

“Yes, ma’am!” we shout together.

“Then get out of here.”

“Getting out, ma’am!”

We escape to my room and close the door behind us, hugging each other and laughing hard. I give Vasily a look of gratitude.

“Thanks for helping me.”

“Eh, it’s nothing,” he answers, brushing it off, “I didn’t want you thinking everyone here is a jerk like that, you know? Besides, we got to sing together.”

“It was fun,” I tell him, “We should do it again, but I’ll teach you to dance so that we can perform it like a Broadway production.”

“Who says I can’t dance?” he asks, looking more amused than offended.

“You fell off the stage,” I remind him.

“I was drunk.”

“I’ve skated drunk and never been that clumsy,” I scold him, “You taught me to sing. I’ll teach you to dance.”

He smiles and gives a little shrug.

“What the hell? I’ve got nothing better to do, right?”

“Right!”

“Then, it’s a date. I’ll meet you after dinner in our free time tonight in the exercise room, okay?”

“Okay,” I agree.

After he leaves, I hastily shower and dress again, then I hurry to my psychologist’s office. I find Stefan in the room with an older man with greying black hair and solemn brown eyes. He wears rimless spectacles and a white lab coat.

“Good morning, Victor,” Stefan greets me, standing slightly in front of the elder man, “This is Doctor Bershov, who is going to be assessing your emotional needs and working on addressing them.”

“It’s good to meet you, Victor,” Doctor Bershov adds, extending a hand.

“Nice to meet you,” I respond, taking his hand firmly and looking into his eyes.

“Please, sit down,” he says, indicating a chair on one side of his desk.

He sits down on the opposite side with Stefan in a chair on the side of the desk. His eyes scan a page in the open file in front of him, then look back at me.

“Stefan tells me that there have been some changes in the information since the day of your intake…some very striking changes, if I recall correctly.”

“Yes,” I affirm, “It was after the first meeting with Stefan that I began to remember things from my childhood that I hadn’t remembered at the time of the interview and exam.”

“And what was it you remembered?”

He writes onto the page in front of him as I answer.

“I remembered having bruises on my body, then I remembered Modya Nikiforov, the man I knew as my father, had beaten me numerous times as a child. One time, he beat me so badly that I was hospitalized.”

He sifts through the records in my medical file.

“When was that?”

“When I was seven years old.”

He finds the doctor’s report and frowns.

“This says that at seven years old, you were attacked by other children.”

“My mother was forced by Modya to lie about it. Modya attacked me when I interfered while he was drunk and beating my mother.”

“I see.”

He scans the information in front of him again.

“After your hospitalization, you were given into the custody of…?”

“Yakov Feltsman,” I answer, “He had noticed me at a skating exhibition and recognized my talent. He also saw signs that I was being abused, and he took me into the in house training program, both because of my skating ability and to protect me from Modya.”

“You keep referring to the fact that you thought Modya Nikiforov was your father. But he was not?”

“No,” I answer, “Yakov Feltsman is my biological father.”

“Oh?” he muses, looking at me curiously.

“Years before he became my guardian, my father threw my mother out of the car onto the side of a snowy road. Yakov rescued her from the cold and from being annoyed by some men who were trying to assault her. He took her to his home because there was a storm…and well, one thing, as they say, led to another. So, here I am.”

“Modya knew about this?” the doctor asks.

“I believe he did. It would explain why he liked to beat me, and why he tied me down a few weeks ago and tried to murder me.”

“He tried to kill you how?”

“He slashed my arm,” I say, showing him the healing mark, “He was trying to drain out my blood and put his into me through an IV. Our blood types don’t match, so if I didn’t die from blood loss, I would have had problems because of the mixing of our blood.”

“Did you receive any kind of counseling after this?” he asks.

“Well,” I answer, “Stefan has been with me most of the time, and we’ve done a lot of talking about that and other things.”

“Have you had nightmares? Night terrors? Losses of your connection with reality?”

“Just nightmares.”

“Any urges or impulses to do things to harm yourself or others?

“No, never.”

“Blackouts?”

“No.”

“Have you been prescribed any medications to alter your emotional intensity, or to keep you calm?”

“Hmm, I was given a sedative to help me cope while I was withdrawing from alcohol recently.”

“So, you have already gone through detoxification?”

“I started to before coming here, but I had a relapse and have been limiting the amount I’ve been drinking, rather than tackling full detoxification.”

He continues with the battery of questions, then looks over the center’s offerings with me.

“I think that you could benefit from counseling sessions with me, as well as classes in Mindfulness Training and also Management of PTSD.”

“PTSD? From what?”

He gives me a look like _Are you seriously asking me that?_ Then, he shakes his head.

“I would say that recovering memories of childhood abuse and being attacked and nearly murdered by your father, then seeing your father killed would put you at high risk for PTSD.”

“But I don’t have PTSD,” I object, “Isn’t that when you keep having flashbacks and lose touch with reality and have a nervous breakdown or something?”

“Well…”

“I’m here because I’m a drunk. I’ve been drinking since I was fourteen, and I never needed a reason.”

“I think drinking is a crutch for you,” Bershov insists.

“It’s an outlet, nothing more.”

“Let me see if I can make this clear for you,” he goes on.

I stop short of rolling my eyes, but not by much.

“Think about the time noted more recently in your records, when you became drunk and were hospitalized. There was a reason that time, wasn’t there?”

I let out an impatient breath.

“Yuuri, my fia…my _student_ , was going to have me resign as his coach, and I took it badly.”

“Abandonment,” he says stiffly, “Name another time you got drunk.”

“With friends in the ice center dormitories, starting when I was fourteen.”

“Why were you in the dormitories?”

“I was training…”

“No, that’s not why you were living there.”

I have to stop at that.

_He’s right there was more to it…_

“Your father beat you and you had to live away from your family. Did they visit you?”

“S-sometimes…ah…not really,” I stammer.

_What’s with this guy?_

“Abandonment,” he says again, “Victor, there isn’t a time you’ve gotten drunk that wasn’t somehow connected to feelings of abandonment, loneliness, isolation or detachment, primarily because of abuse. You are only fooling yourself if you say different.”

“You make it seem like there’s something wrong with me!” I shout at him, “Sure, things have been hard, but I’m not like that. I’m not depressed or lonely, except for being _here_ , instead of at home with people who actually _want_ me there!”

_Oops…I don’t think I meant to say that._

Stefan gives me a concerned look.

“Victor, do you think that someone doesn’t want you here? Did someone do something to make you feel unwelcome?”

I think of Masha’s angry face and the way she set me up to not eat, and to have to clean the bathroom she destroyed.

Then, I think again that there’s a story there, and saying something to these men might not be the best thing if I want her to ever trust me.

_Why do I want her to trust me?_

“I don’t know why I said that,” I sigh, lowering my eyes, “Sorry, I was just…angry. I just don’t like that this person who doesn’t know me at all is trying to say things I don’t feel about myself. I don’t feel abandoned and I don’t feel like I’m in an emotional crisis over the shitty things Modya did, or even that he tried to kill me. Things happen to me! They happen to everyone. Life goes on. You just…have to be grateful for the fact you survived, and you have to move on.”

“Victor,” Stefan says softly, “that’s what Doctor Bershov and I are trying to help you do.”

“I’m not that upset over anything,” I insist, even though I suspect that’s not true, “I just want to stop drinking, so that I can go home. I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t like it here. I just want to go home.”

“And you will,” Stefan promises, taking my hand, “But when you do, we want you to have the knowledge and the strategies you need to stay sober. You’re not going to do that if you don’t deal with the emotions that go along with everything that happened to you.”

“But I don’t _feel_ them!” I argue, “I feel fine. Not upset. Not angry. Not distressed. I don’t feel anything bad right now. I just don’t.”

“Just because you’ve become numb to the emotions, doesn’t mean that they’re not there,” Stefan says solemnly, “Doctor Bershov is only recommending the things he has because he wants you to face what’s happened and deal with the emotions instead of sidestepping them entirely.”

“I do not…!”

_But I do._

_Because it was so much a part of becoming successful as a figure skater._

_Smile, even if it hurts._

_Be kind to everyone._

_Never turn down a fan’s request for an autograph or picture._

_Never let emotion break your concentration._

_Push everything else away and just become the program._

_Do I really not have strong feelings about the things he mentioned? The abuse? The abandonment? The lies? The loneliness? Being nearly murdered? Having Yuuri leave me? No, I felt those things while they happened, but after, I just…pushed all of that away. I really don’t feel upset or bad right now, but is it that I’m not upset or is it that I’m not letting myself feel anything?_

_It doesn’t matter._

_I’m not letting anyone tell me what I feel._

_I’ll do what it takes to get out of here, but that’s all._

“Fine,” I say, nodding, “I will join whatever groups you recommend. I’m not going to claim I know what I need to stop drinking. I’ll just do whatever you tell me to.”

I don’t like the way that Doctor Bershov looks at me when I say that. He looks down at my file, then back at me again.

“That, too, seems to be a pattern for you,” he comments.

“What?” I ask, frowning.

He looks at me more closely.

“You seem quite skilled at learning what people want from you, and giving them that to either avoid unpleasant outcomes, or to get something you want. Victor, I wonder how well you really know yourself.”

“How well I know myself?” I repeat, looking into his curious eyes, “I am Victor Nikiforov, professional figure skater and alcohol addict. I will do whatever I have to, so that I can stop being an alcoholic and _go home_!”

I pick up the schedule they gave me and walk out, leaving them staring after me. As I leave the office and start back to my room, I feel surprised that they don’t come after me. I sigh and walk more slowly, anger burning my insides as Bershov’s words ring in my head. I’m so focused on that, it takes me a moment to realize as I pass one of the exercise rooms that Masha is inside, and that’s she’s dancing.

_I know that routine._

_Lilia, Yakov’s first wife, taught me ballet, and those moves are from one of the Bolshoi Ballet’s classics._

She still doesn’t see me standing by the door. I slip inside as she pirouettes, then performs several graceful leaps that carry her in my direction. As she lands the last, I take a ready position and extend a hand in her direction, just as Lilia, herself, taught me, when she instructed me in ballet. Masha’s eyes find me as she lands, and her hand touches mine unintentionally. I lightly take it, but she pulls it free and glares at me.

I stay perfectly still with my hand extended and look directly into her furious eyes.

“I’m familiar with the classics of the Bolshoi Ballet,” I tell her, taking her off her guard, “as I was trained in ballet by Lilia Baranovskaya. If you want to dance this properly, then you are going to need a partner.”


	3. Bleeding Out the Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Vasily begin to suffer from withdrawal.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_Something has happened that’s never happened to me before. The thing that’s happened is that there is a person I’ve met here who really, really doesn’t like me. First of all, very few people have ever disliked me. Modya, of course, did, but he had a reason. Yurio is condescending and sometimes acts like he can’t stand me, but it’s pretty clear that’s all an act. This woman, here at the recovery center has disliked me and mistreated me since the moment we met. She’s playing nasty tricks and she says insulting things. I have no idea why she does this. I’ve done everything I can to be friendly. I wonder what I’m doing wrong._ **

**_But whatever._ **

**_I met my behavioral psychologist, and I can’t decide if I like him or not. It’s kind of like he thinks I’m way more emotional that I am. I tried to explain that I feel things when they happen, and then I just go on with life, but he acted like he didn’t like that, and then he complained that I just do what I have to so that I can avoid bad things or get what I want. He makes me sound damned manipulative! You don’t think I am, do you?_ **

**_I’m just glad I have my friend Vasily. He has been nice to me when Masha, the one who doesn’t like me, treats me like shit. He’s funny, and hey, he taught me to sing correctly, and in harmony too! In return, I’ll be teaching him how to dance._ **

**_I miss you so very much. It’s wonderful having Maccachin to cheer me up, but it’s you that I really need to make things better. I hate thinking of how many more days it will be before I hear your sweet voice again or get to see you. I don’t know how Stefan can think it’s good for us to be separated. Without you, I feel like I’ve lost a big part of myself. I’ll be so glad when this week is over and we can at least talk on the phone sometimes. I’ll be dreaming about you._ **

**_Love you,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

 

Masha’s spiteful eyes look back at me as I continue to stand still with my hand extended, waiting for a response. When she doesn’t answer, I try again.

“I know that routine,” I tell her, “It’s one of the Bolshoi Ballet Classics, and the only people who dance it that well are members of the company or dancers who are trying to make the cut to become a part of the company. Which one are you?”

She still stares at me wordlessly, her eyes glinting like chips of ice.

“You obviously love to dance, or you wouldn’t have gone to such effort to get the moves so precise. I can tell by the way your body moves, by the execution, I’m not wrong. But, it’s fine if you don’t want to tell me. I’m willing to be your partner for this, so you can dance the whole thing. I know this routine and I have danced it with Lilia, herself.”

Masha steps forward, ignoring my offered hand and moving in so her face is close to mine.

“Let me make something clear to you, _ice fairy_ ,” she hisses scathingly, “There is no way that I am _ever_ going to dance this or anything else with _you_!”

“That’s fine,” I answer sternly, “I don’t care if you do or if you don’t. I was just trying, as a person who also very much appreciates dancing, to give us both a chance to enjoy something we love. If you dislike me so much you can’t do that, we won’t. I would, however, appreciate it if you would just tell me what I ever did to you to make you treat me like something you stepped in. From the moment you first looked at me, you’ve treated me like garbage. We didn’t even know each other, so I don’t understand why you would do that. Tell me why.”

She lets out a dismissive breath and turns away.

“You’re smart, right? You figured out the rest of it. Maybe you can figure this out too.”

She stalks out of the room, leaving me alone. A moment later, Maccachin walks into the room.

“Where are you doing here?” I ask him, “I thought you were waiting in our room.”

_If he wasn’t, that makes me wonder how he got out._

_Shit, I must have been careless and left the door to the room open. And with Masha having something against me and already going in to mess with my clock, I wonder if she messed with something else._

“Come on, Maccachin,” I say, frowning, “we’d better get back.

When I get to my room, sure enough, the door is open. I walk inside, unsure what to expect, but mostly it looks the same as it did when I left. The only thing different is that my journal is on the bed, which looks a little rumpled, like someone was lying there. I walk to the bed and pick up the journal. As I do, a slip of paper falls out. I bend over and pick it up, then look at the words written on it.

_Roses are red, violets are blue_

_Your Japanese lover is pretty, but I am the one meant for you._

It’s creepy…very creepy. But it’s just Masha trying to mess with my head, so I crumple up the paper and throw it in the trash. I give Maccachin a meaningful look.

“I think we’ll be locking our door from now on,” I sigh.

I give the room another once over and check to make sure my clock is set properly, then I lay down on my bed and look out the window, through branches of a tree that stands outside.

_I really don’t like it here._

_I want to go home right this minute._

I don’t know if it’s stress or maybe just that I’m tired, but I start to feel an ache in my head and my stomach feels unsettled. I’ve also barely eaten in the last twenty-four hours, so it could be I’m hungry. It’s getting close to lunchtime, so I turn on some music and I draw some sample costumes for Yuuri and me to consider for the next season. I think a little bit about our wedding, but there isn’t much I can do while I’m basically cut off from everything and locked up here.

Okay, maybe it’s not lockup, but it’s very lonely.

I’m glad when it’s time for lunch. I make Maccachin comfortable and carefully lock the door as I leave.

“Stay right here and watch the place. I’ll be back after I eat, and we can go for a walk.”

I head out of the room and walk over to Vasily’s room to see if he wants to go with me. I tap on the door, but there’s no answer. I start to leave, but then I hear something inside the room that sounds like groaning. I know that’s not a good thing, so I tap on the door and call Vasily’s name, then when I hear another groan, I try the door. The door opens and I step into his room.

“Vasily?”

He’s not in the room, but his bathroom door is open.

“Ugh! You should g-go,” he moans uncomfortably.

“Are you all right?” I ask, moving forward into the bathroom, where I find him dressed in his robe and sitting on the floor, leaned against the wall.

“Fuck no,” he pants, pausing to lean over the toilet and throw up.

He sits back again when he’s done and rubs his temples.

“It’s just detox,” he goes on, “It’s ugly, but it’s not gonna kill me.”

He gives me a questioning look as I sit down beside him.

“What are you doing, Victor?”

“What am I doing? I’m looking after you. That’s what I’m doing.”

“You don’t have to…”

“You’d do it for me,” I chuckle, grabbing a washcloth and reaching up to dampen it in the sink.

I wash his pale face and give him an encouraging smile.

“Better?”

He gives a little laugh.

“Not really, but that’s not your fault. Dues’ve gotta be paid, _da_? I started up on the painkillers again, I’ve gotta get it outta my system.”

I hold him as he throws up again, then I pull him close to comfort him.

“You don’t have to do this alone,” I reassure him, “I’m here for you, like you’ve been there for me since I came here.”

“You should be taking care of yourself,” he complains, “I know you didn’t eat this morning. Neither of us did because of Masha’s bullshit. You also didn’t eat much last night.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine,” I tell him as I use the washcloth to cool his face again, “I’m not leaving you alone like this.”

“Man, those painkillers are so not worth it!” he pants, holding his stomach and his head at the same time.

He groans and retches over the toilet for several minutes, then makes a sound of disgust and humiliation as he sits back.

“Victor, please get out of here,” he pleads, looking down at himself, “This is embarrassing. I just fucking pissed my pants!”

“Stop, will you?” I answer squeezing his hand, “I’m going to get you some fresh clothes.”

“Ugh,” he grunts as I get up, “nothing tight. Maybe my blue PJs.”

“All right.”

I leave the bathroom and go out to look in his dresser. As I’m opening it, I notice a picture on top. It’s a photo of a toddler girl with red hair in a bucket seat on a swing set. Her lovely green eyes and bright smile tell me exactly who her father is.

_He has a daughter?_

I find the pajamas and fresh underwear, and I head back into the bathroom, where I find Vasily’s turned on the shower and is resting on his knees under the falling water. He sucks in a surprised breath and covers himself as I open the shower door.

“Hey, uh…it’s okay. I got this,” he says anxiously.

“I don’t think so. Why don’t you let me help you?” I ask, picking up a washcloth and soaping it up.

“Um…” he says, looking down at himself, “Uh, Victor…I’m, uh, not…”

I give him a dismissive look.

“Stop that,” I chide him, “Just because I am attracted to a man does not mean that I’m going to be attracted to every man around. You’re perfectly safe with me helping you. Think of me like a brother. I’m just taking care of you. Relax.”

“Huh,” he huffs, his body loosening slightly, “I haven’t talked to my brother in over a year. And he never gave me a bath. He’d have just done something mean and made fun of me.”

“Well, then he’s not a very good brother.”

Vasily relaxes more as I wash the sweat and little splashes of vomit off of his face and arms, then I leave him to wash his private areas in privacy. I return with a towel and turn off the shower, then I help him to the little bench seat in his shower and I dry him off.

“Any better now?” I ask.

“W-well,” he pants, holding his stomach, “I still feel really shitty, but it’s better shitty now. Thanks.”

“Come on, let’s get you dressed.”

“Oh, I can do it myself,” he moans softly.

“No, you can’t,” I scold him gently, “Let me help you.”

We get his pajamas on and I help him into bed, turning him onto his side and propping him comfortably with extra pillows.

“This really sucks,” he groans.

“Just try to rest,” I tell him, “I’ll stay until you’re sleeping.”

“Victor, you’re gonna miss lunch,” he complains, “Please, just go and get something.”

“I’m not hungry. I’m not feeling so well, myself.”

“Oh man,” he sighs, rubbing his hands over his face, “I hope it’s not this bad for you. I just want to be able to sleep, so I don’t have to feel so awful!”

“Do you want me to bring the nurse?” I ask.

“What’s she gonna do?” he asks in a shaking voice, “She can’t give me anything. God, if I could go back and not get hooked like this again! I was so stupid!”

“Take some slow breaths, okay?” I urge him, “Close your eyes. If you can’t sleep, then talk to me about something.”

I remember the picture of the little girl.

“What about the girl in the picture I saw out there?” I ask him, “Is she your daughter?”

“Y-yeah. Her name’s Aurora. I ah…found out about her when her mom had her a couple of years ago. It was one of those road flings. We were on tour and I guess she was at one of our concerts. She, uh, it took her awhile to get the news to me. By then, she was about to have the baby and she didn’t want her. She asked me if I did, or if she should put her up for adoption.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Pretty awful, huh? I felt bad. You know, I was high on the painkillers and didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but that’s not the kid’s fault. And I figured, a parent who does want her is better than one who doesn’t. So, I went when she was born and brought her back with me. She’s got a nanny who takes care of her when I’m on tour…and…well, while I’m here. She’s a sweet little thing…real smart.”

“She’s adorable!”

“You’ll have to meet her…well, when we get outta here,” he insists.

“Sure, I’d love to meet her.”

My heart aches for Vasily as his eyes fill with tears.

“I don’t know sometimes if keeping her was the right thing or if I was just being selfish.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, brushing his tears away, “She’s your daughter, isn’t she? She should be with her father.”

“I don’t know about that,” he says, his voice dropping to a whisper, “I mean, she loves me and I’m crazy about her, but with me being on the road a lot, it’s hard for a baby to live like that. I spend a lot of time with her and everything, but I’m such a screw up! Ever since I had that fall and got hooked on the painkillers, I’ve just…I haven’t been the father she deserves.”

“Nonsense,” I chide him, squeezing his hand, “If you’re here, sweating out detox and getting yourself together, you’re doing what a good father would do.”

He shakes his head sadly.

“A good father wouldn’t have been messing around with so many women and not being responsible in the first place. He wouldn’t have ever let the drugs into the picture. And I went through detox before. I knew it was hard, but I still figured out how to get more painkillers and I messed myself up again.”

“Vasily,” I say, looking into his eyes, “as long as you are breathing and you have a heartbeat, you can fix yourself and be the father your baby girl needs. Just focus on her, and tell yourself that you’re doing this for her…for both of you. I know that if you decide this is what’s most important to you, you can do it.”

His wet eyes fill with gratitude and he hugs me tightly.

“I’m so glad we connected again,” he sobs softly, “I know it’s a crappy place to do that, but…you’re a good friend, Victor.”

“Hmm, I think if I was such a good friend, I would have kept in touch with you instead of letting us grow distant after we worked together before. But, I promise I’ll stay with you this time, okay? I think, after this, it will be good if we’re in touch, and we can encourage each other.”

“That would be good,” he agrees.

“Rest now, okay? I’ve got a meditation group I’m supposed to start today, and then my first group therapy. I’ll come by after that.”

“You’ll eat first,” he says, yawning, “I’m serious. You’re probably going to start feeling bad too, pretty soon. You need to take care of yourself.”

“I’m fine,” I chuckle, tucking him in and patting his shoulder, “Get some rest. I’ll be by later.”

“Thanks, Victor.”

I leave the room and head back to mine to collect Maccachin, who has been invited to join me for all of my group work. It’s too late to have lunch, so I head for the meditation group. I probably would enjoy the mindfulness training, at least a little, but my head is aching more fiercely and I’m starting to feel weak and shaky from not eating. I don’t complain, but I’m glad when it’s over. I head back to check in on Vasily, and I find him in the bathroom again, lying on the floor. I call for a nurse, but she tells me she’s going to be a few minutes. I wait them out with Vasily, then stay and support him as the nurse works with him. He seems to respond well to having Maccachin and me with him, so I don’t leave, even when dinnertime comes. I’m not thinking about food at all, just about the fact that my friend is curled in a ball, shaking, sweating and having horrid hallucinations.

Nurse Derdova gives me a sympathetic look.

“You don’t have to stay through this. I won’t leave him.”

“I know. It’s just that…I mean, I had nightmares and vomiting, headaches and stomach upset, but I didn’t have hallucinations. They look terrifying.”

“He’ll be all right. I’m monitoring him closely. You’re looking pale,” she notices, “You’ve been here a couple of days now, right?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Then, your own detoxification is probably beginning. You need to go and eat, and you need to rest.”

I leave Maccachin in Vasily’s room and take her advice to go to the cafeteria. I get there just before they close. I fill my plate, but for some reason, I can’t eat. When I put the food in my mouth, it tastes like sand, and it’s hard to swallow. I take two bites and I start to feel nauseous. I can manage a little water, but I start to feel dizzy and throw the rest of my food away. I start back to check on Vasily, but I hear a mocking voice as I walk down the hallway.

“You missed group therapy,” Masha scolds me, “Stefan isn’t happy about that.”

“Well,” I say, holding a hand to my stomach, “I was helping take care of Vasily. I’ll apologize tomorrow. Just leave me alone.”

I continue down the hallway, but stagger a couple of steps later and lean against the wall.

“Staring to feel it, huh?” Masha inquires.

_Oh god, if she’s sounding sympathetic, then things are not good at all…_

“Here, let me help you.”

“No,” I snap, pulling away, “The last thing I need is for you to sneak into my room, change my clock, spread shit on my walls and leave creepy notes for me!”

She looks at me strangely as she hears the part about the notes.

“What’s wrong with you?” she complains.

“I’m tired of you being shitty to me, that’s what’s wrong!” I shout at her.

My words sound garbled and the hallway seems too bright.

“I’m going to get a nurse,” Masha says.

I want to object, but the next thing I know, my legs collapse and I fall into her arms.

“Shit,” I hear say as she looks down at me in shock.

I try to answer, but everything goes dark and ominously quiet.

_Victor!_


	4. Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor reaches a crisis point as he goes through detoxification.

**_Yuuri, I can’t write this down because I can’t move my body and I can’t wake myself up. Mostly, it’s just dark here, but then there are sudden, intense visions, loud noises, strong smells and sensations, and none of them are pleasant._ **

**_It’s really scary._ **

**_Out of the blackness, I hear you telling me you’re leaving. I hear your footsteps and the door closing between us. For a moment, I feel the closeness of your body to mine and I smell that attractive scent that’s always on you. Not one you wear, but one that comes from within you. As you leave, that scent fades away._ **

**_My body aches so badly for something._ **

**_God, I know I’ve been neglecting myself. It’s not on purpose. I’ve been dealing with this place that’s not my home, people who don’t like me, truths about myself that I don’t want to know. It’s not that I’m not trying, but that I’m lost in a new place and I don’t know what to do to get back to you. It’s not as simple as going to groups, doing chores and training myself to act the right way._ **

**_Something deep inside me has to change._ **

**_The hunger that I feel should be for food and water, for shelter, for home…and for you. But the desperate feeling coming out of my core is crying out for something that’s not good for me. I have to be honest._ **

**_I do want a drink right now._ **

**_Why, you ask?_ **

**_Yes, I know it’s bad for me. I know that it’s a crutch, like Doctor Bershov said. I know like Yakov told me a hundred times, it doesn’t make things better, and it often makes them worse. But alcohol makes me feel numb. It shuts down the intense emotions I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to feel that Modya hated and hurt me for things I had no control over. I don’t want to feel the loneliness of being the new boy at the dormitory, of hearing that my family wasn’t coming to visit for my birthday, of girlfriends leaving me, of feeling lost in my career and like life is passing me by and leaving me with no one, of trying to reach the person who I finally feel is ‘the one’ but having him reject me repeatedly, of meaning to help him, but only hurting him…of wanting to lose myself in him, of losing him._ **

**_I can’t lose him and I don’t want to lose myself._ **

**_Those feelings are all too strong and too painful, and they scream in my head until I don’t want to hear them anymore._ **

**_Drinking has always made things quiet in my head and it’s always made my heart calm down so that I can focus on other things. If I can just not feel, then I can keep moving forward, even if I lose everything. I know it’s stupid, but until now, that’s how I’ve coped with everything life could throw at me._ **

**_What do I do now, Yuuri?_ **

**_What do I do when my heart won’t stop wanting to be with you, my mind knows that you’re the only thing that matters, but my body has been trained for much of my life to drown out the inner voice that tells me what I need. Maybe all of the times you rejected me, and all of the times I messed up and nearly lost you are making me worried that I don’t deserve you. I know I can’t live without you, but I also fear I’m going to ruin things, so I just want to feel numb instead of knowing what life feels like without you._ **

**_It would be so easy to open a bottle of something strong, to feel it burn down my throat and to take a shaky, relieved breath as I feel the emotions fade away._ **

**_Emotions hurt. Emotions make my insides clench. When something hurts my emotions, I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I can’t move. I feel completely helpless._ **

**_As a competitive figure skater, I learned to manipulate my emotions. I learned that if I took the bad things I felt and made a program that captured them, I could release them in an art form that actually made them beautiful. So many times, I built my programs out of my own inner pain. I had costumes made and music composed that embraced that pain and made it so lovely that even as people watching me cried, they couldn’t help loving my pain that was laid out in front of them. And they had no idea at all what they were really looking at._ **

**_Stay Close To Me_ **

**_That performance, from beginning to end, was a cry for help. Every time I performed it, I radiated that longing that had grown so fierce inside my soul that I couldn’t contain it anymore. The audience saw it as one of the most beautiful of my creations, but it shattered me to dance it. I was already living it every long day and every lonely night._ **

**_The only person in all of the world who heard me crying was Yuuri Katsuki._ **

**_He understood because inside, he was crying too, for the same thing._ **

**_Yuuri is what I need, but to get back to him, I have to stop being afraid of my own pain. I can’t be afraid that he’ll hurt me. I can’t be afraid of him leaving me. I have to find the inner strength to put my love in his hands completely and to accept that it’s a risk. He might hurt me. He might leave me._ **

**_But whatever happens or doesn’t happen, I have to know I’m able to handle it…not by sinking into the bottom of a bottle, but by just being a stronger person._ **

**_How do I do that?_ **

**_How?_ **

**_It’s strange._ **

**_Asking myself that question made everything around me quiet again. Another vision is coming to me, and this one is different. I can feel it._ **

**_I find myself dressed in warm clothes and sitting underneath a leafless tree beside a frozen lake. I hug Maccachin to my chest and watch as someone dances on the ice in front of me. I think it must be Yuuri, because he moves with grace, and he looks like he loves each movement he makes. Yes, dancing on the ice makes him so happy. But as he moves closer, I see his hair is too light and he’s too tall to be Yuuri._ **

**_This is me, then?_ **

**_It does look like me, but something is different._ **

**_What changed?_ **

**_Why do I look like I’m happy to the core? Why do I look so untroubled? How did I get from here to there?_ **

**_In front of me, this person who could be me comes to a stop. Someone else is on the ice now, and is moving towards him. They meet in the middle and this different me radiates a joy I only wish I could feel._ **

**_But I can’t feel anything._ **

**_Why?_ **

**_I know why._ **

**_Because since I was fourteen years old, I’ve been numbing myself to the painful things and not realizing…alcohol doesn’t just take away the hurt and the bad feelings, it takes all of the good ones too. I can’t be that person who is dancing so perfectly happy with Yuuri in front of me…because right now, I am in the grip of a monster worse than Modya._ **

**_I am scared._ **

**_I am alone._ **

**_And this thing that I always thought of as a safe place to turn, is slowly destroying me._ **

**_What do I do now?_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

“Victor?” a man’s voice calls.

_I feel so dizzy._

_Go away._

“Do you know where you are, Victor?” the voice asks.

_Stefan?_

_Where is Yuuri?_

“Y-yuuri?” I manage, still not opening my eyes.

“It’s Stefan.”

_Oh right. I’m in rehab. It’s the first week, so there is a blackout. That’s why he’s not here. Maybe I know why they have the blackout now. Detoxification is ugly. No one should see that._

I crack my eyes open a little so that I can see him. He looks relieved, but he still looks worried too.

“Do you know where you are?” he asks again.

“Hell?” I joke wryly, “It feels like it, anyway.”

That I can make a joke takes a little more of the worry out of his eyes.

“You’re in the infirmary.”

_The infirmary?_

_Why?_

“How did I get here?” I ask.

That’s the point at which I see the IV in my arm and feel adrenaline spike in my body, making my heart pound and blood rush in my ears. For a moment, the room I’m in disappears and I’m back in that house, tied down to a table with Modya leaning over me and cutting my arm so that he can replace my blood with his own.

“Take it out!” I shout at the Modya I see.

I reach to try to pull the damned thing out myself, but Stefan grabs one of my wrists and a male nurse grabs the one with the IV. They wrap something around my arms so that I can’t move them.

“TAKE IT OUT!” I scream, blinking and squinting as the image I see shifts back and forth between Modya and Stefan.

_Fuck, what is happening?_

_This…it’s a hallucination?_

_Is it?_

“Victor, it’s just an IV,” Stefan says in a calm, firm voice, “You need to have it until you are eating and drinking again.”

“I don’t want it. Take it out,” I snap back at him.

He leans closer, looking sternly into my eyes.

“It will come out when you are eating and drinking again,” he tells me, “not until.”

Maybe it’s because I feel cornered, or maybe I’m confused. I don’t know the reason, but anger wells up in my chest and I start yelling at him, since with the restraints I can’t do anything else.

“You goddamned _monster_! You _know_ I can’t tolerate needles. GET THAT FUCKING THING OUT OF ME, NOW!”

I’m so angry, I’m feeling dizzy again.

“Stefan,” the male nurse says warningly, “his heart rate and blood pressure are getting pretty high.”

Stefan remains leaned over me, looking into my enraged eyes, and suddenly I remember being little, hiding in my brother’s room and Servil holding me tightly as my father’s footsteps approached.

_Don’t let the monster in._

_Don’t let the monster in._

I suck in a breath that really hurts and release it again at Stefan.

“I’m not letting you into my head, you monster!”

Stefan’s eyes show a hint of sadness and he gives the nurse a little nod. Out of the corner of one eye, I see the nurse inject something into the IV line. As Stefan continues to gaze steadily into my eyes, my body starts to feel numb and my heart slows down. Breathing feels harder and I start to feel sleepy, so I don’t have the energy to yell at them anymore.

“Victor,” Stefan says, putting his hand on mine, “listen to me. I’m not the monster. It’s not me. The monster is already inside you. We’re trying to help you get it out. That’s all. I promise.”

“Why should I t-trust you?” I whisper as I start to drop off.

Stefan lets out a breath and touches my face very gently.

“You’ve trusted me up to now, right?”

“Yes.”

“I just really need you to trust me right now. Everything we’re doing…is trying to help you.”

My eyelids get so heavy, I have to close my eyes, but I manage one more word that makes him look like he wants to cry.

“Okay.”

When I wake up again, Stefan and the nurse are gone, but Vasily is sitting beside the bed, resting his face on his hand and watching me. His face is really pale and he looks like he must feel awful, but he’s smiling as he sees my eyes opening.

“So, you decided to stop being such a lazy ass and wake up?” he teases me, giving me one of my own cute winks.

“You look like hell warmed over,” I laugh weakly, “Why are you here and not resting?”

“I’m resting,” he argues, “See? Not doing anything. I just…heard you were giving Stefan and Nurse Ivkin a hard time before.”

“Yeah, I was a little out of it.”

_That’s an understatement._

_God, I’m so glad that Yuuri didn’t see any of that._

I look quietly at the restraints for a moment, and he reads my thoughts perfectly.

“I can’t take them off,” he says apologetically, “But…if you try to get some water down, maybe some gelatin, then they might take them off and take out that IV. What do you say?”

I feel too weak from being hungry for so long to argue, so I just nod and he brings a cup of cool water to my lips. I choke a little on it, because my mouth and throat are really dry, but I get a few sips down.

“How long have I been here?”

“Two days.”

“I was passed out for two days?” I ask.

_That just doesn’t seem possible._

“Mostly, when you weren’t having flashbacks and screaming at Stefan and the nurses.”

“I didn’t yell at you, did I?” I ask.

“Nope. I wasn’t here until just about an hour ago. I was too messed up. Sorry, I didn’t get here faster.”

“It’s okay. I would feel bad if I was shitty to someone who wasn’t at least being paid to take my crap. It would suck if my only friend here left me.”

“Are you kidding me?” Vasily laughs, “I’m not going anywhere.”

He gives me another little wink.

“I’m an inmate, just like you!” he giggles, setting me off.

“Oh, it hurts to laugh,” I groan.

“You’re a mess, Victor,” he says, shaking his head.

“This, coming from you? That’s funny.”

I try a little of the gelatin, and I want to eat more, but my stomach quails and a few minutes later, I throw it back up.

“Damn it! I want to be out of here. I hate hospitals, needles, restraints.”

“They’re just doing it so you won’t rip out a vein while you’re detoxing and kill yourself,” he sighs, “Been there, done that.”

“I’m trying,” I groan, “I can’t help it if my stupid body won’t let me eat. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

“Stress,” Stefan says as he and Nurse Ivkin appear in the doorway behind Vasily, “turbulent emotions, exhaustion, going pretty much without eating solid food for three days now. Detoxification. It’s tough. You have to take it slowly.”

“Stefan,” I plead more softly, “I _promise_ I won’t pull out the IV. Just, at least let me have my hands free so I can feed myself and go to the bathroom. This is humiliating!”

“I know.”

_He doesn’t have to explain to me how he knows. He’s been here. He’s done this. He knows better than I do, exactly what I need right now. Even though I hate it, I understand._

“Victor,” he says, sitting down beside Vasily, “when you came here, you essentially put your life in my hands.”

“Yes, but…”

“I will not do _anything_ that will put your life at risk.”

“But, I promised you I wouldn’t…”

“ _I_ don’t know that,” he says quietly, “and right now? _You_ don’t know that either. It’s just until we get you able to eat and drink and we can take the IV out.”

If it wasn’t humiliating enough to not be able to eat, drink or go to the bathroom on my own, it’s a hundred times worse when tears start leaking out of my eyes and down my face and I can’t hide them or wipe them away.

“I am trying as hard as I can to eat and drink,” I tell him in a shaking voice, “I can’t help it if I keep throwing it back up. I’m not doing that on purpose!”

“I know,” Stefan reassures me, “Don’t worry. The IV fluids are keeping your body stable. We’ll get you eating and drinking again. You just have to try and keep on trying. If you throw it back up, then wait a little while and try again. Victor, for the next few days, this is your only task. It’s all I’m going to ask of you. Try and keep on trying.”

I want to scream at him, but I already know it’s not going to change anything. I have no choice but to trust him and do what he says.

“Can you bring Maccachin?” I ask as Vasily washes my face with a damp cloth.

“I’m sorry,” the nurse interjects, “animals aren’t allowed in the infirmary.”

Stefan’s head tilts slightly as he looks at me.

“ _Service animals_ are,” he says quietly.

Nurse Ivkin’s eyes narrow.

“His dog is not a trained service animal,” he says firmly.

“No,” Stefan agrees, “I am Victor’s recovery specialist and I am classifying Maccachin as a comfort animal. That means he receives the same consideration as any other service animal.”

He gives Vasily a little nod.

“Will you please bring Maccachin?” he asks.

I can see Nurse Ivkin is skeptical, but he sighs and shakes his head, frowning as though I’m a naughty child who has just gotten away with something.

As soon as I feel Macca’s tongue lick my restrained hand and his soft fur touch my skin, I feel a weight taken off, and I relax and focus on what my counselor advised me to do. It takes another full day, but I start to eat and drink soft foods, and _finally_ the restraints come off and the IV comes out. I have to spend a last night in the infirmary, but Maccachin sleeps with me. It’s the first time in a long time I sleep so deeply, or for such a long time.

When I wake again, I’m released, and Vasily walks Maccachin and me back to my room.

“Thanks for staying with me,” I say, hugging him.

“Thanks for staying with me,” he answers, hugging me back, “I’ll see you for breakfast. Stefan excused us from chores for a couple of days, so we’ll have plenty of time and no bullshit.”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you then.”

I turn into my room and collapse onto my creaky bed, just glad to not be in the infirmary anymore. I find my journal sitting on the nightstand and open it to make an entry, but as I do, a picture falls out, and I feel my insides turn to ice.

It’s a photo of me in the infirmary, the restraints moved so that my hands are bound above my head. My clothes have been removed so that I’m naked and sensuously posed. On the back is a message.

_Your blood is red, your eyes turquoise blue_

_Your skin petal soft, and sweet fragrant too_

_Your lips rosy pink as they exhale each breath_

_Be careful of your words, lest they summon death_


	5. Watchful Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masha makes a surprising move when Victor is threatened.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I’ve gotten through the worst of detoxification now. It was pretty ugly, so I think I’ll spare you the details, but I will tell you first, that I’m glad it’s over and second, that I’m very motivated to never have to do something like that again. I’ve been really lucky to have Maccachin with me, although Stefan had to pull strings to make them allow Macca into the infirmary when I was there for some treatment. Don’t worry, I’m back in my regular room now and feeling better, although still quite ill sometimes. I am still having pounding headaches and I crave alcohol sometimes. My stomach gets bad sometimes, but overall, I’m better._ **

**_I’m starting group therapy today. I was supposed to start before, but I was too ill to go, so that was postponed until I felt better. I’ve met a lot of the other patients, but there are still some I don’t know._ **

**_I’m trying really hard to get better, and I want so badly to come home. I hope you’re doing well, Yuuri. In only a couple more days, I can talk to you and maybe see you, if you visit. I’ve missed you so very much. I can’t wait to be with you again._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When I find the naked picture and very creepy poem, I of course want to tell Stefan immediately. After all, this means that someone slipped into the infirmary and did this to me while I was unconscious. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of someone touching me like that, tying my hands and undressing me, posing me that way and photographing me, all under the noses of the watchful staff. It’s not gotten past me that all of us here are kept under pretty careful watch, so the person doing this has to know the routines here, and has to have access to the infirmary. I know that whatever move I make I’ll have to do it very cautiously. That last line is a clear and pointed death threat.

_What does this person want?_

_Whoever it is, they could have hurt me if they wanted to. I wonder…if they did hurt me._

I feel my heart race at the thought and my legs feel like rubber as I go to my little bathroom and lock the door, then I slide my pants down and try to feel if there are any signs I might have been raped. I can relax a little as I find the area dry and not painful at all to the touch. But that just means that I wasn’t taken violently. If the person was gentle and cleaned up after…

_God, I feel like throwing up again!_

_I don’t feel like I was raped, but…I suppose only a clinical check would tell._

I shiver as I realize.

_This could be any of the staff that treated me, so I don’t dare take an action that would involve them. Thank god I know it wasn’t Stefan. We know each other too well, and he loves Filip and has only feelings of friendship for me. I can trust him. But…I can’t trust the staff and I can’t trust any of the other patients except for Vasily._

_Shit._

_How do I go to Stefan? We aren’t meeting privately until tomorrow, and with so many people around me who could be the one, added to the fact I’m essentially a prisoner here and the staff are like keepers…it’s impossible!_

_I have to stay calm and try to figure this out._

_Now, whoever this is, they could have raped or killed me already. He…or she is in it for the game. I’m being stalked, carefully manipulated and slowly cornered. I don’t know whether the eventual goal is rape or if the person wants to kill me or maybe both, but I have limited time to figure this out and do something to stop the person._

_How can I do that?_

I leave my bathroom and go back into my bedroom, and I hide the naked picture in one of my books, then I sit on the bed and think about the clues.

_The first poem was clearly meant to make me feel intimidated, and it held the unspoken threat of a sexual advance. So, this person either wants me sexually or wants to dominate and scare me. The second note also has creepy sexual overtones to go along with he picture, but the end of the poem is obviously a threat meant to keep me from talking to anyone._

_Was that death threat just a part of the effort to intimidate me and control me? Or does the person feel concerned they’re actually in danger of getting caught if I talk to someone? Then, there’s the whole problem of, I don’t know who this is, so if I talk to the wrong person, I could be asking for trouble._

_What can I do?_

A tap on the door steals me out of my thoughts.

“Come in.”

The door opens and, to my surprise, it’s Masha. She still wears the usual dismissive look as always, but she steps into the room and at least looks me in the eyes while she talks to me.

“You all right now?” she asks gruffly.

“Not really,” I answer with brutal honesty, “but at least instead of going between unconsciousness and uncontrolled temper tantrums I don’t remember afterward, oh yes, and being stuck with an IV when I hate needles, now I’m just having headaches, nausea and disturbing dreams.”

“At least you’re through the worst of it,” she sighs.

“You say that like you actually give a damn,” I muse, “no wait…only half a damn. This is Masha we are talking about.”

“Got a little piss back too, huh?” she snorts.

“Some. Why are you here?”

She gives a little unconcerned shrug.

“Just wanna know if I should be prepared to catch your ass if you faint again, _ice fairy_.”

“Is this your way of making friends?” I ask dryly, “Or are you just fucking with me?”

Masha has a very cute and very wicked little smile as she looks back at me.

“I’ll just let you think about that,” she answers slyly, “but don’t think too hard. Don’t want you hurting yourself, right?”

“Right,” I sigh, shaking my head as she turns and slips out the door again, “Mental…”

_I think she hates me a little less now, but seeing me pass out like that and left completely helpless…_

The thought gives me a little chill.

_Could she…?_

_But she seemed genuinely surprised when I mentioned the note before. No, I don’t think it’s her. Still, I need to be careful around her. Even if she’s not the one doing this, she’s not a friend. I’ll need to keep her at arm’s length._

I curl up with Maccachin on my bed to think about it, and I end up falling asleep, which is fine because I’m safe with Macca there, and I need the rest, after all that’s happened. My body is still detoxifying, so I’ll still have symptoms for awhile. It might be weeks before everything feels normal again.

_But, what is normal?_

_I’ve been this way since I was a teen. I don’t know how to live sober…but then, that’s why I’m here. I’m going to learn how to do that._

I manage somehow to get through the night without even any nightmares. My clock goes off and wakes me up in plenty of time to dress and meet Vasily for breakfast. I change into fresh clothing and head out of the room with Maccachin on my heels. We stop at Vasily’s room and I tap on the door.

“Just a sec,” he calls out.

As we wait, the college boy, Tolya passes by, and he ignores my greeting and doesn’t meet my eyes.

_Ah right. He doesn’t like pansexuals or anyone like that._

He pulls up short and scowls at Nurse Ivkin as he comes out of a room ahead of me, then he continues on his way down the hall.

_Hmm, this is a chance to observe a staff member who I know was in the infirmary with me…although, Nurse Ivkin seems a little too obvious, since he was on duty, and would naturally then be a suspect._

I watch him closely as we meet in the hallway.

“Good morning,” I greet him cheerfully.

“Good morning, Victor,” he answers politely, “You look better today.”

“I feel much better. But, I think I owe you an apology for being so much trouble while I was in your care before. I’m usually not like that.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he says, brushing it off, “Nobody’s ever themselves in detox. You were not that bad. Actually, you were more pleasant than some who’ve come through.”

“Well, thank you for the help.”

He gives a little shrug and touches my arm in a bracing gesture. His eyes look calm and quiet as he replies.

“It’s my job. It’s nothing.”

I watch as he heads back towards the infirmary.

_I don’t think I could handle a job like his. I’d go crazy getting screamed at all of the time by drunks and drug addicts trying to get their shit together. Why would anyone want to have a job like that?_

_So, he seemed polite, friendly, normal. He did seem to dislike it when Stefan bent the rules to let Maccchin stay with me, but being a stickler for rules, especially in an institution with people who are here because they’ve fucked up their lives…yeah, can’t say he stands out or anything._

Vasily arrives a moment later, and we continue down the hallway, heading to the cafeteria, where I choose some bland things that probably won’t hurt my troublesome stomach. Vasily gives me a sympathetic look.

“Is your stomach still bad? Mine is.”

“Yeah, it troubles me, but not as much as before, thank god.”

“I know, right?” he laughs, “It’s not enough that we’re craving things that are bad for us. We can’t even keep down the things that are good for us.

We sit near a closed window, a little bit away from the others who are eating in the room. A few tables away, Masha sits by herself with her feet up on the table and an opened book held up in front of her. Tolya is sitting with a young woman, a redhead named Calina, who I haven’t ever talked to, but I know is quiet and kind of shy like Yuuri. She has tumbled hair like his and gentle brown eyes.

She doesn’t seem like someone who should hang around with a guy like Tolya. He’s not just bigoted, he’s a horny frat boy. There are rules against any of us having sex with each other, which you can understand, considering the dreadful state we’re in. We’re not in any kind of shape to run our own lives. We shouldn’t be adding relationship drama to the shit soup we live in. Not that I have to worry about that.

“Hey, _ice fairy_ ,” Tolya snaps suddenly, bringing me out of my reverie, “stop staring at her. She’s obviously not your type and she doesn’t want a perverted freak like you ogling her.”

Without missing a beat, I meet Calina’s surprised and distressed eyes kindly and give her a little friendly wink.

Good morning, Calina,” I greet her, patently ignoring him, “Sorry if it seemed like I was staring. I was just lost in my thoughts. It’s nice to meet you. I’m…”

“Oh, I know who you are,” she says, blushing fiercely, “Victor Nikiforov. I’m a really big fan. I skate too. I joined the senior ladies division this year, although I didn't qualify for the Grand Prix Series this time because of an injury.”

“That’s too bad you were injured,” I answer, “but I’ll be sure to watch for you next season.”

“Geez, are you deaf and stupid?” Tolya says, standing and heading towards Vasily and me, “I said to leave her alone, faggot!”

_Intolerant prick._

_I have no use for people like that._

_But…there’s no fighting allowed._

I stand and come to my full height, which is a bit taller than my hot headed, bigoted counterpart. He doesn’t seem fazed, and in fact, curls his lips into a cruel sneer as he faces me, clenching his hands like he really wants to hit me.

“I think Calina can make her own decision about who she wants to talk to,” I say, tilting my head slightly, “She doesn’t need to be talked over and to have her feelings ignored by an arrogant, oblivious little prick like you.”

His clenched hand flies at me, probably before he realizes that he’s lost control. I employ a move that I learned from Maret, and catch his hand before his arm is extended. This leaves his body open, so it’s easy for me to put a foot to his midsection and shove him into an empty table that overturns as he crashes down with it.

Behind me, Vasily goes to Calina and helps her scoot quickly out of the room. Masha looks up from the book she’s reading. I know I have about five seconds before someone comes to break up the fight, so I stand quietly, gazing down at Tolya as he scrambles to his feet and charges at me.

“Not smart,” I comment as I move just in time for him to miss me and crash into another table that breaks as he tumbles to the floor again, “but then, you’ve shown you have no intelligence, except for knowledge of how to be an intolerant jerk.”

I stiffen as he grabs a steak knife and starts to charge at me before I can move. A moment later, Masha crashes into him from behind, carefully grabbing his wrist as they fall together, so that she keeps the knife away from them. With a flick of her hand, she sends the knife spinning away, as two large male orderlies run into the room.

“Stop it! Both of you!” one yells, as each of them grab one of the fallen combatants and drag them to their feet, “You know there’s no fighting!”

“She was protecting me,” I tell the men, “Tolya…”

“Tolya shot off his mouth and I didn’t like it, so I decked him!” Masha insists.

“Victor attacked me!” Tolya yells, struggling with the man holding him, “The piece of shit was making passes at Calina. That’s not allowed!”

“He’s a damned liar,” Masha snaps, glancing at me, “He insulted Victor, and I told him to shut up. He got stupid and made a dumbshit move and I decked him, right Victor?”

_Fighting is considered a pretty serious offense. She could get kicked out of the program. I don’t want to let her take the blame for me, but she gives me a look like it’s really what I should do._

“Well?” one of the orderlies says, “is that what happened?”

“Yes,” I answer softly, “Tolya insulted me and Masha was standing up for me.”

“Come on, both of you,” says the orderly holding on to Masha, “We’ll go and make a disciplinary report.”

He gives me a nod.

“You’re free to go.”

“BUT HE ATTACKED ME!” Tolya roars.

“Be quiet,” the orderly holding him snaps, “You’ve made no secret that you don’t like Victor’s sexual orientation. We know you have it in for him. We’ve got two people saying he didn’t touch you.”

“They’re lying!”

“Sure they are…”

I watch as they leave, then I head out into the hallway, where Vasily is standing with Calina, who still looks shaken.

“Are you okay?” I ask her, “Look, I am sorry about that. I just couldn’t let him…”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Calina assures me, “Victor, just before all of that, he was talking about you. He was saying really awful things about you and Yuuri Katsuki. He said you’re both sick in the head. He told me that he was going to get you put in lockup because he doesn’t like you. I was…afraid. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I tell her, squeezing her hand comfortingly.

“How did you get out of that?” Vasily asked, “I mean…you did kick him.”

“I started to own up, but then Masha insisted on taking the blame for me. First, she protected me by disarming Tolya, then she took the punishment for me.”

“Man, what’s with her?” Vasily says, shaking his head, “First she can’t stand you, then she protects you. I don’t get it.”

“Neither do I,” I concur, “but maybe we should go somewhere else to talk about this.”

“Yeah,” Vasily agrees, “Wanna hang out in my room?”

He gives Calina a gentle smile.

“You’re welcome to come and hang out too. Victor will bring Maccachin to meet you.”

Her eyes widen cutely.

“I can meet your poodle?” she asks.

She catches herself and blushes.

“Sorry…”

“It’s okay,” I laugh, “Maccachin would love to meet a new friend. And actually, I have a group meeting to get to. Do you think you and Vasily can watch Macca for me while I go?”

It works out perfectly.

I get to my meeting and I don’t get in trouble.

Tolya gets disciplined for fighting.

Masha gets off with a warning.

And Vasily and Calina babysit Maccachin together.

Have I mentioned that dogs are a great ice breaker?

_I know it’s not allowed for them to be together in here…but…they won’t be here forever, right?_

_And they deserve to be happy._

_I think they’re cute together._


	6. Hello, I'm Victor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor attends his first group meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this meeting, I borrowed aspects of some real substance abuse programs, but added a more progressive element too. So, this is not meant to perfectly mesh with any particular program in existence, but to reflect an approach that is believable/relatively realistic, while also being a fictional program.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_Today is my first day of group therapy. Stefan has told me what to expect, but it’s always nerve wracking meeting new people, especially when you’re meeting those people because you’ve messed up your life and you’re trying to get your act together. But at least I’m not the only screw up there. I’ve got company. Everyone who will be there, even Stefan, has been where I am now. That is a comfort._ **

**_I’m so glad that there are only a couple more days until we can talk. So much has happened in just my first week here. A lot of it has been really hard to deal with, but at least I know that it’s for something important. I look at your picture and I think about you a million times every day, Yuuri._ **

**_I hope that you are keeping busy. I’m glad you’re learning to speak Russian, but I wonder if you will think it’s strange that when I talk to you, I want to do that in English. Maybe it’s odd, but that’s the language we had in common when we met, and it’s how we’ve talked to each other all of this time. We’ve picked up some words from each other’s home languages, but I feel like if you suddenly start speaking to me in Russian, I’ll feel…I don’t know. Maybe like I’ve lost something. I don’t know how to explain, except to say that I don’t really want things to change between us. I want to always be the people we’ve been up to now. I know I have to change, so that I don’t let alcohol ruin what we have, but the rest of what we have is good the way it is, da?_ **

**_Yuuri, I want so much to come home. It’s not that it’s really bad here, but it’s not home and it will never be without you. I’m trying my hardest to do the right things and to make good progress, but things happen. I almost got in trouble this morning. I have to be careful, because if I do that, I could have my privileges taken away and not be able to talk to you this weekend. God, I want to see you too! I know it will be at least another week before I earn that privilege. I just can’t help feeling like I die a little every time I long for you and we can’t be together._ **

**_I love you, Yuuri,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

I have to admit I’m a little nervous about going to the first group therapy session. Although Stefan has assured me that all I’m required to do today is introduce myself, it’s the first time I’ve introduced myself to anyone as an alcoholic. It’s easy if I’m Victor Nikiforov, professional figure skater. I know how to make sure I’m smiling, how to hide any imperfections, any bad feelings, any pain. I know how to make a good impression and be polite under all circumstances, even if someone is impolite to me. I know all of that, yes, but what I don’t know is how to be myself in front of other people…my whole imperfect, addicted, unreasonable frightened and lonely self.

Why do they want to see that?

I don’t want to be that right now or ever really.

But Stefan says that if I want to make changes, then I have to be honest about where I’m beginning. Who I am today is a starting point. I have to own the imperfect being I am, and I have to be able to reveal that imperfect person to other imperfect people like me. I have to learn to stop hating myself for my mistakes. I have to learn from those mistakes and just figure out how to be a better version of me.

 _That’s going to be hard_.

_I don’t know how to be better than I am. I’m only good at hiding things, not so much at changing them. At least Stefan will be there. I have that comfort._

_God, I want to go home and be with Yuuri!_

_I feel like I’ve lost everything that makes me who I am._

The time comes for me to go to therapy, and I head down the hallway, past several open doors. As I head past Masha’s door, she steps out and almost runs into me.

“Sorry,” I say, even though it’s clearly her fault.

“I thought fairies were supposed to be graceful,” she huffs, turning away.

_Oh great, she’s in my group?_

“Masha.”

_Why am I doing this?_

_She’s just going to insult me…_

“What do you want?” she asks gruffly.

“I wanted to thank you for before…with Tolya.”

“Why?”

“What?” I ask, frowning.

“Look, I may not like you, but you’re a person, and no one should be trying to stab you,” she explains, “I would have had the same reaction if you were any other person, or even a cat or dog.”

_Why is she like this?_

_What the hell did someone do to this woman to make her so abrasive?_

_Wait a minute…_

“Bullshit,” I say, stepping into her path and making her stop short.

She glares at me in challenge.

“Move,” she says stiffly, “you’ll make us both late.”

“First, you tell me why you protected me,” I demand.

“I told you…”

“Don’t give me that crap, because even though you might have stopped Tolya from killing just about any living thing, you did more than that. You took responsibility for the fighting, when you knew I was guilty of getting rough with him. I clearly broke the rules by fighting with him, and you stepped in and kept me from being disciplined for it. Tell me why…or I’m not moving.”

Her eyes narrow.

“Do you _want_ me to kick your ass, _ice fairy_? I said to get out of my way!”

“Tell me why you stood up for me! I’m getting tired of this act you’re putting on of looking down on me. I don’t know what’s going on in your messed up head, but you’re going to tell me now what the hell you did that for!”

I’m not quite sure how to describe what happens next, because literally one second we’re standing face to face and the next she has me shoved up against the wall and pinned with her knee positioned strategically between my thighs, leaving my nether parts vulnerable to attack if that was something she was of a mind to do.

“I do what I _want_ to do!” she snaps, “And not you, or anyone else forces me to do anything or to _say_ anything.”

“O-kay.”

_What else can I say if don’t want to have painful damage done to my family jewels?_

She lets go of me, but she leans closer for a moment and hisses one more thing in my ear.

“If you fuck up in your blackout period, _it gets extended._ If you care about talking to your loverboy, you have to stay out of trouble. Do you think you can do that, _ice fairy_?”

“I don’t know,” I joke, “Maybe you haven’t noticed, I get into a lot of trouble without trying.”

“ _Tell me about it_!” she huffs, turning and stomping down the hallway, leaving me looking after her.

“You know,” I say to no one in particular, “I’m really starting to like her…”

I follow in the direction she heads, and into one of the conference rooms, where Stefan sits on the carpeted floor, making a circle with the others that have come for the meeting. I’m aware that although there are a certain number of these meetings that I will be scheduled to attend, all patients are always invited to join in any additional meetings they choose.

Stefan explained to me at my intake that the purpose of these meetings is to give the addicts in the program a community in which they can feel supported as they work through the causes of their addiction, the changes they must make and the inevitable mix of failures and triumphs they all have. The structure of a meeting is pretty simple and meant to feel safe to everyone there. There is no leader, only a facilitator, whose job it is to make sure the structure is followed in the meeting. While patients can be required to attend, no one is ever forced to speak, except when being introduced to the group. There is a community focus statement that is recited by the attendees (but patients are not forced to participate in it).

**_We choose a new path to self_ **

**_We accept our imperfections_ **

**_We work together to build our strengths_ **

**_We both offer and accept support_ **

**_We make mistakes and we learn_ **

**_We explore our spirituality_ **

**_We relentlessly fight our addictions_ **

**_We work to bring our unique gifts to the world_ **

I have to admit that one of the reasons I was able to commit myself to this recovery program is that it is a more progressive one that is able to embrace and support patients, regardless of things like their religious preference or cultural background. I don’t mean it as a criticism of other programs, but as recognition of my particular needs. As a Russian citizen who is pansexual, and who has a foreign lover, both things that put me at odds with the Russian leadership, and as someone who is spiritual, but not affiliated with a particular religion, I need a program that will focus on helping me fight my addiction without putting pressure on me to change things that I don’t think need changing. Stefan agreed with me that, for any addict seeking treatment, choosing the right program is critical to success.

Here is where I will begin to work towards that success.

I take a place near Stefan, but not directly beside him. On one side of me is Petya, the small, watchful man, and on the other is Yegor, big man who is an alcoholic, like me. Masha sits on the opposite side of the circle between two women I don’t yet know. To my surprise, Tolya is also in the circle, near the midpoint between Masha and me. There are twelve of us in the circle, including Stefan.

For this meeting, Yegor is the facilitator. He starts the meeting by inviting us to join him in reciting the community focus statement. After that, he introduces me, at which point, I simply have to say “Hello, I am Victor and I am an alcoholic.”

When Stefan told me about that, I was curious.

 _“Do you mind explaining to me why we only say our first name and our disease?”_ I asked him.

He looked at me and gave me an encouraging smile and a nod.

 _“There are a few reasons,”_ he answered, _“First, we say only our first name because that is the beginning of sharing who we are with the group. Using just our first name alone puts us all on a level playing field and lets us reveal ourselves as we grow within the program. Giving our disease is an acknowledgment of why we’re here, specifically what we’re fighting._

_“But I’m not just a name and a disease.”_

_“No. You are not anything fixed at all. You are an ever-changing, ever-growing soul. Giving your name and your disease just gives you a common starting point with the community. No matter whether a patient is new or has been in the program for a long time, that path of growth is the same, and it only begins here. You won’t stop growing when you leave. You will never stop growing, as long as you are alive.”_

When Stefan described this, I felt intimidated at first, because for over twenty years, I’ve been known all over the world as Victor Nikiforov, the figure skater. To be less than that seems scary. But when I introduce myself, I feel something more like relief. After all, being Victor Nikiforov isn’t just an honor I’ve earned, it’s a responsibility that could introduce pressure I don’t need while I am recovering. So, maybe this is a good thing.

After I introduce myself, the group welcomes me, then each person in attendance tells me their name and disease. There is Stefan, then Artur, a heroin addict, Petya, then me, Yegor, then Tomas, then Tolya, then a middle aged woman named Eda, who is an alcoholic, Matvei, multiple drug user, Mara, addicted to Cocaine, then Masha, then Raya, an alcoholic. Once introductions are over, Yegor sets a token in the center of the circle. The token can be any small thing, like a stuffed toy or little statue, a ball or a book. It’s chosen by the facilitator, and Yegor has chosen a little brown stuffed kitten. He places it at the center of the circle, and we all wait for about a minute, thinking quietly. At the end of that minute, Eda picks up the kitten and places it in her lap while she speaks.

“My sister called me yesterday,” she says, looking down at the kitten, “She said that she went over to my house to pick up a few things to bring to me. Sabina has a key to my house. Normally, she calls ahead to ask my husband if it’s okay, but he was supposed to be at work, so she just went over. When she arrived, there were two cars in the driveway, so she thought it was weird and moved her car a little down the street, then she called the house and told him she was going to be coming by in a half hour to pick up something to take to me. She watched the house…”

Eda stops talking, and big tears start to roll down her face. Matvei takes a couple of tissues from one of several dispensers in the circle, and he hands them to her. She wipes her wet cheeks and blows her nose, then continues.

“We raised two children in that house!” she sobs, “Our family _lived there_! Part of the reason I’m here is because raising our children was hard. Our younger was in and out of the hospital a lot, and I was the one who was always there. I cooked and cleaned, went on field trips and to conferences. I sat in the hospital all night at my Grigory’s bedside when he was ill. It was hard on my husband and me, and we argued sometimes. I didn’t think it was that bad, though. When the children left home, I thought that Berdy and I would grow closer again…but…”

She takes a break to wipe away more tears.

“My sister confronted him and his girlfriend,” she tells us when she can go on, “Berdy told her that he needed to feel loved, and that I had been neglecting him. He’s been seeing this other woman since before the kids left. I _know_ her! She went to church with us. It makes me sick inside, because I hugged that woman and talked to her. I was kind to her, and all of the time, she was seeing Berdy behind my back! And all of that time, Berdy was giving his love to her instead of to me. _A man has needs_ , he told my sister. _A man has needs._ ”

At that point, she sets the kitten back in the middle of the circle as an invitation for others to speak. One by one, others in the circle take the kitten and reflect on what she’s said. Some of them offer condolences and words of comfort. Others relate to her experience. It’s my first time at a meeting, and I know I don’t have to say anything. I don’t know of anything I could say. But Stefan told me before that if I can’t think of words, it is acceptable, even encouraged to offer wordless support. I take a breath and pick up the stuffed kitten, then I hug it gently and set it back in the middle. Eda smiles through her tears.

“Thank you, Victor.”

When we’ve finished addressing Eda’s revelation, Matvei takes the kitten to talk about the drug cravings he is suffering from. I can’t really add anything, given that I’m still in the late stages of detoxification, so I haven’t had related experience. I mean, I do know that my cravings for alcohol aren’t going to just stop, but I haven’t the skills yet for dealing with it. I have more to learn, and part of doing that is listening to stories like Matvei’s. I listen carefully and make a mental note to add a few things about it to the reflections in my journal later.

When the meeting is over, we can leave the room or stay for refreshments and more casual conversation. About half the groups stays and half leaves. Stefan comes to talk to me and we have bottled water and a few of the sweets on the table in the room.

“So, what did you think?” he asks me, “Did it feel like a safe place for you to express yourself?”

“It did,” I affirm, “I didn’t say anything this time…”

“But you actively participated,” he points out, “That’s hard, especially on the first day. But you know, you did provide comfort to someone who needed it.”

“She’s a nice lady. I feel bad for what she’s going through.”

We stop talking as Eda and Raya approach us.

“Victor,” Eda says, blushing a little, “thank you for your support in the meeting. It’s good to meet you.”

“It’s good to meet you too,” I answer, smiling at her.

“It’s okay to give me a real hug too,” she chuckles.

“Okay,” I answer, hugging her gently like I did to the stuffed kitten.

Stefan told me during my intake that offering symbolic hugs is a safe beginning, but it’s best to let the person whose issue it is initiate real contact, and it’s best to do that in the casual exchange after the meeting, although some people will do it during the meeting if it’s someone they know doesn’t mind. Eda and I were strangers, so it was important to let her have control of that. But now that we’ve broken the ice, it’s fine for me to offer her real hugs in the future.

“That’s a little hypocritical of you, considering you’re an adulterer, yourself,” Tolya says as he drops his water bottle in the recycling bin and starts to leave, “How do you think that would make her feel about you?”

“Tolya,” Stefan says firmly.

He bristles, but he stops talking and leaves the room. Eda looks up at me questioningly, and I take a breath and explain.

“Some years back,” I tell her, “I had a girlfriend. We were together for a month before I found out that she was married to someone. I stopped seeing her the moment I knew, and I felt horrible for her husband. I apologized to him and I never saw her again.”

Stefan frowns.

“But, how would Tolya know about that?” he asks.

I give a little shrug.

“Her husband filed a legal petition a short time after, because she became pregnant, and he suspected I was the father. It turned out the baby was his, not mine. But…it did get into the news. It was quite awhile back, and I wasn’t as well known at the time, but…it wouldn’t take much to find information that was leaked to the papers at the time.”

I watch as Eda considers what I’ve said, then gives me a tentative nod.

“It sounds like you didn’t mean for it to happen,” she comments, still looking conflicted, “and you did apologize to the husband. And it has never happened again?”

“No.”

“Okay. I don’t feel good about it, but you were honest with me and you’ve tried to make amends for your mistake. If I want to be forgiven for my shortcomings, I can’t be an unforgiving person.”

“Thank you, Eda.”

“You are welcome, Victor.”

Stefan and I watch as she and Raya exit the room, leaving just Petya sitting near the window in the room, reading a book, and Tomas, who is sitting in a corner of the room and writing something into his journal.

“Well, that was awkward,” I sigh, “Maybe I shouldn’t have done anything in the meeting. I just wasn’t thinking when I tried to comfort her. It happened a really long time ago.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Stefan chides me, “Everyone here has skeletons in their closet. I think you handled that one well. I’ll have another talk with Tolya.”

“You don’t have to,” I assure him, “He was just stating a fact. I did sleep with a married woman.”

“But it was inappropriate the way he chose to share that. He was purposely sabotaging you, and it was clear that he was disregarding Eda’s feelings also. It was a deliberate attempt to hurt you.” It’s not allowed.”

“I know. I just…”

I glance at the two others in the room, then look back at Stefan.

“I just don’t want there to be more trouble with him. He already really dislikes me.”

“He has to follow the rules, like everyone else,” Stefan insists, “I’ll be fair to him, but I can’t let it go. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.”

He gives me a little smile.

“And you should be focusing on yourself anyway,” he says, sounding pleased, “You’ve made good progress this week. I’m going to let your family know that, starting tomorrow, the blackout is lifted, and you will have contact privileges. They will be able to call you anytime, and you will be allowed visits on future weekends. They will have to take place here, for now, but you will be able to visit with them.”

“Thank you, Stefan!” I exclaim, hugging him, “I have so much to tell Yuuri. I can’t wait to hear his voice again!”


	7. The Home in Your Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor gets a very big and very welcome surprise!

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_Today, I will finally be able to talk to you again. Stefan said that you told him you would call the phone that they’ve put in my room at three this afternoon. It’s annoying that the phones we get even after the blackout are for people to call in only. How great would it be to be able to order a goddamned pizza or some really good pirozhkis? I don’t know how they expect me to regain the weight I lost during detoxification when the food here gets me about as excited to eat it as I get about dishwashing duty. I do try to eat enough, but Nurse Ivkin still scolds me about my lackluster physical progress. I think he worries more about the way my body looks than I do. Nurse Derdova, who is usually the grouchy lady has been acting more motherly towards me. Do you know she keeps bringing me really good Belgian chocolates when I have my health checks with her?_ **

**_I’m still having disagreements with my behavioral psychologist, Doctor Bershov. He keeps insisting that I have PTSD and submerged emotions about my childhood that I don’t realize are affecting my levels of stress and periods of depression. Honestly, I think the man is full of shit and desperate to find something to cure. When I’m stressed, it’s because I miss home. I miss you. When I’m depressed, it’s because I’m basically a prisoner here. Yes, I signed the papers to commit myself, but once the door slammed shut behind me, I no longer had any control over anything but how long they have to ‘fix’ me._ **

**_Sorry, Yuuri. I know I belong here right now. I’m not saying that I’m fine, because I’m not. I still have headaches, stomach upset, times when I get adrenaline rushes and strong cravings for booze. I get crabby when I’m wanting booze. I get frustrated because I don’t want to feel like I need a drink, but my screwed up body wants it anyway. I sulk because I want to be able to go out somewhere to eat, to skate, to just lie around and not have to do things on a very full schedule all of the time. I don’t want to feel people watching me like I’m going to do something bad._ **

**_I just want to be home with you._ **

**_Is that some kind of crime?_ **

**_When things get really bad, sometimes at night while I’m trying to fall asleep, I close my eyes and use what I’ve learned in my meditation group to bring you close to me. I first center myself, then I lie really still and I use sense memories to make myself feel like you’re there. I never thought it would work, but it turns out that if I lie there and concentrate on the memories of your scent, of the feel of your skin on mine, of the sound of your voice and the taste of your lips. If I picture you strongly enough in my mind, then I can feel close to you. I know in my head, I’m just imagining, but since what I use for this is real sensory impressions, it feels real to me, and it is a comfort._ **

**_I still want to go home._ **

**_Stefan told me today that I’m making good progress. He thinks I should try to get along better with Doctor Bershov, and that I need to try harder to regain more weight, but other than that, he’s pleased with how things are going. I’m still very fucked up, but at least I’m moving in the right direction, and knowing that you are the light at the end of this, I’ll keep trying so I’ll be able to be a better husband for you._ **

**_I’m looking forward to our wedding, Yuuri. We’re really going to make it an incredible day, and after that, I will make sure that you have the happily ever after that a sweet prince like you deserves._ **

**_Love you,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

It’s finally the day Yuuri will be calling me here for the first time, so of course, I wake up too early. I’ve barely slept anyway. Maccachin groans and stays on the bed, but I can’t lie around. In addition to being impatient and feeling like time has slowed down, I’m having alcohol cravings at an ungodly hour of the morning. It’s still quiet hours, so I can’t leave my room. I meditate to try to slow my heart down and calm myself. Then, I write some in my journal to pass time. The moment the breakfast hours start, I’m out my door and in the cafeteria.

There’s no one here at this hour, except for Nurse Ivken, who sees me sitting alone and comes to join me. He looks at my very full tray and gives me a nod of approval.

“It looks like you took my advice,” he comments as he yawns and takes bites of his own meal, “I’ve been concerned because you’re still underweight.”

“I told you. I was running on the lean side because it was the end of the skating season, and when I was unable to eat and on fluids, I dropped even more. I’ll gain it back. I always gain some during the off season. I’m mostly having trouble right now because, well…not to say that the staff here doesn’t do its best…”

“Yes, I know the food in any institution can’t compare with home cooked, but unfortunately…”

“I know,” I sigh, “You have to be sure that what we eat is controlled because we are addicts, and you don’t want us getting hold of any drug or booze laced foods or drinks. I understand, but it does make it hard for me when I know that there is really delicious food all around this place and I can’t pick up a damned phone and order any.”

“That is a frustration,” he says sympathetically.

He glances around the room and leans closer to me.

“Maybe you should organize a social event,” he offers.

“What?” I ask, frowning and tilting my head a little, “A social event? Why?”

“Because,” he answers, narrowing his eyes, “special events can be catered from the outside, as long as we have a security team member verify the contents of the food brought in, and that the guard is present while the food is being delivered to us.”

“Do they _really_ think people would go so far to get drugs in here? Nurse Ivkin, we can be drug tested at any time. We…”

“Victor, you know how powerful your longing for alcohol is. Drug cravings get really intense, and it make some people desperate.”

“Well, the only thing I’m desperate for is to get well and get out of here!”

“Oh, I think I’m hurt,” he jokes.

_He’s actually kind of funny when he’s not putting a needle in me._

“And after how well I took care of you when you were in withdrawal. I was there both nights.”

“Sorry,” I chuckle, “I appreciate all you did…well, maybe except for sticking needles in me.”

“Yeah, that comes with the job,” he laughs, “It makes people not like seeing me so much.”

“Well, you’re good company when you’re not armed with a syringe.”

“Thank you,” he says, looking amused, “Sorry, I have to go. They’re bringing in a new patient this morning.”

“Good luck with that,” I say, raising my juice glass, “I hope whoever it is, is not the pain in the ass I was in detox.”

“You weren’t so bad, Victor,” he chuckles, “Don’t worry about it. Eat. Get better. And enjoy your time withYuuri.”

“I will.”

I linger in the dining room, trying to eat, and eventually, Vasily shows up, but he’s with Calina, so I slip out while they’re getting their food, so I won’t bother them if they want to be alone. I head back towards my room, but I’m bored and don’t want to sit, looking at the walls until three this afternoon. I take Maccachin outside for a little walk, then I take him with me to one of the exercise rooms, that’s not being used at the moment.

I’m warm from walking, so I stretch a little, then I put on some classical music and use the dance floor in the room to do a little bit of ballet. I work on some moves I’m including in my new programs, just trying to pass the time, really. I am just finishing a pirouette, when I find myself looking at Masha’s smirking face. She’s wearing loose dance clothing and I realize that she’s often in the dance room at this time of the morning.

“Am I invading your space?” I ask, “I can leave.”

“It’s fine. You were here first. I can work around you.”

She starts warming up a short distance from me, watching as I plan a jump combination and pirouette where I’ll start a spin in my short program.

“Why aren’t you having breakfast with Vasily?” she asks, “Thought you two were buddies.”

“Hmm, he looked busy.”

She gives me a nasty little smirk.

“With Calina?” she teases.

“Shut up.”

She snickers and fiddles with the boombox, putting on the humorous version of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” complete with the main character’s two buddies singing to complain about the couple falling in love. Amused, we begin a parody of the song in which I sing the meerkat’s portion, while Masha sings the pig’s part.

_I can see what’s happening_

_What?_

_And they don’t have a clue_

_Who?_

_They’ll fall in love and here’s the bottom line, our trio’s down the tubes_

_We…don’t have a trio_ , Masha deadpans, _Remember? I don’t like you_

_The sweet caress of twilight, there’s magic everywhere_

_And with all this romantic atmosphere, disaster’s in the air._

Masha suddenly breaks her word about never dancing with me, and she takes my hand, following as I lead, while we dance together and continue to sing. But just a little further in, Masha grabs my arm to stop me as Vasily and Calina walk into the room together. She kicks the boombox to silence it and we grin at the two newcomers.

“What’s up with this?” Vasily asks, “I thought you two don’t like each other. Dancing together now? Are you making friends?”

“Heck no,” Masha laughs sarcastically, “I was just distracting him from pining until his loverboy calls.”

“How nice of you,” Vasily chuckles.

“Well,” I say to change the subject, “you know, I did promise to teach you some dance moves, Vasily. You know, because you taught me to sing?”

“That travesty I heard was after he _taught you_ to sing?” Masha teases me, “I’d get my money back if I were you…although, he can’t help it if you are just beyond help.”

“So sweet,” I sigh, “Shut up, will you? What do you say, Vasily? You’ve got a dance partner, right? And I have a… _Masha_.”

“You’d better be nicer to me,” Masha warns me.

“You know, if Victor wasn’t in love with Yuuri, you two would make a great couple,” Vasily snorts, “You fight like one.”

“SHUT UP!” Masha and I snap together.

Calina covers her mouth because she’s too polite to actually laugh at us out loud.

Within moments, we’ve got some of Vasily’s group’s music playing, and the four of us are dancing together. Despite her big mouth and saucy tongue, Masha is a good dance partner. She follows well and can be spontaneous. It makes me wonder even more about her story as I work with Vasily and Calina. After awhile, Calina has to run off to a group meeting. I switch to teaching Vasily moves to go along with his music. He learns pretty quickly.

“How did you get this far and not know how to dance well?” I tease him, “You’ve even done videos for your music.”

“I don’t dance in them,” he laughs.

“Well, I’m going to teach you so you’ll be able to. Do you have any new songs that aren’t released yet?” I ask him, “I’ll choreograph your next video for you.”

“Heh, you will _never_ get me dancing good enough for my producer to allow that.”

“Oh ye of little faith,” I say with mock indignance, “I am Victor Nikiforov, drunk skater, choreographer and coach. I can teach _anyone_ to dance well enough to perform in a rock video!”

“Well, if you think you can,” Vasily laughs, brushing damp hairs away from his face, “But I think you have your work cut out for you.”

Vasily leaves to get the new song, and he comes back with several tracks he’s recorded.

“The first two are going to be the first songs released and will have videos. The others, well, if things go well, I’ll probably make videos for them too.”

We listen to the songs together. The first is a hard rock piece that I definitely think I can choreograph something to. The second is a love ballad. We start to work with the hard rock song, and after an hour, he’s doing a very good job of dancing to it.

“The love ballad, I’m not so sure what to do with,” he confesses, “I think we’ll get a couple of professional dancers…although my producer has been complaining about the cost.”

“Well, I can at least choreograph something for the dancers then.”

I have Masha dance with me for the first part, to show what I can plan for the hired dancers. There is a move in the sequence I’m showing him where Masha spins away, then turns back and wraps her arms around me from behind. We’re in the middle of that piece, and she spins out as I turn away. I hear her make a little surprised sound and I turn just in time to find myself face to face with Yuuri.

For a moment, I can’t believe my eyes. I can’t breathe and I can’t move as I look at his smiling face and wonder if I’ve just absolutely lost my mind or…if this could be happening. The next moment, my insides clench and I start to shake all over.

“Victor,” he says uncertainly, “are you all right?”

I manage a little nod, but I still can’t get my voice to work, so I wrap my arms around him and start crying into his shoulder while Masha and Vasily exchange sympathetic looks and leave us alone in the room.

This time, I really do smell his scent when I breathe in, and I melt when he runs his fingers through my hair. I press my trembling lips to his throat, and I can feel his heart pounding. He sniffs softly, and I can feel that he’s shaky too.

“Sorry,” he whispers, “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m…j-just surprised,” I answer as my voice finally comes unstuck and starts to work again, “Stefan only said that you’d be calling me. He didn’t say that you would come here today.”

“Stefan and I have been talking a lot this week,” Yuuri tells me, “Since you signed the form giving him permission to talk to me about your progress, he’s called almost every day. He told me that you were in the infirmary.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Yuuri,” I apologize, “That must have worried you. But I’m all right now.”

“Are you?” he asks, pulling back a little as he runs his hands down my torso, “Victor, you seem too thin.”

“I know,” I answer, pulling away slightly and looking down at myself, “I lost weight when I was on the IV because I was passed out for two days. I’m trying to eat enough, but…it’s hard. The food is okay here, but I have no appetite for it.”

“Really?” he says, giving me a really cute little smirk and showing me an insulated container, “Maybe I can help with that.”

I lose my breath all over again.

“Yuuri, what is that?”

“Show me where your room is, and I’ll let you see,” he giggles, “I can’t show anyone, because it’s not really allowed. Stefan helped me sneak it past the front desk.”

“Oh my god!” I gasp, “Please tell me that’s what I think it is!”

I grab his hand and yank him into a run. We’re back in my room in a second and I slam and lock the door behind us. I turn to kiss him, but he’s in the middle of opening the container, and a beautiful, wonderful scent fills the air around us as he reveals a freshly made pork cutlet bowl.

“Oh I FUCKING LOVE YOU!” I sob, grabbing the bowl out of the container, “I’ve had nothing good to eat for a WEEK!”

“Stefan was worried about that, and I was too. So, we worked out a plan to sneak this in for you. It’s extra large, just like you like it.”

I sit down on the bed and practically dive into the bowl, eating frantically, as though I haven’t eaten anything at all in a month. I can’t even describe the almost obscene feeling of pleasure I get from having the flavor radiate on my tongue and all through my mouth and nostrils.

“Oh my god! Oh my god! So gooooood!” I gush between bites, “Yuuri, did you make this at home?”

“Yeah. Just for you.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh fucking god, THANK YOU!”

Luckily, it’s a big meal, so it lasts a little while, even with me eating so fast. I end up with a lot of greasy bits on my face and Yuuri starts to go get a washcloth for me, but I eat all of the little pieces too, just leaving some grease on my face. He tries to wash my face, but I tackle him and bring him down onto his back on the bed. I kiss him open mouthed, even though I taste like the katsudon I was eating. Yuuri doesn’t seem to mind at all. He holds me as tightly as I hold him, and we start tearing each other’s clothes off.

I don’t even wait until we’re all of the way undressed and I don’t really bother with preparation. I just dampen my fingers a little with saliva and rub it on his already very swollen penis. It hurts a lot, but I’m desperate to be joined with him, and I have no idea if all of this is really happening, or if I’m going to realize all of a sudden that I was dreaming. But it turns out that it’s no dream. I feed on him like I can’t stop, but Yuuri is just as desperate as I am. He doesn’t hold back anything, but thrusts, hard and fast as I rise and fall on him. We kiss so hard that it hurts, and we hold each other like we’re both afraid the other will disappear. It’s not until we’ve surrendered to climax and I collapse on his chest that we slow down and think a little. My first question to him is a pretty obvious one.

“Yuuri, how did you get permission to come? I thought that after blackout, we would have a week of phone only and…”

“Well, Stefan was convinced when you were having so much trouble, that he needed to allow us more contact. He’s worried about you not thriving. He says he’s worried it’s more than just detox. You might not be able to eat because you’re so depressed about being away from home. He thought that Maccachin being here would help more, but when it didn’t help enough, he called me and told me to come and cheer you up.”

I smile weakly at him and run my fingers along his cheek.

“How long will you stay?” I ask.

“Well, married couples can have overnight visits, once the blackout is over…at the discretion of your recovery specialist, of course. I’m allowed to come every Saturday and spend the night.”

“But…we’re not married,” I remind him.

“No,” he agrees, “but the policy takes into account committed couples who live together, and gives them the same privileges as a married couple.”

“S-so, you can stay with me…?”

“Once a week,” he affirms, “I’ve got permission from both Stefan and Doctor Bershov.”

“Oh, I don’t dislike Doctor Bershov nearly so much now!”

Yuuri laughs.

“Yuuri, will you bring me a pork cutlet bowl _every_ week?” I ask.

“Hmm,” he snickers, narrowing his eyes, “I think that depends on how well Victor behaves.”

I lift myself and start making a line of kisses down his chest.

“Ah!” I laugh, “Let me show you just what a good boy I can be!”


	8. Finding New Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Victor confides in Yuuri, he finds new strength in his lover.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_It’s hard to find a way to tell you exactly how it felt to have you appear in front of me like you did today. Joy is too tame a word. I was more like euphoric when I turned around and you were there. The feeling was so strong that, for a moment, I couldn’t move. My throat tightened up and I couldn’t say anything. I was feeling so many things all at once, I just froze._ **

**_I felt like it had been forever since I was really with you. To not have to pretend to see you, to feel your warmth and feel your closeness was overwhelming. It’s like being away from you left me empty, and it was shocking to be filled again with you so suddenly._ **

**_Now, to watch as you lie sleeping is like heaven to me. Your lips smile like you know I’m right here, and that it doesn’t matter we’re in a strange place and not our house. Everywhere we are together, we are at home. And I think that’s because what I think of as my home has changed. Home is where we are. Home is what we are when we are together._ **

**_Thank you, Yuuri. Thank you for being strong while we’ve been apart. Thank you for caring so much to talk to Stefan almost every day about how I was doing and what progress I was making. Thank you for coming and surprising me, making me remember how to smile. Thank you for bringing me something that reminds me of our better days together._ **

**_Most of all, thank you because you’re going to be joining me for couple’s therapy in the morning. I was feeling sad because I saw it listed on the schedule of available groups, and I thought that I really wanted to be able to do that with you. But I thought that we had to be married to be able to go. I’m so glad we can share this. It’s hard facing my demons alone here. To have you here even one day a week and to have you in therapy with me makes me feel like I’m not trying to do this by myself. I know you didn’t get me into this mess, but you’re an angel to help me find my way out._ **

**_I owe you so much, and every day for the rest of my life, I will be grateful to you._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

When we finally stop making love and really start thinking again, I realize that there is information I need to pass on to Stefan. Because of my illness and a few scheduling issues, we haven’t had our private therapy session, and even if we had, I don’t know if I dare say what I have to tell him, out loud. The person stalking me could have done more than leave a note in my room and tie me up and photograph me in the infirmary. If this is a sneaky person, which is seems to be, then maybe that person would also have the means to listen in on things in my room. The person could be lurking around, working in the hallways or cafeteria, assisting in the infirmary, cleaning rooms. If I say the wrong thing or a wrong move gets made, something really bad could happen. So, to be safe, I coax Yuuri into the shower to clean up after our lovemaking, and I turn the water on full blast, so it’s loud. I move in close, like I’m kissing his neck, and I whisper into his ear.

“Yuuri, there is something I need you to do for me.”

He starts to step back to look at me and answer, but I hug him more tightly, so that he can’t move.

“I don’t know if there’s anywhere here safe to talk about it, because it may involve a staff member. I don’t know for sure yet.”

“What is it?” he breathes into my ear, barely audibly, “What’s happening, Victor?”

I can tell right away he’s scared.

I am too.

All of a sudden, my heart is pounding and I’m scared to death. I wonder what will happen if the person who is doing this figures out I’ve said something to Yuuri. Will he or she just come after me or could they harm Yuuri too? It scares me that Yuuri being here puts him in harm’s way. I feel an urge to protect him, and I know that in the past, I probably would have tried to push him away to keep him safe. But maybe, just maybe, I’m starting to change inside, because of everything that’s happened. I feel the strength that we have together, and I feel like it’s wrong to separate and not have that strength. I’ll still be more vulnerable when Yuuri’s not here, but when he is, we’ll be able to support and look out for each other. Yes, I need to entrust this to him, for my safety and his. I caress his back and kiss him beneath the ear before going on.

“Just after I arrived, I found a strange note in my journal,” I whisper to him, “It was a _Roses are Red_ poem that said, _Roses are red, violets are blue, Your Japanese lover is sweet, but I am the one meant for you._ ”

I feel him take a scared breath and his heart begins to race.

“I ignored it because there was someone who, at the time, I wasn’t getting along with. I thought that she did it to creep me out.”

“But, you don’t think it’s her now?”

“No, I’m sure it’s not. We still have our differences, but I know her a little better, and I really feel like this isn’t her. But that’s not the only thing that happened.”

“What else happened?”

“You know that I was in the infirmary?”

“Mmhmm.”

“While I was there and unconscious, someone came into my room there and took a naked picture of me. They put it into my journal again, and on the back was another poem that was a threat this time. I will show you when we go back into my room.”

“Victor, why didn’t you tell Stefan about this?”

“I haven’t had a private session with Stefan yet, because my illness threw me off my schedule for awhile. I don’t dare say anything when anyone else is around, so I’m telling you, because when you leave, you will be able to tell Stefan. I don’t have the first note, because I threw it away, thinking it was a stupid joke, but I’ll give you the picture with the second poem on it. Be sure that he gets it, but be careful no one sees you give it to him.”

“Okay, I’ll be careful,” he promises, “I’ll make sure he gets it. But Victor, you need to be really careful too. Keep Maccachin close to you when I’m not here. He won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“Yuuri, I’ve been thinking about that.”

He steals a little questioning glance and his eyes widen.

“Victor!” he hisses softly, “Don’t!”

“Yuuri, I know it’s dangerous, and it certainly will make me an easier target, but I couldn’t stand it if Maccachin got in the way of this person, and they hurt him or killed him to get to me. Macca is very old. If the person wanted to get past him, it would be easy. He really can’t protect me, and I can’t protect him here. Please, if you love me, then take Maccachin with you when you go. Talk to him and tell him that I love him and I miss him, but that this is really safer for him. Please, Yuuri. I know Maccachin is old and he won’t be with me forever, but I can’t lose him this way, of all ways. When he leaves me, I want it to be peacefully…with you and me right there with him.”

Yuuri thinks for a moment, then he shakes his head a little and answers with a question that instantly makes me tear up.

“If you asked Maccachin what to do, what do you think he would tell you?” Yuuri asks.

_I think my heart just broke into a lot of little pieces._

“Maccachin is very old and for his whole life, you have been there with him. He has comforted and protected you since he was little and you were just a teen. His whole life has been about loving you. He’s not young anymore, so he can’t do everything he could. But right now? Just having him in your room with you can keep the person stalking you from trying to come in. Maccachin would hear them, and even if he couldn’t stop them, he could alert you before anyone could get close to you.”

“Yuuri, no…”

“When you can’t be with him, then have someone you trust watch over him. You trust Vasily, right? There must be one or two people you could trust to take care of him.”

“Maybe, but I don’t…”

“Victor, let me ask you something. Why don’t you just take the picture to Stefan right now and tell him you need to leave? I’m sure he would let you if he saw that you were being threatened. I know that you want the therapy, but it’s not safe here for you. Maybe you can do outpatient therapy, now that you’ve gotten through most of the detoxification.”

“I thought of that,” I explain, “Then, I reread the papers I signed when I committed myself. Yuuri, while Stefan is my recovery specialist, he doesn’t get to make that determination. If I give him the photo and he reports it, there is still a procedure everything has to go through. There will be a meeting scheduled with me, Stefan, Doctor Bershov, the staff nurses who have worked with me, as well as Yakov, who holds my power of attorney while I’m considered incapable of making my own decisions and an ombudsman from the facility to represent my interests and make sure I’m treated fairly. But the person who has to determine the validity of my case isn’t Stefan, and the procedure would put me instantly at risk, because if this is a staff member, it could be one of the nurses or doctors who have worked with me. They could say something at the meeting to discredit me. And even if not, the procedure takes awhile because the meeting has to be scheduled for everyone. What if this is a staff member? If it’s someone who will be in that meeting, do you think they’ll just let the meeting happen? Or do you think they’ll make some move to harm me before I ever have that meeting?”

He stiffens under my hands, then lets out a frustrated breath.

“Maybe you’re right. I will take the picture to Stefan, but I want you to be careful, and to keep Maccachin with you whenever you’re alone. Lock your door and window at night. Do whatever you have to, to keep yourself safe.”

“Yuuri,” I whisper, tearing up again, “I know you’re probably right, but I hate even thinking of someone hurting Macca.”

“You’re worried for me and you’re worried for him. Maccachin and I are worried for you. I don’t know if you realize it yet, Victor, but when I moved in with you, you, Maccachin and I became a family. And each of us knows that we love the others. We love them, so we will do whatever we can to protect them…even if that puts us in harm’s way. I know it scares you to think of someone hurting him, but that old dog is the best protection you have right now. Don’t send him away and leave yourself wide open for this creep to get to you. That’s probably what they want you to do.”

_I know he’s right, but…I hate this!_

Yuuri rubs my back and kisses me while I cry out of frustration, but eventually, I come to terms with the fact that it’s really what I have to do. And Yuuri’s right, if Macca could talk, I know that he would want me to keep him with me, to let him stand between me and this stalker. I just know how heartbroken I’ll be if that person does harm him.

_God, please don’t let that happen to us!_

I’m still kind of a mess when we get out of the shower. I sit down on the bed with Maccachin, and I hug him tightly and whisper into his ear that I want him to be careful. He licks my face and makes me start crying again. Yuuri sits beside me, comforting me without words while I get myself together. Once I’ve got myself back under control, Yuuri uses his fingers to brush the hair away from my eyes.

“You know something?” he says thoughtfully, “After only one week, you are a little different.”

“What? You mean because I’m emotional and cry easily?” I huff, turning my head away.

“You don’t cry easily,” he says, taking hold of my chin and making me look into his eyes, “You cry about the things that really matter to you. Do you know that the whole time we were together for that season, you only really cried in front of me one time?”

“Well, what you said hurt me so badly, I couldn’t help it.”

“But now, you’re crying in front of me over other things that matter to you. You used to change the subject or distract me, so you wouldn’t have to deal with things. You’re more open with me, kind of like how I opened up to you before.”

I look back at him, unable to think of an answer. Then, Yuuri smiles and kisses me on the mouth.

“Thank you for sharing more things with me. Maybe you were worried before, because you were trying to help me when I was weaker and couldn’t really be an equal partner for you. But, because of you, I’m stronger now. It’s my turn to be there for you and help you become somehow stronger.”

“Stop it!” I complain, “You’ll make me cry again, Yuuri.”

“Go ahead,” Yuuri says, hugging me tightly, “If you are sad, cry on my shoulder. If you are scared, tell me, and we’ll face whatever it is together. If you’re angry, it’s okay. I know how to calm you down. And if you feel lost, I’m right here. We’ll find our way. It will be all right, I promise. You see, Vitya, you don’t have to always be the strong one now. When you need to, you can depend on me.”

_He has gotten stronger._

_I’ve been thinking that for a long time, of course, but I was worried that while he was getting stronger, I was getting weaker. I was struggling with alcohol addiction and my life was coming apart around my ears. Amidst everything, Yuuri was with me. Even when he was away from me, I felt the strength of his love._

Thinking about that brings a calm that lets me take a breath and relax a little. We kiss a bit more, then I pick my journal up and flip to the place where I left the picture. A jolt goes through my insides and I stiffen as I check thoroughly, but find that it’s gone. Yuuri starts to say something, but I push him down on the bed and start kissing him. I put my lips to his ear and tell him what he already seems to know.

“It’s gone.”

He kisses me on the throat and brings his lips to my ear to respond.

“You’ve kept it with you?”

“Mmhmm. I’ve put it down during some meetings, but it would have been risky for someone to take it then. I wish I knew when it was taken.”

“Could it have fallen out?”

“I don’t think so, but…maybe. But if someone found it who wasn’t the stalker, why wouldn’t they tell me? Why not give it back?”

“Unless it fell out and the stalker was lucky enough to find it.”

“Whatever happened to it, this is bad, Yuuri!” I whisper, “Remember, if Stefan tries to intervene by setting a meeting, there will be a panel deciding the validity of my complaint. I’m an addict, so even if Stefan believes me, there’s no guarantee that anyone else would!”

“What do we do?” Yuuri whispers back, his voice shaking, “You have to do something to protect yourself.”

“Yes,” I agree, “I want you to tell Stefan everything. Have him meet you somewhere away from here. Tell him what I told you, and tell him what happened to the evidence. If I get another threat, I’ll keep it under lock and key this time!”

Yuuri turns his head and gives me a worried look.

“But…what if whoever is doing this has already thought you would try to get a message to Stefan through me?”

We look at each other silently, holding each other close, because we’re both scared now. We know that I really have no options, other than this. I can’t have a meeting with no evidence. I can’t get out of the recovery center without a meeting. We have to get the message to Stefan and at least alert him. It’s all we can do.

I sit back up and bring Yuuri up with me.

“So,” I say, acting as though we hadn’t just been talking about hair raising things, “since you’re going to be here on Saturdays, there is a group meeting for addicts, where we meet with two counselors together, then the partners separate and one counselor meets with the addicts and one meets with the partners of the addicts. It’s supposed to give support to me, but also to you, because when I get out of here, you’ll want to know what you’re supposed to do to support me, _da_?”

“Right,” Yuuri agrees, “That sounds good, Victor. Sure, I’ll go with you.”

“Okay, we’ll go tomorrow then. I have a meditation class soon, so I should get ready. You are welcome to come. The group leader already said that visitors are welcome. It’s pretty relaxing, and I think we can both use that.”

“Right,” Yuuri agrees.

We dress, then leave the room together, and we bring Maccachin along. As we walk down the hallway, Petya heads the other way, approaching us.

“Yuuri,” I say, stopping in front of Petya, “this is Petya, another of the patients here. Petya, this is my partner, Yuuri Katsuki.”

“Hmm,” Petya says in the soft, quiet tone he always uses with everyone, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Yuuri.”

He pauses and glances at me for a moment, then smiles at Yuuri.

“There is quite a strong connection between you two.”

Yuuri blinks and looks confused as Petya continues down the hallway.

“Don’t mind him,” I chuckle, “He is a little strange. I kind of think that everyone here is a little bit strange. That might have something to do with why we all ended up here, you know?”

“Um…maybe?” Yuuri laughs, “But I don’t think you’re strange like _that_.”

“I should say that we all have our quirks.”

“That sounds more like you,” he giggles.

I slip an arm around him and nuzzle his cheek.

“You should be happy. You are my greatest and best quirk, Yuuri,” I purr in his ear.

“Ugh, quit with the PDAs, please?” Masha calls out from one of the exercise rooms.

Yuuri and I step into the room together and surprisingly, Masha stops in the middle of a pirouette and comes to meet us.

“So, you’re Yuuri Katsuki,” she says, ignoring me completely as I try to introduce her, “We didn’t get to say hello before because Victor was having a crisis.”

“I was not having a crisis,” I say, frowning, “I was surprised when Yuuri appeared so unexpectedly.”

Again, she ignores me, and she smiles warmly at Yuuri.

“I’m a big fan, Mr. Katsuki,” she says with a warmth I’ve never heard her use.

“Oh,” Yuuri says, blushing, “you can call me Yuuri.”

“It’s very nice to meet you, Yuuri.”

“Excuse us,” I say shortly, “we have a class to get to.”

“Will I see you at dinner?”

“ _Not if I see you first,_ ” I say beneath my breath.

“I’m not sure what Victor’s schedule is but…”

“Come Yuuri,” I say shortly, “We don’t want to be late.”

I can see Masha smirking at us as I hustle Yuuri down the hall.

_Seriously?_

_Is she sweet on my fiancé or something?_

_What is in that woman’s head?_

_No wait, I don’t want to know…_


	9. Love That's Always There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri spends time with Victor in rehab.

**_Dear Yuri,_ **

**_Doctor Bershov, lol, my ‘favorite’ therapist, set me an assignment to do in my journal so that I can, according to him, unlock my emotions about the child abuse I suffered and the fact that my sometime father nearly murdered me. I’ll include my first here to share it with you, and you can tell me if you think I did a good job. I won’t ask Bershov his opinion, though I’m sure he’ll give it anyway._ **

**_God, I really don’t like that man…_ **

**_But anyway, the poem is a word poem that is made from phrases I was given. The first is ‘I was an abused child.’_ **

**_ Victor _ **

**_It hurts._ **

**_Why can’t I move?_ **

**_Am I still breathing?_ **

**_Something is beeping._ **

****

**_A hand on my face_ **

**_Nurse tells me not to be afraid_ **

****

**_Aches in my body_ **

**_Bruises underneath my clothes_ **

**_Unwanted_ **

**_Sent away_ **

**_Endlessly wondering what I could have done differently_ **

**_Dying inside, but taught to smile_ **

****

**_Cold ice is my shelter_ **

**_Hiding the bruises under long sleeves_ **

**_Inside is the only place I cry_ **

**_Lose myself in the music_ **

**_Dance my pain until…someone sees_ **

****

**_Okay, I’m no poet, but I don’t think it’s bad. I wonder what Doctor PTSD with think of it. I’ll let you know._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

“The meditation class was really relaxing,” Yuuri says as he follows me back along the hallway to my room, “W-well, maybe except when he started talking about how couples can use it to connect and bond more closely for enhanced sexual pleasure.”

“You were blushing all over when he was explaining that,” I snicker, “So, are you horny?”

“Victor!” he laughs.

“Well, are you? We can…”

I stop as loud voices sound in a lounging room we are about to pass. Tolya’s voice sounds angrily as he addresses someone in the room with him.

“You disgusting old pervert!” Tolya says scathingly, as Yuuri and I peer around the corner and spot Tomas cringing back against the wall with Tolya’s hands against his shoulders and pushing him, “Stay away from me from now on!”

He lets go of Tomas and stomps out into the hallway, where he spots Yuuri and me and gives us a dismissive look.

“Freaks!” he spits as he pushes past Yuuri, almost knocking him over.

I reach out and steady Yuuri, then scowl after Tolya’s departing form.

“Asshole…”

Yuuri spots Tomas slinking out of the room, and he smiles kindly.

“Are you okay?” he asks, “That guy looked like he hurt you a bit.”

“I…I’m f-fine,” Tomas stammers, holding his journal tightly against his chest as he scurries past us, “Sorry! Sorry!”

“What’s up with him? With them?” I mutter, “Eh, whatever. Well, Vasily and Calina should be in the music room by now.”

“The music room?” Yuuri inquires, “Oh right, you were helping Vasily with his choreography.”

“Right.”

We find Vasily at the piano in the music room, and I sit beside him with Yuuri standing beside me. We listen as he plays and sings some of the love ballad, then he looks at the two of us and tilts his head a little.

“What?” I ask curiously.

“Hmm, I was just thinking about the video,” he answers thoughtfully, “I know I said I was thinking of hiring a couple of dancers, but…you know, I might not need to do that.”

“Oh? Why is that?”

Vasily grins.

“Because…I think I’m looking at the perfect couple to use in the video for my love ballad.”

Yuuri and I exchange tentative glances, then we give Vasily a shocked look.

“Victor and me?” Yuuri asks in a stunned tone.

“Exactly!” Vasily says, standing, “The two of you are perfect for the lyrics…you know, two people surprised by love? It starts out as two people who just like being together, then something bigger happens? We could use footage of your skating!”

“B-but, Victor and I have never done something like that,” Yuuri muses, “We’re not really…”

“Well, we do dance,” I remind him, “Just because it’s on ice doesn’t change that. It could be really fun, don’t you think?”

“But Victor, this is for a major music video. And you and Vasily are still in therapy. How is that going to work?”

“Let me worry about that,” Vasily laughs, “I want Victor to come up with the choreography to tell the story for the song. Do you think you can do it?”

I give him a shrug and an approving grin.

“I’ll give it my best.”

“Worst that happens is that it doesn’t work out, and I make something different. We can make a sort of little preview video to run by my producer and see what he thinks. I have most of what I need here already. I’ll just need permission from the facility to use recording equipment here. I’m sure we can work something out so that we can do this. What do you say, guys?”

Yuuri and I exchange glances, and I can tell Yuuri is flattered by the request, but he looks uncertain.

“What is it?” I ask him.

“Well,” he says, frowning a little, “I want very much to say yes, but…Victor, are you sure that it wouldn’t get us into trouble for a public display of our relationship?”

“There are lots of ways to avoid that,” Vasily says reassuringly, “We deal with this kind of thing all of the time. I know just how to make it so that what’s in the video doesn’t cause any problems. We’ll just do what the two of you do anyway. We’ll make the love story all about your skating. That’s what you do right now, _da_?”

“That’s right,” I agree.

“Okay,” Yuuri says, nodding, “If Victor thinks it’s okay, I’ll go along with it too.”

“This is going to be so much fun!” Vasily says excitedly, “Well, I’m going to run and get working on the permissions we need and the plans.”

He hands me the music sheet for the song.

“You can start thinking about the story, and how to show it.”

He gives Calina a little wink.

“Want to come and help me?”

“It sounds like fun,” she says, falling in with him.

We watch as the two leave, then I glance at the music, then back at Yuuri.

“Well, this will give me something to occupy me while we’re apart this week,” I comment as we head off to the cafeteria for dinner.

We find a quiet corner and start to eat, but halfway through, Masha appears and sits down with us. I start out feeling annoyed, because she continues to focus so much attention on Yuuri, but something in the things she says while they’re talking and the way she is so riveted make me think she might just be a little starstruck. And that’s not too hard to understand. Yuuri made a splash in the skating world when I became his coach, and when he came back to Russia after placing second in the Grand Prix Finals, he started to gain a following here too. As she continues to chatter with Yuuri, I also notice that she seems more relaxed with him. She’s careful around the people here. She’s only recently begun to relax a bit with me. I’ve never seen her have a visitor. All I really know is that she transferred here from another facility just before I arrived. I’ve never heard her talk about the move or why it happened.

_Maybe after Yuuri leaves, I’ll try to coax a little out of her._

“Sorry to talk your ear off,” she chuckles, “but I haven’t missed one of your performances since I first saw you at the Rostelecom Cup with Victor.”

“You were there?” Yuuri asks.

_Hmm, maybe I don’t have to wait to dig for more._

“A friend…my boyfriend got tickets and we went together. He was excited because Victor was coming back to Russia and everyone was talking about it. I hadn’t been to an event like that before, and I really liked it.”

She pauses for a moment and glances at me.

“I thought it was funny when Victor was distracted by the audience chanting his name, and you grabbed his tie and pulled him close to you. You have balls of steel, doing something like that to Russia’s ice prince in front of his home crowd. And Victor suddenly forgot everything except you. Then…you made everyone watching forget about everything but you, too.”

“Yuuri has that effect,” I agree.

It doesn’t escape me that she doesn’t call me ice fairy this time.

_I’m missing something about her._

_What?_

“He is a brilliant skater.”

“I have a brilliant coach,” Yuuri says proudly.

“Victor does find the best in people, doesn’t he?” she remarks.

_She…complimented me?_

_I am so confused now._

“He does,” Yuuri goes on, “I’m lucky to have him.”

“You are lucky to have each other.”

I hear something in her voice when she says that. It sounds like a touch of pain. Maybe she’s a little lonely? I mean, she doesn’t act like she needs anybody. Since I came here, she’s been nothing but tough and standoffish. She’s abrasive and kind of a loner. She has loosened up with me, Vasily and Calina, but she keeps this little distance.

“Thank you,” Yuuri says appreciatively, “It’s nice meeting you, Masha. I hope to see you when I come back next week too. How long will you be in therapy?”

“Oh…a while,” she sighs, shaking her head, “Two steps forward, one step back, you know.”

“Do you have someone supporting you? Your boyfriend?”

“Um…no. My boyfriend dumped me and I don’t really get along with my family,” she admits.

Yuuri looks at me for a moment, then back at her.

“Victor and I will support you,” he offers, “You should come to group therapy with us.”

_Did he just…?_

“Oh, no, you’re here to see Victor on weekends,” she objects, “I’m doing fine in my therapy.”

Yuuri considers her words, then shakes his head.

“ _Everyone_ needs to feel supported sometimes, even if they think they don’t.”

“Yuuri, she said…”

“I saw the two of you dancing together when you were showing Vasily what you had planned for the video so far,” Yuuri interjects, “You both like to dance. I could see how happy that made you. When you’re fighting addiction, it’s important to connect with other people.”

He turns his attention to me again.

“I didn’t tell you this before, but I am in a group for partners of alcoholics,” he explains, “I had to get help from Sava to find one where they speak English so I can understand, even though my Russian isn’t so good yet. Anyway, I know it’s good for Victor to make friends here. It will help him to progress, and having friends will help you too. So…will you go with us, Masha?”

She looks genuinely surprised and more than a little unsure what to do.

“Um…you know, I’ll think about it, okay?” she says, “Nice eating with you.”

She leaves even though she’s not finished with her food.

Yuuri looks at me and smiles ruefully.

“I hope it’s okay I did that,” he says, “I can see that she gets on your nerves for some reason.”

“Mostly because when you’re not here, she insults me a lot.”

“Kind of like a sister,” Yuuri chuckles, “She seems a little like Yurio sometimes, doesn’t she?”

That takes me aback a little.

“Yes, kind of,” I agree.

“So, just treat her like you do Yurio, and you’ll get along fine.”

I have to laugh out loud at that.

“Yurio and I don’t get along fine!” I giggle, “We fight all of the time.”

“But underneath that, you know that he looks up to you, and the two of you are really friends. Maybe the friendship you and Masha have is complicated like that.”

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it,” I complain, “Yuuri, you don’t know the crap she’s pulled with me. She was a shit to me when I first got here.”

“But she isn’t now, right?”

“Eh, no?”

“You don’t think she could be the person stalking you, right?”

I pause to consider everything, and I have to shake my head.

“No, she’s a troublemaker and she had it in for me at first. But after I collapsed in front of her, and she saw me really in distress, she lightened up. She’s been better, though I would hesitate to call it being nice exactly. She is like Yurio sometimes.”

“She seems lonely,” Yuuri comments, “and I wonder why her boyfriend left her.”

“I didn’t know she had no support from her family. I guess we can encourage her to come to group therapy too, if you want.”

Yuuri leans closer to me and takes my face in his hands, giving me a kiss.

“I want you to be safe,” he whispers into my ear, “The more people you have that you can trust, the more you will be protected from the person trying to hurt you.”

“But, what if I trust the wrong person, Yuuri?” I whisper back, “What then?”

We’re quieter as we finish dinner and head back to my room for the night. I feel so much better as we undress and curl our naked bodies around each other.

“Oh, I missed sleeping with you!” I sigh, burying my face in his neck and shoulder and breathing in deeply.

“For tonight, you’ll sleep better,” Yuuri whispers, running his fingers through my hair, “Build up your strength with me, so that you’ll have a good week in therapy, Vitya.”

“I don’t want to go to sleep,” I yawn, “The night will go too fast, and it will be time for you to leave too soon.”

“Shh,” he breaths, stroking my head and back gently, “Go to sleep, Vitya.”

I resist at first, but Yuuri starts singing a cute Japanese lullaby, and I drop off pretty quickly. I do sleep better, at least until very early morning, when my body suddenly decides to punish me for continuing to withhold the liquor. My heart starts racing, my head begins to ache, and I start sweating. I don’t want to wake Yuuri, so I slip out of bed and go sit on the floor in my bathroom. I keep a cool, wet washcloth to dab away the sweat, and I close my eyes and try to use the meditation I’ve learned to calm myself. I wrap my arms around my bent legs and rest my face on them, trying to rest.

After awhile, Yuuri opens the bathroom door and looks in without turning on the light.

“Are you all right?” he whispers, looking a little scared.

“Mmhmm,” I reassure him, “Sorry, it’s just withdrawal. It makes me uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to wake you.”

I use the washcloth to wipe the sweat from my face.

“Or sweat all over you,” I add.

“Don’t worry about that,” he says, reaching out a hand, “Come back to bed.”

I take his hand and he helps me up, then we climb back into bed and he gives me little calming touches and hums something soothing until I can fall asleep again.

_What did I ever do to deserve him?_

_How did I even survive before I met and loved Yuuri?_


	10. Making Amends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri attend family and couple's therapy together.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_Have I ever told you how beautiful you are when you’re in our bed, naked and curled up beside me? I was telling you that for a long time this morning when I was awake, but you were still sleeping. And after that, I was just lying there, kissing your soft neck and your shoulder, telling you “I love you, Yuuri.” over and over. Eventually, you opened your lovely brown eyes and you smiled at me. You asked me why I was just lying there, repeating those words._ **

**_And like I’ve been doing too much since I’ve been in this crazy, horrible place, I started to leak tears onto my face and told you that I have to tell you that so many times, because I can’t be at home to say it to you every day. Because I fucked up my body with alcohol before I even knew you, we have to be apart a lot while I fix myself. I ache so much for you when I’m alone here, and I know you ache for me. One of the things I’ve learned in therapy is that it’s important to acknowledge the hurt that my drinking has caused and to try to make what apologies I can._ **

**_What I really wish I could do is to go back and kick my younger self in the ass and tell him not to be so stupid! I would tell him that all of the pain, all of the loneliness and sadness would go away. I would tell him that someday, a beautiful Japanese boy would steal his heart and would open up new worlds for him to explore and enjoy. It kills me to think of the time that’s passing and the days and nights we are losing because of my bad choices._ **

**_I told you all of this and you told me that I don’t have anything to apologize to you for. You said that you were sure that it wasn’t easy for me, that I was young and I’d had a lot of bad things happen to me. You reassured me that we are both strong enough people to get through this separation, and that when I am done, we will have many years to love each other, and to build whatever future we choose._ **

**_This is just one of the million ways you constantly remind me how lucky I am to have you, so I will spend the rest of my days making you lucky to have me too. I will find a way, no, a billion ways to love you the way you deserve to be loved, and to give you every happiness._ **

**_Love you,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Yuuri usually sleeps late, but he wakes up early, maybe because, like me, he dreads the fact he’s going to say goodbye later today, and it will be another week before we can see each other again. We try to be practical about the whole thing, reminding ourselves that there have been other times when one thing or another made us spend time away from each other, and we got through that okay. I guess, for me, it’s really just that I still blame myself for screwing around and getting addicted to booze, even though that happens to a lot of kids in Russia…hell, it happens to a lot of kids everywhere. I just regret now that I let it happen to me…to us. If nothing else, it’s a sign that this love we share is so intense, it can be overpowering. I didn’t realize love could be that strong.

But it is that strong and stronger, so as we wake to the last hours we are together, we decide to not think about it anymore, and just to enjoy the time that we have.

We take Maccachin out for a jog, but it ends up with us just walking because my body is still recovering from being so sick after I arrived here. If my stamina was an issue before, it’s exacerbated by the effects of withdrawal, so we take it easy and just stroll about the grounds with Macca before going back and getting ready for couple’s therapy. We look for Masha to see if she wants to come, but she isn’t anywhere to be found, so we have breakfast, then attend the therapy session.

Surprisingly, Tolya is in our group, but it’s his mother who attends, not a romantic partner. He glowers at Yuuri and me, but he doesn’t say anything to either of us. I have to wonder what it is that makes him so hateful to people he doesn’t even know. And during the session, I begin to see that a lot of his issues are because of the way he was raised. His mother, herself, seems just reserved, not openly hostile in any way, but things that she says during the session make it clear that Tolya’s family is very orthodox Christian.

Eda is also in the session, attending with her sister for the first time, instead of her husband, who she tells the group, is leaving her for their friend from church that he is having an affair with. She holds herself up well, but Yuuri and I can see it’s crushing for her to lose the person she loved for so long.

“I think the hardest thing,” she confesses, “is that Berdy and I didn’t really fight the way I would have thought that a couple in trouble would. I mean, we had disagreements, but he never said that it was bad enough to make him look somewhere else for love. I never refused to be with him the way a wife should be with her husband. It seemed like there were challenges, but that we were both doing our best. From what I can tell now, Berdy went out of his way not to make any waves or to give me any hint that our marriage was in trouble. But when he was caught and couldn’t lie anymore, his choice was to leave me in the middle of my therapy and to go to this woman who had been comforting him for many years while we were raising our children. I just wonder, if I hadn’t found out, if he hadn’t been caught, how long would he have kept on lying. I also have to wonder how she feels, knowing that he only went to her in the end, because he couldn’t keep up the double life. Maybe she’s relieved he got caught and she finally won him for herself. I’m sad that Berdy is gone, but I do think that his adulterous lover is going to find that he’s not so exciting when he doesn’t have to work hard to be able to see her.”

“It was similar with me,” another female patient named Raya says, “It’s possible that she will realize this, now that it’s just the two of them. That happened with my husband, and a few months later, he tried to come back and convince me to leave my Levka. I didn’t even blink. I told him to hit the road and keep going. I have enough trouble staying sober and fighting my anxiety. I don’t need someone like him. I appreciate now having someone who really loves me, and who is as devoted to me as I am to him. If he comes back, remember that he’s not the last man in the world. There are better men out there.”

Eda thanks her for her support, then she looks at me.

“I’m curious, Victor,” she says thoughtfully, “You’ve been the other partner, the one who a married woman cheated with. I know that you didn’t know she was married, and you ended it when you did find out. I know it’s a personal question, but…”

“It’s fine,” I assure her.

I’m not really sure in my head if it is fine, but this is therapy, and we’re supposed to feel supported in sharing, knowing that no one is supposed to share things they learn here that are private. Yuuri knows, of course, about the incident with that girlfriend of mine, but I’ve never really talked in detail about it.

“Maybe it’s a little different,” I say, “because Kisa was keeping both her husband and me in the dark about everything. They had been married for about seven years and I was younger than she was. I was growing popular in the skating world. I had plenty of choices of who to date, but it was important to me to be loyal to one person. Kisa knew those things, so maybe she lied because I was naïve, and she wanted to be attractive to me. She knew I liked to go out with friends to a particular night club every week, so she dressed up and came to that club, and talked to me a lot. She seemed sophisticated and exciting. I had no idea that while she was out with me, her husband was thinking that she was with her friends having dinner or something. She came to see me skate away from home, and stayed with me in my hotel room. Maybe I should have asked more questions. I don’t know. I just never thought someone would do that…not to their husband and not to me. When I learned from a friend that she was lying to me, that she had a husband, I was overseas with her for a competition. We fought and I told her to leave. Then, when I returned to Saint Petersburg, I waited until I was sure that he was home and she wasn’t. I went to see him.”

“That must have been really awkward,” Eda says, giving me a sympathetic look.

“I was actually kind of afraid of him at first,” I admit, “I mean, I had no idea what Kisa told him about me. I was sure she blamed me for everything. I thought he might get violent with me, so I had Yakov, my skating coach, come with me to ensure my safety, and I talked to him for awhile. I apologized for the pain that Kisa and I had caused him and assured him that I had no idea she was married. At first, he looked mad, but as I talked to him, he sighed and admitted I wasn’t the first guy that she’d done this to. Then he surprised me even more by telling me that while Kisa was cheating on him with me, she was also cheating with another man too. From what he could tell, it seemed to make her feel desirable if she could attract younger men.”

“And how did you feel about that?” Stefan asks.

“Stupid. Clueless. Like an idiot. It was awhile before I dated anyone again, and I made sure after that to get to know the person and their friends before getting involved. That was probably the last time I was really reckless about falling for anyone.”

I pause and glance at Yuuri while I squeeze his hand.

“At least until Yuuri came along and very literally swept me off my feet.”

“I suppose that woman must be the reason you gave up on women and instead began to violate nature by dirtying your soul by loving another man,” Tolya’s mother says suddenly.

Stefan looks shocked and tries to intervene, but I nod to let him know I’m okay with answering her.

“Actually,” I explain, “I dated quite a few women after Kisa. I never considered the gender of my partner as important, but then, I was never attracted to a man before Yuuri. I had stopped dating and hadn’t been in a relationship for over five years when I met Yuuri, but I knew when we met, that I was definitely attracted to him, and I won’t be sorry for it or think of it as, in any way unnatural.”

“But the laws of God say it’s unnatural and wrong,” Tolya’s mother insists, “If you only read…”

“I assure you,” I tell her, “I have read it and I have sat in church as a child, listening to people say that, but I know, and you should too that it is not factually correct to call homosexual behavior _unnatural_. For something to be unnatural, you would not expect it to happen in nature, right?”

“But that is just because man is born to sin, and sin must be resisted. You should stop that behavior and confess it.”

“Are you aware that homosexual behavior isn’t just a human behavior?”

Tolya flinches. He’s a college boy. He probably suspects where I am going with this.

“Homosexual behavior occurs frequently in nature, in many different species,” I explain, “It’s a scientific fact, if you care to explore it. What you’ve said to me is a lie that you’ve probably been told all of your life. It’s not your fault. Lots of people listen to their priests over listening to their instincts.”

“Because our instincts tell us to sin!” Tolya’s mother says firmly, “Like Tolya sinned with that boy in his college!”

Tolya’s face goes sheet white, and everyone in the room goes silent.

“Mother, please stop.”

“It was his human predisposition to sin that made him get that frat boy drunk with him and do what he did. It was evil, tempting him into…”

“I SAID STOP!” Tolya shouts, “It wasn’t the devil or anything like that, that made me get Patya drunk and videotape myself taking advantage of him. I was curious and he was attractive and innocent. Instead of just asking him out and getting to know him, I assumed he would reject me, because since I was little, I sat there and listened to you, Dad and that stupid preacher you liked so much that being a homosexual would doom me to hell! And do you want to know something that will make you rethink what you’ve just said to everyone here? That son of a bitch preacher you liked so much was getting me drunk on sacramental wine and molesting me behind your fucking backs!”

It’s then that I think to myself that all of us here in recovery have things that pushed us towards addiction. We all have things we’re not proud of, skeletons in our closets, secret shame that stabs at our hearts.

“Stop looking at me like that!” Tolya shouts at all of us, “I don’t want your stupid pity! I don’t need this and I don’t need a goddamned one of you!”

Tolya’s mother sits there with a stunned look on her face, and I can see her mind rewriting history the way mine did when I found out that my girlfriend was actually married and lying to me about everything.

“Yelena,” Stefan says quietly, “we should go and speak privately.”

She doesn’t move and she doesn’t answer. She looks like a zombie as he takes her arm and helps her to her feet.

“I am sorry,” he says to the rest of us, “We will need to end early today.”

Yuuri and I are quiet as we leave the conference room and head to the cafeteria for lunch. Masha is there, sitting with Vasily and Calina, and Yuuri and I go to join them.

“Finally,” Vasily says, “someone who can give the rest of us a clue about what the hell’s going on with Tolya.”

“Wow,” Yuuri remarks, “word travels fast.”

“Well, no one said anything,” Calina explains, “but Tolya went blowing through the hallway as we were coming down, and he locked himself in his room. He was in the family and couple’s therapy with you, right?”

“Yes, he was, and things got pretty tense.”

I know not to say more, and they know not to ask for details. It’s the rules that we don’t speak of things that are private like that without the permission of the person being talked about.

“Looks like,” Vasily agrees, “He looked about ready to explode.”

“Well, he probably needs to wind down,” I suggest.

“Yeah, probably,” Masha agrees, “He’s always angry to begin with, but it was off the charts this time.”

We eat without much talking after that, then Yuuri and I head back to my room so that he can gather his things to go home. I’m still agitated from the therapy session and knowing that I won’t see Yuuri again for a week isn’t helping my mood any. When his things are gathered, Yuuri kisses me and holds me quietly for several long minutes before saying anything.

“I feel bad, leaving when things are so tense around here.”

“Oh that?” I chuckle, trying to brush it off, “That’s how therapy is, Yuuri. We’re all pretty screwed up, here. Why should Tolya be any different?”

“I feel bad for him. I mean, I know he’s been awful to us, but think about what he went through…”

“I have been. It’s horrible. His mother must be beside herself.”

“Well, luckily, she has Stefan to comfort her.”

“But how must that feel, to see how, after doing her best to raise her son to be a good and strong person, she realizes that things aren’t like they seemed on the surface?” I wonder aloud.

“It was a shock,” Yuuri agrees, “but maybe this happening will give Tolya and his mom a chance to get things out in the open and deal with them.”

“That would be good,” I agree, “It seems like Tolya was holding everything in and just trying to look tough and angry on the outside. Inside, he is really messed up.”

“Having someone you look up to, someone you love, betray you like that preacher did, has got to be unbearable.”

I look around and suddenly notice that Maccachin isn’t with us.

“Yuuri…”

I can’t say anything. I’m too worried, all of a sudden, so I run out into the hallway and look in both directions. I spot Macca down the hallway, scratching at Tolya’s door.

“No, Maccachin,” I scold him, “Come.”

He shakes himself and lays down at Tolya’s door, whimpering.

Yuuri and I walk to the door and find that it’s slightly ajar, and as Maccachin stands and pushes against it, the door opens more, and Yuuri and I freeze and stare at the hideous sight of Tolya’s body, hanging by his belt from the bedroom’s light fixture. Yuuri starts to shake all over and his eyes get round and filled with terror.

“Go and get someone!” I shout, startling him out of his reverie. I jump onto the chair that Tolya seems to have used, and I loosen the belt so that he falls to the floor.

As I get down off the chair, Masha runs into the room and practically knocks me aside as she immediately begins CPR.

“Is he breathing at all?” I ask in a whisper.

“No. You do compressions. Do you know how?”

“Yes,” I assure her, “All of us on the national team have that as a requirement.”

She gives him a couple of breaths, then lets me do the compressions. We take turns giving him compressions and breaths until Nurse Derdova runs in with Yuuri a step behind. A security guard appears in the doorway and won’t let anyone else into the room.

“We’ve called for an ambulance,” the nurse tells us, “I’ll take care of him now. The three of you need to go to Doctor Bershov’s office. He and the police will want to question you.”

“Of course,” I answer.

Yuuri, Masha and I go out into the hallway, and as we leave the room, it starts to hit me what just happened. I wasn’t shaking before, while everything was happening, but I start to shake now, until it’s hard to breathe and I start to feel dizzy. I have to sit down and put my head between my knees, and I can barely hear Masha and Yuuri talking to me. But I hear when Nurse Derdova calls out to see if I am there.

Yuuri helps me to my feet and we go back into the room. I stare in shock as I see she points quickly to something on the floor near Tolya. Yuuri makes a guttural sound like he can’t believe his eyes as he takes in the naked picture of me that was taken in the infirmary. I start to reach for it, but Nurse Derdova stops me.

“Did you know about that picture?” she asks.

“I knew about the picture,” I answer, “but I don’t know how he got it. Someone took it while I was unconscious and used it to threaten me. I had it in my journal, but someone took it.”

“Did you tell anyone about the picture or the threat?” she asks in a low, serious voice.

“The writing on the back threatened me with death if I did,” I tell her, “Read it for yourself.”

“Maybe once I make sure that he doesn’t die.”

“He’s still alive?” Yuuri asks in a trembling voice.

“For now, but I don’t know if he’ll survive. Go now, and stay in Doctor Bershov’s office. Don’t stop and don’t talk to anyone but him and the police!”


	11. Masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shocking new clues are uncovered as Tolya's case is investigated.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I feel so sick inside with all that has happened. If it was hard before, going through the stress and discomfort of withdrawal, things have gotten even worse now. Ever since Maccachin led us to Tolya’s hanging body, I can’t get calm inside. As we wait for Doctor Bershov and the police to arrive to question us, I am writing to distract myself, hoping that my pounding heart will slow down, and that the horrible feeling of sickness inside will go away. But it’s like I keep seeing it repeatedly…Tolya hanging from the light fixture, looking like a grotesque Halloween decoration. I keep seeing his mother’s white face, her blank expression. God, Stefan has her in his office that is just down the hall. The door is closed, so we shouldn’t be hearing it so much, but her sobs reach us anyway._ **

**_They won’t let her go to him, and I understand that they mean it to be for her own good. No one wants to say it, but it doesn’t look good for Tolya. And if things go wrong, they don’t want her to have her last image of him be like that. Still, this leaves her with the image of her devastated son screaming at her that the preacher they trusted was secretly molesting Tolya. There’s no good answer. No matter how it goes, there is so much damage._ **

**_I feel so awful, Yuuri. Even with you sitting right beside me, leaning against my shoulder as I write this, I can’t get calm. Even writing down what I’m feeling doesn’t help. And as the pain in my heart gets stronger, my longing for the numbness that drinking gave me gets more and more powerful. It’s not just that my heart is racing, and that sweat has broken out on my skin. It’s not just that I feel a strange kind of thirst that requires the burn of alcohol on my throat to quench it. Even though my mind knows that I don’t want to drink, my body is convinced that it’s the only relief. I ache for the feeling of it sliding down my throat, and the gradual relaxation it brings, the little release of breath and the onset of distance and numbness…when it takes effect and the light, the noise and the loud screaming of emotions in my head all fade out. I can pretend, then, that everything is all right. I can pretend I didn’t just find Tolya hanging from a light fixture after trying to kill himself. I can pretend there’s not some crazy person wanting to hurt me. I can forget that, as soon as the police leave, you’ll be leaving too. I already know I won’t sleep tonight. I’ll see Tolya every time I try to close my eyes. And I won’t have you there. I’ll face the thing I’m really most afraid of, Yuuri._ **

**_Facing everything alone._ **

**_I know we say that we’re together in spirit, but I don’t just want to be together that way. I want to hold on to you, because I know if my hands are on you and if you’re close to me, I can fight off the bad emotions and the feeling of illness. I can calm my own fears and let my heart settle._ **

**_God, I just want to go home with you._ **

**_Ah…Doctor Bershov is coming._ **

**_I really don’t like that man, and sometimes? I feel like he doesn’t like me either. I know Stefan says that’s just the way he is, but I just really can’t like him at all. I don’t know if that’s because of him, or if it’s because of me. Hell, it’s probably just me._ **

**_Love you, Yuuri_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

“Thank you for waiting,” Doctor Bershov says quietly as he enters the office alongside a male police officer, “Officer Levkin, these are the three who found the patient, Tolya, hanging in his room. The young lady is Masha. The male patient is Victor, and our visitor is Yuuri.”

The officer nods briefly and takes out a notepad and pen.

“So, all of you found Tolya?” he asks.

“Yuuri and I found Tolya,” I explain, “We were coming back from eating in the cafeteria. My room is just a little down the hall from Tolya’s. Yuuri and I went into my room. We were talking about our family therapy that we went to just before eating. It ended early, because Tolya revealed something in the meeting that shocked his mother.”

“And what was that?”

I glance at Doctor Bershov and he gives me an encouraging nod.

“It’s okay to reveal this to law enforcement for Tolya’s own good,” he tells me.

“Okay. Tolya’s mother had said something to me about…”

I stop for a moment, my mind going back to the last time Yuuri and I were talking to the police.

_If I bring up my relationship with Yuuri, will that cause problems for us?_

“About what?” the officer prompts me.

“She was confronting me about my choice of partner,” I explain, “and when she mentioned the hazing incident that was the reason Tolya agreed to therapy here, Tolya got angry and he…yelled at her and told her…”

I have to stop again, because I don’t feel like it’s right to reveal this to anyone. Doctor Bershov’s eyes narrow as he looks at me, and I can see he knows exactly what is going through my mind.

“Go on, Victor,” he says with a bit of tension in his voice.

“He told her that when he was younger, the family’s pastor had molested him. Then, he left the meeting.”

“Were all three of you in the therapy meeting?” the officer asks.

“I wasn’t,” Masha says, “I was in an exercise room near the patient rooms, and I saw Tolya stomp past, then I heard his door slam and a click like it was locking.”

“Did you go out into the hallway?”

“Yes, just to look.”

“Was anyone there?”

“Not that I saw. So, I went on to the cafeteria, where I ate with two other patients, Vasily and Calina. Victor and Yuuri arrived about five or so minutes after I did.”

“How much time do you estimate that you spent between the time Tolya passed you and the time you joined your friends?” the officer asked.

I don’t know if he means it to sound accusing, but it’s pretty clear he’s thinking that Masha is a suspect.

“Did anyone see you in the exercise room or between that time and when you joined your friends to eat?”

Masha frowns as she thinks.

“I don’t think so. I didn’t see anyone around.”

“Very well.”

He turns his attention back to Yuuri and me.

“Gentlemen, can you give me a timetable for everything that happened from the moment Tolya left the conference room?”

“Stefan stopped the meeting just after he left, because he wanted to take Tolya’s mother to a private place to talk to her,” I explain, “Yuuri and I stayed for maybe ten minutes talking with some of the other people who were at the meeting.”

“Who was in the room with you?”

“Ah, The patients Eda, Raya and their visitors.”

“So, you stayed and talked for about ten minutes, then what?”

“We left the conference room and walked to the cafeteria,” I answer.

“Were you anywhere near Tolya’s room?”

“No.”

“Did you see anyone or talk to anyone on your way to the cafeteria?”

“Um, as we were walking, I did see Petya come in from the garden.”

“The garden?”

“Yes, it is in the back of the building, behind some of the patient rooms.”

“Is Tolya’s room one of those that is next to it?”

“Yes,” I answer, “Mine is also.”

“Are there windows or doors that open from those rooms into the gardens?”

“Yes, windows.”

“Okay. Now, you said that you joined Masha, Vasily and Calina in the cafeteria?”

“Yes.”

The officer pauses, examining his notes.

“Masha, about how long before Victor and Yuuri arrived in the cafeteria did you arrive?”

“I think maybe four or five minutes,” she answers.

When she says it, I suddenly recall something that I did notice when first greeting her.

_She seemed a little out of breath. It could just be that she arrived close to the time we did, but four or five minutes should have been enough time for her to catch her breath. Huh…_

“When you finished eating, who left in what order?”

“I left about five minutes before the others,” Masha answers, “I walked down the hall, past Tolya’s room, to mine that’s across the hallway.”

“The rest of us walked out together,” I add, “Vasily and Calina went to his room, which is first on the left in the hallway. Yuuri and I were further down on the right.”

“And Masha, did you go straight to your room?”

“Yes,” she answers, “I went back to my room, but then, maybe ten minutes later, I heard Victor shouting. He was calling out to Yuuri to go and find someone. I ran across the hall and found Victor climbing down off a chair in the middle of Tolya’s room. It looked like he had just let Tolya down from where he was hanging.”

“Victor, Yuuri, tell me about what happened from the time you entered Victor’s room to the time you found Tolya hanging in his room.”

“Yuuri and I walked into the room,” I recount, “and Yuuri spent about six or seven minutes getting his things together. He was getting ready to leave. We were getting ready to say our goodbyes, then I realized that my dog, Maccachin wasn’t with us. I was worried because he doesn’t usually just wander off, so I went into the hallway and I saw him scratching at Tolya’s door. It’s strange, because he knows that Tolya doesn’t like me or him, so I knew something wasn’t right. I walked down, because he wouldn’t come when I called him. He just whimpered and pushed against Tolya’s door. That was when Yuuri and I looked in and saw Tolya hanging from the light fixture.”

“And then, what did you do?”

“I shouted for Yuuri to get help, then I climbed up on a chair that was next to Tolya. I wrapped an arm around his body, so his weight wasn’t on the belt that was around his neck. Then, I loosened the belt and let him slide to the floor. About that moment, Masha ran into the room, and she had me help her to give him breaths and chest comperessions.”

“Were there any signs of life?”

“Not at first, but I think he was breathing when Yuuri returned with Nurse Derdova.”

The officer nods and studies his notes briefly, then he continues.

“I want the three of you to think and tell me if there is anyone among you who has had a confrontation with Tolya recently.”

“We have all had confrontations with him recently,” I sigh, shaking my head, “He disliked Yuuri and me because we…are in a relationship.”

“He disliked me, because I took a knife away from him while he was trying to stab Victor with it.”

“Tolya attacked Victor with a knife?” the officer asks quickly, “When and why did that happen?”

“The day before yesterday,” I tell him, “I was having a meal with Vasily, and Tolya was eating with the patient, Calina. He didn’t like that I was looking in their direction for what he thought was too long, so he hassled me about it. He didn’t like the answer I gave him, so he swung at me, and I avoided the blow and made him fall. He crashed into some tables, then he got up and grabbed a knife and lunged at me. Masha was sitting at a nearby table, and she saw what was happening. Luckily for me, she tackled him and knocked the knife away.”

“Was any action taken by the staff here to intervene?”

“There’s security,” Masha explains, “but the guard wasn’t in the area at the time, and it was over by the time someone could get there. Two staff guys came and took Tolya and me into the offices and questioned us. I was given a warning and Tolya lost some privileges and they noted the incident in his records. If he had continued to cause trouble, he could be thrown out of the program.”

“And what about you, Victor?” the officer asked, “Were you questioned or disciplined?”

“No, because Masha witnessed that Tolya was the aggressor and she told that to the orderlies who came in to handle things.”

“Can any of you tell me if you’ve witnesses Tolya having problems with other patients, besides yourselves?”

He pauses to let us think, and after a few moments, I remember something.

“Yuuri and I did see him pushing the patient, Tomas, up against a wall and calling him a perverted freak,” I tell the officer.

“Tolya was really angry and Tomas looked scared,” Yuuri recalls, “Tolya rushed out of the room and almost knocked me over as he went by. We asked Tomas if he was okay, but he just held his journal against his chest really tightly and he ran by us too.”

I get a little shock as Yuuri reveals something I didn’t know he’d noticed.

“I saw something sticking out of Tomas’s journal,” he tells the officer, “It was just the corner of a picture…a drawing.”

“What was it a drawing of?” Levkin asks.

“I couldn’t see much of it, but it looked like it might be a drawing of a person...or maybe two people, who were either in very short shorts or underwear, or they could have been naked. It was hard to tell.”

_If they were naked, that could make sense of Tolya calling Tomas a freak, especially if the subjects were both the same gender. Tolya would really not like that._

It doesn’t slip past me that if Tomas does draw naked art, especially if it’s of same-gendered partners, it could mean that he could be the one stalking me. But just liking to draw naked pictures wouldn’t make him a criminal. And at this point, we don’t even know that the picture Yuuri saw was of naked people. Still, it leaves me anxious that I have no idea who could be doing this to me. Was it Tolya? He didn’t like me, because I’m pansexual, and he’s been repressing his own sexual identity, whatever that is, for many years. Could Tomas be the one? Could the pictures he draws be an indication of desires he doesn’t dare tell anyone? Is it Petya, who is always watching everyone and keeping mental notes on them? Is it one of the staff members? An orderly? A security guard? A counselor? That would be even more scary.

Officer Levkin finishes his notes, then he looks at me.

“Victor,” he says quietly, “before I came to question you, I had a look at the scene of the incident and I spoke to Nurse Derdova.”

I start to get a really bad feeling as he takes the picture of me out of his pocket and shows it to us.

“This was found on the floor in Tolya’s room. Were you aware of the existence of this picture?”

“Yes.”

_God, I don’t want this. The Russian government already knows my sexual orientation, and I’ve been warned about not broadcasting my relationship with Yuuri. I know how crimes against people like me are treated._

“Someone has been stalking me. They sent me a poem that said they were the one for me, then they sent that picture and the threat on the back.”

“Did you tell the staff about the picture?” he asks.

“No. If you read the back, it threatens me with death if I do. I was trying to get a message to my counselor through Yuuri, but he hadn’t been able to see Stefan alone.”

The officer frowns.

“See him alone? It seems like you could have just met him in his office at any time.”

“I didn’t think it was safe,” I explain, “If the person doing this is a staff member, then…”

“You think a staff member was involved?” Doctor Bershov interjects suddenly, “Why would you think that? Has there been someone on the staff who made you feel uncomfortable? Has someone done something inappropriate. Why didn’t you tell me in our private session? You certainly could have.”

He pauses and a flicker of surprise flashes in his eyes.

“You…were worried that I could be doing this?” he asks.

“No!” I insist, “I wasn’t thinking of anyone in particular. It’s just that I don’t know who could have done it! And because I’m locked up here and can’t leave, whoever it is could…”

“I think the bigger question,” Yuuri interrupts, “is how did the picture end up next to Tolya?”

“I had the picture in my journal,” I explain, “but either it fell out or someone took it within the last two days.”

“Do you think Tolya found it or took it?” Yuuri asks.

“Or it could have been someone else…” I suggest.

“Let me just save you some time,” Masha says, making the rest of us look at her in surprise, “I had the picture.”

“What?” I whisper, “Why? How did you…?”

“Tolya did have it,” she tells me, “but I don’t know if he found it or stole it. I just…”

She stops and considers her words carefully.

“Okay, I found it sticking partway out from under his door today, when I was trying to get him to talk to me about why he was so upset. I picked it up, and he opened the door, and I confronted him about it.”

“So…in your statement to me,” Levkin said, “you lied about your actions?”

“A little,” she confesses, “See, I’m not really a patient here.”

Yuuri’s and my jaws drop.

“Doctor Bershov knows,” she goes on, earning a nod from the psychologist, “Victor’s father hired me. I’m a private bodyguard, here to protect Victor while he’s in rehab.”


	12. In the Depths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor reacts to Masha's shocking admission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually respond to the comments from the previous chapter when I post, but I am having a migraine, so have to catch up tomorrow. Enjoy the chapter! Love, Spunky

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_You know that I’ve built a career on the ability to surprise people, da? Well…I’ve decided that there are some damned surprises that I don’t like. There are some things that, while they are unexpected, and they’ll throw people for a loop, it’s a good loop, like a carnival ride, where you feel like you’ll go off the rails, but even though you might scream, you know that care has been taken, because it’s only a ride, da? It’s not meant to hurt anyone. Right now, with Masha standing in front of me, telling me that she’s been lying to me from the moment we met, all I can feel is goddamned furious! It’s like a carnival ride that took an unexpected turn into the burning pit of hell._ **

**_I’m so angry, and I have to admit that I’m hurt, not just that she would lie to me, but that while lying to me, she could pull the literal shit that she did with me. Looking back at the things she has done, I can’t imagine Yakov ever thinking that this insane woman should be put in charge of her own safety, let alone mine. I get that she’s tough. She took Tolya down, and she did catch me off guard that once and brutalized me a bit…not to injure me, but to warn me there was more to her than met the eye._ **

**_Okay, I get why it’s important for her to keep this secret from the other patients. But, I’m the one being protected, here. Did Yakov really think that I didn’t need to be told she would be here? Did he think I would argue with him? Refuse to go along with this? Do something rebellious to interfere with her doing her job?_ **

**_Ah…_ **

**_Well, okay. I guess it’s not out in left field. I have given Yakov a lot of shit over the years. I haven’t listened to him most of the time, and mostly I haven’t been sorry. If I’m willful, it’s because I know what I want, and I know what I have to do to get it. So, sometimes my rebelliousness has backfired. Usually, it works out. Still, I suppose that when it comes to my safety, he doesn’t want to take the chance that I’ll be uncooperative and end up getting myself killed._ **

**_To think, though, that even though this is supposed to just be rehab and there wasn’t supposed to be any real danger to me, Yakov was watching out for me, the way he has for my whole life. He’s really been a good father…even though he wasn’t able to come out and say he was my father._ **

**_Ugh! I’m still mad at him, though. I’m mad at him and I’m mad at Masha. And I don’t think anything either one of them can say is going to convince me that lying to me and having her masquerade as an addict and tease me like she did at first was a good idea._ **

**_Nope._ **

**_Still, I am grateful that there is going to be someone here who is going to have my back. I know Vasily would watch out for me, but he’s in the middle of withdrawal too. I guess I should calm down and not complain._ **

**_But…that just wouldn’t be me, now would it?_ **

**_Love you,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

It takes a moment for Masha’s words to settle in and make sense. And even when I understand them, I can’t believe them at all. I feel my whole body tense, then I unleash a torrent of Russian curses that no lady should ever hear from a gentleman. And when I’m done swearing at her, I switch to English so Yuuri doesn’t miss the exact reason why I’m letting her have it with everything in me.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I shout at her, “You call the insane game playing you’ve been doing with me, _protecting_ me?”

“Victor,” Yuuri says anxiously, putting his hand on my arm, “are you okay? Maybe you should take some breaths and sit down. You’re…”

“I don’t need to take any breaths to know that this woman is not any kind of protector!” I snap at him.

“Sh-she did knock away the knife that Tolya was trying to use on you,” Yuuri counters.

“Don’t you start trying to defend her!” I yell, “You don’t know what she’s been doing to me. The literal _shit_ she’s been handing me. And when I say shit, I mean actual shit, Yuuri! She assigned me to clean the fucking bathrooms and she rubbed shit all over the walls! She has taunted me and insulted me.”

“I was trying to fit in,” Masha says, looking a little surprised at just how pissed off I am, “It wouldn’t have worked for me to come in and just be your best buddy. It’s safer if we aren’t too close, you know.”

“Not too close?” I spit back at her, “I don’t want you close at all. Why don’t you just get the hell away from me?”

“Yakov is paying me to protect you.”

“I don’t need your goddamned protection!” I shout at her.

“Yes,” she says calmly, “you do. Have you forgotten that you have someone stalking you?”

“Yakov didn’t know that was going to happen, and neither did you,” I say accusingly, “He had no reason to send you, and you don’t need to be here. I’m trying to get fucking clean from my addiction and I don’t need you making fun of me by pretending that you have something wrong with you too! This is not a game, Masha! Addiction isn’t something you pretend. Every day here, I am suffering. My head aches, my stomach hurts, my body screams at me to just give in and take a drink. I have adrenaline so bad that I can barely sleep and I sweat buckets, so I have to change my clothes, sometimes more than once in a night! I am doing all of that, so that I can go home to Yuuri! I don’t want you hanging around staring at the ugliness I have to go through to do that. It’s fucking _private_ and I don’t want _anyone_ to see it!”

“Victor,” Yuuri says, taking hold of my arm, “stop, okay? I know you’re mad at her, but I’m really scared for you. And if you send Masha away, you won’t have any protection at all, while this stalker is harassing you.”

Yuuri gives me a shocked look as I shake his hand off roughly.

“I don’t want you here!” I shout at Masha, “I want you to leave!”

“Victor,” Doctor Bershov says in the calm, but stern voice he uses when he’s about to get very unpleasant, “you need to stop this outburst. We all understand you are angry about being lied to, but you must realize how unwise it would be to send away someone who is protecting you right now. You need to take a few breaths and calm yourself. This is not good for your body while you are still suffering significantly from withdrawal.”

“Fine, I’ll calm down,” I say off-handedly, “but I want her to go.”

“Victor, no!” Yuuri objects.

“Don’t worry, Yuuri,” Masha says quietly, “It doesn’t matter how badly he behaves or how rude he is, Victor is important to Yakov, so I will make sure that he is kept safe, no matter how awful he behaves.”

“You want to talk about awful behavior,” I complain, “What about the shit you put on the walls and made me clean up?”

“Are you ever going to get over that?” Masha argues, “I told you, I had to fit in. If I fell all over myself being nice to you, then it would be easy for people to figure out I’m not an addict.”

“What? Because you think all addicts are insane?” I snap.

“Victor,” Doctor Bershov says warningly, “you’re getting pale.”

Honestly, it doesn’t surprise me to hear him say that. I don’t feel very good anyway, and all of this coming at me at once is a lot to take. But, as he says that, I start to feel kind of weird, a bit weak. I stop yelling at Masha and lean against Yuuri.

“Is he all right?” Masha asks, “He seemed okay a minute ago, when he was yelling at me.”

“The stress is working on his body, exacerbating the symptoms of withdrawal,” Bershov explains, “I think it would be good to get Victor to lie down and rest a bit.”

He glances at the police officer.

“Have you gathered all of the information you need?” he asks.

“For now,” the officer answers, “I’ll look everything over and get back to you. I need to check in at the hospital and find out what the doctors have to say about Tolya’s condition.”

The policeman leaves and Masha gives Doctor Bershov a little nod.

“I guess I’ll be off.”

“Be careful,” Bershov warns her, “We can’t be sure who is pursuing Victor, and while that person is roaming free, Victor is not the only one in danger.”

“Right. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Masha leaves and Doctor Bershov turns his attention to Yuuri.

“You should probably say your goodbyes and I will see that Victor goes to rest.”

“Doctor Bershov,” I say.

_God, I hate sounding desperate, but I don’t want to be alone right now!_

“I wonder if, under the circumstances, you could let Yuuri stay with me for one more night tonight. He is very good at helping me sleep.”

“I’m sorry. That is against the rules of the institution,” he answers firmly.

_At least he didn’t keep me waiting._

_I really hate that man!_

“I understand that you are under stress because of what you and Yuuri witnessed.”

“Don’t you think that since we went through it together, we could comfort each other?” I ask, “I’m not asking for special treatment. I’m just asking you to consider what is best for me. That’s why I’m here, isn’t it? You are supposed to help me through the withdrawal and help me learn strategies to stay sober. You and Stefan constantly tell all of us here that we should use our connections to get support we need. I need Yuuri’s support right now.”

“I think what he’s asking is pretty reasonable,” Yuuri adds, “Victor’s really not doing very well. If I leave him right now, I’m not going to be able to sleep and neither will he. Maybe you could consider…”

“My deepest apologies, Yuuri,” Bershov says in what sounds like a sincere tone, “but if Victor is to reach the point where he is able to remain sober, there are certain steps he needs to take to get there. I think you both need to step back and let each other be strong. Don’t you worry, I will make sure that Victor sleeps comfortably tonight. Because of the situation with Tolya and the pressure it is putting on Victor, I think it’s good for him to have a sedative to help him sleep.”

“I don’t want a sedative!” I exclaim, being careful not to shout at him, both because Bershov really hates us doing that, and because my head is starting to ache very badly, “If I just have some more time with Yuuri, I won’t need one. I’ll be okay. I just…”

“I think I made the policy on that clear,” Bershov says, not unkindly, “I will give you a moment.”

He turns his attention back to Yuuri, who is still looking spooked.

“I will give Victor the sedative as soon as he and I have had a chance to talk a bit. I promise you that he will sleep well tonight. Now, if you will say your farewells.”

Given no choice, I put my arms around Yuuri and kiss him tenderly.

“I’ll see you next weekend,” I remind him, trying to smile encouragingly, “It will be fine. I will be okay, I promise.”

“No trying to undermine Masha, okay?” he scolds me gently, “I know you’re still mad at her, but, Victor, you need her looking out for you.”

“All right,” I tell him, “I won’t cause her any trouble.”

“Yeah, right,” he sighs, tearing up, “I know you…”

“I’ll be good,” I promise, giving him one of my charming winks, “I love you, Yuuri.”

“Love you too.”

I feel like the energy just drains out of my body a little more with every step he takes away from me. I manage to hang on to my smile until the door closes behind him, then I’m the one who’s tearing up.

“Victor?”

“Doctor Bershov, I feel very sick. Could we please not do this now?” I ask, putting a hand on my forehead, “It hurts my head when I try to talk.”

“I understand you’re uncomfortable,” he says soothingly, “Why don’t you sit down for a moment, and I’ll bring you some tea?”

“I don’t want tea. I just want to go and rest.”

“You will,” he says, looking into my eyes, “but first, we need to talk just a little. I have to say, I haven’t seen you this emotive before, Victor. I know it’s uncomfortable for you, but it also gives us a chance to make a step forward with your treatment.”

I tune out a little as he talks, and I’m not sure how, but I end up drinking the tea he brings, then I lie down on the sofa. I barely understand the questions he’s asking. He tells me it’s okay, that the shock of what happened is just catching up with me. I’m just so tired, I answer the best I can, then close my eyes to try to sleep. At some point, I feel someone is helping me get up. At first, I think it’s Doctor Bershov, but then I see it’s Nurse Ivken. He smiles and talks to me as he helps me back to my room, but my mind is so muddled, I just hang on to him as he helps me into bed.

There’s this really strange moment where I look up at him, and his face distorts. It looks like Ivken, then like Bershov, then like some hideous monster.

“Goodnight, Victor,” Ivken says, heading for the door, “I’ll lock the door on the way out.”

I look at the clock, but my vision is screwed up, so I just see a blur.

_Did I hear a click when he walked out?_

I look around for Maccachin, but he doesn’t seem to be in the room. Worried, I get up, onto shaky legs and I look around. I hear a whimper, and I see that the bathroom door is closed. I take a step towards the door, and I hear Macca start to bark.

“Shh,” I warn him, “Be quiet, Macca. You’ll get us is t-trouble.”

I take another step, but the room seems to rock, and a moment later, I’m lying on my belly, on the floor. I can see Maccachin’s paws through the opening at the bottom of the bathroom door. He’s scratching and barking more urgently.

“Ugh!”

I try crawling, but it seems like it takes forever to move just a little. Macca whimpers, scratches and barks again.

“Macca, s-stop!”

I try to crawl some more, but I feel too fatigued. I just close my eyes for a moment, then everything just kind of fades out.

When I wake up next, I panic for a moment, thinking that Macca has been locked in the bathroom all night. But when I open my eyes, I see I’m hugging him against me after all.

_That’s so strange._

I sit up and I feel perfectly normal. I look around and find a note from Doctor Bershov on my nightstand.

_Victor,_

_I feel like we made good progress last night. It was good to see you able to open up and get your emotions out. I know you were tired, but the progress you made was well worth the effort. I hope that the sedative helped you sleep. If you feel poorly today, I’ve instructed Nurse Derdova to give you another sedative to keep you calm. Rest well, and I will see you soon._

_Dr. Bershov_

I end up feeling really stupid, because I don’t recall a thing that we talked about. But if it makes him happy and it gets him off my back for awhile, I can live with that. I find another message from Stefan, telling me I’m excused from activities today, and that he’ll be by later.

“No meetings,” I say, smiling at Maccachin, who nuzzles me and licks my face, “Want to go for a walk?”

We take the path that Yuuri and I walked when he was visiting, and I try not to feel lonely, walking there without him. The air is really cold, but I’m kind of glad, because it wakes me up all of the way. I’m feeling much better as we reach the pond that’s at the end. I stand at the edge of the water, breathing in the cold air and remembering what it was like to be here with Yuuri beside me. I close my eyes and I can almost feel him there with me…until I hear Masha’s voice intrude.

“Victor?”

“Get away from me, please?” I sigh, “I just want to be alone, okay?”

“Fine,” she says calmly, “I really just came to say that I…”

It takes a very long moment for me to realize…she stopped speaking because there is a body at the bottom of the pond.


	13. If I Was Ever Without You Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor faces his worst nightmare as he and Masha find something shocking in the recovery center pond.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I don’t know if I should ever show you this entry, because you’re pretty sensitive, and I know you can’t stand seeing me in pain. But it’s important for you to know just how much you’ve changed, not just my life, but how you have changed me. Before meeting you, I lived at the surface of things, always distracting myself away from deeper issues, deeper thoughts, deeper feelings. I couldn’t handle more than that, so when my sometime father, Modya, almost killed me, I forgot my childhood and buried myself in my skating. When relationships got hard, I focused harder on skating and just let them go. When I couldn’t take the loneliness and stress, I drank. I always, always escaped from the deeper, scarier things instead of dealing with them. The truth is, I was never strong. People around me thought that I was. I even thought I was being strong by letting go of the heavy things._ **

**_I wasn’t._ **

**_I was just running away._ **

**_Today, I stood on the bank of a partially frozen pond. I looked down into the water, that was so oddly clear, and I saw something that made my heart stop. And while I was staring into the water for one bitter, frozen moment, I knew I wasn’t strong at all…and that if my eyes were seeing you for the last time, my own life would be over too. The truth isn’t just that I’m weak for you. The truth is that I am weak._ **

**_And I would be lost without you._ **

**_Love you,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

I remember from the few times in my life that were the most frightening, that in very dangerous moments, time slows down. Like when I was on that plane that landed roughly on a Japanese airstrip and broke apart. Yes, time slows down when something bad begins to happen. And when it does, the agony of those moments is extreme. I understand that it’s in those moments that some people find their strength. I do learn on the edge of that half frozen pond at the recovery center that I love you with a ferocity that borders on madness.

And when I recognize the blue scarf I see billowing in the dark water, I lose track of everything except trying to get to you.

I scream your name, and I swear that it takes all of the breath out of my body, and it takes every last bit of strength in my limbs. My mind flashes back to the moment I first saw that scarf, wrapped around the slender throat of a department store mannequin as we walked back to our hotel after the Grand Prix Finals. You saw it first, and your feet stopped. I followed the path of your eyes and found myself captivated too.

_“Wow! Victor, that scarf, it’s so beautiful! I’ve never seen one like it. Geez, I’ll bet it costs a fortune.”_

_“Come on. Let’s try it on you.”_

_“Victor, it probably costs too much!”_

_“Of course it does, but it would look great on you. Come on. Let’s just try it on and look at it on you.”_

_“But…”_

_“Come on, Yuuri!”_

Of course, it looked perfect on you.

We stood, staring into the mirror, with it wrapped around your throat and shoulders, and the end of it curled around my shoulders, almost like it was drawing me in and holding me against you.

_“It’s so soft. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything so soft like this.”_

_“I was right that it would look beautiful on you. You take my breath away, Yuuri!”_

_“Stop it. You’d say that whether I was wearing this or not!”_

I recall how I leaned over and the very soft fabric tickled my face as I whispered into your ear.

_“Let’s go back to our room, Yuuri. I want to see you wrapped in this…wrapped only in this and nothing else!”_

_“Victor, don’t say things like that! Soneone might hear you.”_

_“I don’t care. Let them hear me. My Yuuri is coming to live with me in Saint Petersburg, and we’re going to live happily ever after. Who could keep a wonderful, beautiful thing like that secret, solnyshko?”_

_“I didn’t say you had to keep it a secret. I just said that you shouldn’t say it me like that, right here. It’s embarrassing!”_

_“What’s embarrassing? You’re embarrassed if I say to the world how much I love you?”_

If you were embarrassed when I whispered it in your ear, then you must have been mortified as I proceeded to tell everyone around us that you are the love of my life and we were moving to Saint Petersburg to live together.

_“Put it on my card.”_

_“Victor, I can’t let you do that. This is way too expensive. I’d be afraid to wear it. I might leave it somewhere or…Victor!”_

_“Shh, if you don’t stop fussing, I will tell all of these people exactly what we are doing with this when we get back to the hotel!”_

_“No, please don’t!”_

I did get to see you, naked and with that so soft, blue fabric wrapped around you. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life, and when I saw you that way, I fell in love with you so hard, all over again. And I knew then, that I was so lucky. I was grateful for the evil little triplets who uploaded that video of you performing my free skate. I never realized how sometimes the most important things that happen to change your life, happen suddenly, and in the strangest ways.

I get scared sometimes, and my heart shudders when I wonder what would have happened if those cute, wicked little girls hadn’t shot that video, if they hadn’t uploaded it to the Internet, if Georgi hadn’t messaged me to tell me to watch it. So many little, seemingly insignificant things lined up to put you in my path, and I realize as I’m looking at the lovely blue scarf, billowing in the water around an unmoving body in the depths of the recovery center’s pond…that…I…can’t…live…without…you.

I feel my feet start to move and I have only one thought as I move forward, preparing to throw myself into that icy water.

_It’s so cold and he can’t breathe down there!_

I hear the water splash around my feet, but I don’t feel the cold of it. I don’t feel anything at all except that I have to get to you now. I take another splashing step, but as I start to throw myself into the water, something hits me really hard in the stomach and it makes me scream again and crash down onto my knees in the shallow water. I try to breathe, but the wind is knocked out of me. As I struggle to catch my breath, Masha’s angry voice hisses in my ear.

“It could be a trap. You stay here and don’t move!”

“Y-you bitch! Y-you h-hit me!” I pant, choking on the words.

But she’s not listening. She’s doing what a good bodyguard does, putting herself in harm’s way to protect me. Her body hits that icy water and plunges down, beneath the surface. While she’s kicking her legs and forcing her body down, further and further beneath the surface, I crawl backwards on my hands and knees, because even if she hadn’t knocked the wind out of me, I’ve never been scared so badly in all of my life. I think my heart is going to burst out of my chest and hot tears slide down my face as Masha stops beside the body and looks all around it, first.

“G-get him out!” I pant, still gasping for breaths.

She seems to make a decision, and wraps a hand around the slim wrist. But, I notice something odd. The body seems too stiff. I mean, it’s cold down there, and we don’t know how long the person had been…

My thoughts all disappear as Masha’s body breaks the surface of the pond and she struggles to drag the body along with her to the edge. I crawl forward and help her drag it a little, then I realize that the body isn’t real.

“It’s…n-not real,” Masha pants, “J-just a mannequin.”

I pick up a length of the scarf, and I realize that it isn’t the soft, perfect one that I’d thought it was. It’s similar, though, so it seems that someone wanted me to see this. Someone wanted to scare ten years off of my life and make me think for one dreadful moment, that I’d lost my Yuuri forever. Some horrible monster…

I hear Masha coughing, and I can see her skin looks blue, and that she’s shivering and can barely move. I pull her out of the water, and she doesn’t have the strength left to object. She just leans against me, panting and shaking all over while I pull off her wet clothing and wrap my coat around her.

“Y-you’ll f-f-freeze!” she manages through chattering teeth.

“Shut up,” I chide her, holding her against me to warm her up, “You’re the one who’s freezing, not me.”

I hear Maccachin barking, and I realize that when we started to react, he must have gone for help. Two orderlies follow him, and when they see Masha and me huddled at the edge of the pond, and the mannequin in the shallows, they skid to a stop and stare for a moment, then they move to us quickly and help us back inside, where security is notified and sent to investigate the scene. Masha is rushed off to the infirmary, but the orderly assisting me just escorts me to my room and tells me to warm up while he stands guard. I start to do what he says, but I’m so worried now about Masha and about Yuuri.

_After all, just because it was a fake in the water, doesn’t mean that whoever this is didn’t do something to Yuuri. I need to know if he’s all right._

“I need to see Stefan, please,” I tell the orderly.

“You _need_ to warm up so that you don’t get sick. You’re freezing from being out there without your coat.”

“You don’t need to worry about me!” I snap, “I just took my coat off to warm Masha. I’m fine! I just need to see Stefan.”

“Warm up, first,” the orderly insists, “You’re not going anywhere until you do that.”

“Goddamn it! Get out of my way!” I shout at him.

I manage to slip past him as he tries to stop me, and in a second, I’m in the hallway and hurrying down the hall with the orderly shouting at me and hurrying after. Petya peeks out into the hallway as we run by, and I feel his eyes watching closely while we pass. I manage to get to the offices, and I call out for Stefan as the orderly’s big hand wraps around my wrist.

“Let go of me! Don’t put your hands on me!” I scream at him, “Someone just threatened Yuuri, and I need to make sure he’s all right. Let me go!”

Someone steps out from one of the offices.

“Stefan!” I call out as the orderly gets an arm around my waist and holds me against him.

But it’s not Stefan. It’s Doctor Bershov, and he doesn’t look happy at all to see me fighting with the orderly and starting to swear at him.

“What happened? Why is he like this?” Bershov demands.

“I’m not sure,” the orderly manages to get out as I twist my body, trying to free myself.

“It was a threat against Yuuri!” I exclaim, “I have to know if he got home okay. You have to let me call him!”

“Victor,” Bershov says sternly, “you need to calm down. I need to hear what happened before I take any action. Can you calm down, or do I have to sedate you?”

“J-just let me call Yuuri!” I shout at them, “I have to know if he is all right! Th-they put a scarf like his on a mannequin and sank it in the pond. W-we thought it was…”

“What?” Bershov asks, frowning as he tries to understand my desperate ramblings.

“Tell him to let me go!” I yell, still struggling.

Bershov moves closer, and a moment later, I feel something sting my arm.

“Y-you bastard!” I hiss at him.

“Hold him for a minute, while it takes effect,” Bershov says calmly.

_How can he be like that…so damned calm when…_

It’s only a few moments when I start to feel weak and my body loses it’s fight. Bershov moves in even closer as the medication takes over and I’m so dizzy that the orderly is the only thing keeping me on my feet.

“Bring him into my office.”

I can’t feel a thing anymore, but the cruel part is that, even though I feel so dizzy and I can’t fight them anymore, I am still tormented with needing to know Yuuri’s okay.

“Do you know what exactly happened?” Bershov asks the orderly, “He said something about a scarf and a mannequin?”

“I’m not sure,” the orderly answers, his voice distorting as it sounds in my ears, “We found Masha and him by the pond. The girl had been in the water…”

“In the water? But it’s freezing out there!” Bershov’s garbled voice exclaims.

“I think that they thought it was a real person. The water’s kind of dark there, so it would’ve been hard to tell it was a fake. The girl jumped in to pull out what they thought was a person.”

“How dreadful. Why don’t you go and check on Masha now. I’ll take care of Victor.”

“Y-yuu-ri!” I croak, and it takes all of my energy just to get that out.

I try to sit up, but my body is too heavy and I keep falling back as Bershov watches with an expression that actually looks sympathetic.

“So,” he says softly, “you seem to have thought that the thing in the water was Yuuri Katsuki? How very upsetting that must have been. Well, give me a moment, and I will make sure he got home safely. Lie still.”

He walks out for a minute, then comes back with Nurse Ivken.

“Will you wait here for a moment, while I go and talk to Stefan?”

He leaves the room, and Nurse Ivken comes and sits down next to the couch. He gives me a sympathetic look and squeezes my hand.

“Are you troubling Doctor Bershov again?” he asks.

My ears ring so loudly and his voice is so garbled I can barely understand, and I can’t really answer.

“It’s okay. I’d be worried too, finding that thing in the pond and thinking it was real.”

My mind takes a weird turn and for a moment, I see the pond again, and that body wearing the blue scarf. In my head, it’s Yuuri. This time, there’s no one there with me, just that body in the water that was once my whole life.

“Victor, try to take it easy. Stop fighting the sedative.”

“Y-yuuri!”

“He’s fine. I’m sure he’s fine. Calm down, now. Your heart is really racing, and it shouldn’t be.”

“I j-just need to hear his voice, please!”

Doctor Bershov returns and sits down next to me too.

“Stefan just spoke to Yuuri,” he tells me, “Yuuri is fine. He is at home, and we warned him to take precautions. He told Stefan there are two bodyguards with him.”

“Maret? Sava?”

“Yes, he is fine, and he is safe. Try to calm yourself, now. It’s not good for you to fight the medication so hard like this.”

I try to take his words to heart, but when I close my eyes, I keep seeing that thing in the water. And in my nightmares, it has wide open brown eyes. I try to scream, but I can’t make a sound. It’s terrifying, and because I’m drugged, I can’t wake up. It seems to go on forever until I’ve exhausted myself, and I finally fall into a dreamless sleep.

I can’t tell if it’s real or if it’s just my drugged and paranoid mind when I hear a male voice so garbled I can’t recognize it.

“ _Do you understand now? I can kill him. Don’t forget that. You think about that awhile. Let it work on you. Let it drive you insane. It’s okay. Even when you’re insane, I’ll be here for you, Victor. I’ll be right here._ ”


	14. Strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shocking discovery is made about one of the patients at the recovery center. Has Victor's stalker been unmasked?

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I’m starting to think that I am actually making some progress. I’ve been worried with everything that’s happening, that I wouldn’t be able to focus on the reason I actually came to rehab. I came here to end my reliance on alcohol, and as my body adjusts to an environment where alcohol is not present for me to use as a panacea, I understand that I do have strength that I’ve never drawn on before that can get me through the things that are difficult. Some of that strength is inside me, and some is in the people I choose to have around me. I grew up around other skater brats, and there was a culture of drinking and girl (or boy) chasing that just sort of went along with that. When things were good, we drank to celebrate, and when things were bad, we drank to numb ourselves to it. I never realized back then that we were doing something dangerous, that while we took care of our bodies and health carefully, so that we could compete, this one thing was slowly destroying us._ **

**_Now, there is no alcohol, and that means when something stressful happens, I have to find other methods to deal with it. I’m learning a lot about those strategies from the former alcoholics here, who now work to help other alcoholics have the same success in leaving their addictions behind. As scary as it was coming here and leaving you behind, I know that when I come home to you, I will be the husband you need, the husband you deserve._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

The next morning arrives well before I am ready, with my alarm clock going off, then Maccachin greeting me by licking my face and whining to tell me he’s hungry. I start to get up, but my head aches and I feel dryness in my throat and nasal passages.

“Ugh, sorry, Macca. Give me a moment,” I manage, putting my fingers on my temples and rubbing gently, “I suppose it’s because of the sedative.”

I get up more slowly and take a pain reliever for my headache, then I give Maccachin his breakfast and return to my bed to write a little in my journal. I’m glad that I’ll be meeting with Stefan this morning. We haven’t been able to meet because of everything that’s been happening. I wonder if Yuuri has gotten a message to him yet about what’s going on.

_I hope Yuuri is all right. I know Doctor Bershov told me that he is fine, that he is with his bodyguards, and Doctor Bershov only ever tries to help me._

I stop for a moment as I think that. I feel a little quiver inside, and for just a moment, I feel very sick to my stomach with something that feels like intense fear. I feel something that I would say seems like memory, but I don’t remember it really happening.

_I have only ever tried to help you, but you know how the story goes, don’t you, Victor? Some people need more intense treatment. Sometimes the abuse of the body over time begins to wear on the mind._

_Do you feel it, Victor?_

I know it’s Doctor Bershov’s voice, but he never said that to me. It’s no secret I don’t like the man very much, so why did I think something I know I don’t believe?

_Maybe it’s because of all that happened yesterday?_

I leave my room and take Macca for a walk around the gardens. I stay away from the pond this time, opting instead to stay closer to the buildings. But there is a slightly wooded area that we pass through. Maccachin slows and nudges my leg. I look down at him, and when I look up again, Petya is standing in front of me. He’s bundled up in warm clothing and carrying his notebook, like he always does.

“Good morning, Victor,” he greets me, pushing up his glasses, “Are you feeling better today?”

“A bit,” I answer, “Thank you for asking. But, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” he answers, his dark eyes fixing on mine, “What is it?”

“Can I ask how long you have been a patient here?” I inquire.

Petya smiles.

“I’ve been here for two months this time,” he says, chuckling, “Repeat offender.”

“I see. And can you tell me, have there been incidents like yesterday, you know, people doing things to unnerve other patients?”

His eyes blink slowly.

“You mean, like the mannequin in the pond?” he asks, looking around, then looking back at me, “Not really, but then, we’ve never had someone like you here, have we?”

“I suppose not,” I sigh, rubbing my temples as my head begins to ache again, “So, you’ve been here before. I notice that you also watch everyone pretty closely. Is there anyone who you think is possibly involved in what happened at the pond?”

I get a very unsettled feeling as Petya tilts his head slightly and gives me a strange little smile.

“I think there are more than a few people acting suspiciously right now, aren’t there?” he answers cryptically, glancing down at his journal, “But do you maybe think you’re asking the wrong question, Victor?”

“How do you mean?” I ask, frowning as the throbbing in my head grows stronger.

“You like to dance, right?” he asks.

_God, this guy is so strange._

“Right now, everyone here is dancing,” he says more softly, “All of the pieces are whirling around and bumping into each other.”

“What?”

_He’s not making sense. Maybe in addition to addiction counseling, this guy needs some mental help._

He looks deeply into my eyes, and for a moment, the headache and everything else disappears.

“The question to ask isn’t about the dancers, Victor,” he tells me, “You need to ask where all of the strings are gathered.”

“What does that mean?”

Petya’s smile never wavers.

“Sorry, I have to go,” he says, tapping his journal lightly with his fingertips, “Meeting.”

“Right. See you later, then.”

Petya and I haven’t talked much since I arrived here…and maybe that’s a good thing.

I shake my head, watching as he heads back towards the main building, then Maccachin and I walk back to my room, where I leave him to rest while I go to breakfast. It’s still early, so Vasily isn’t there yet, but Tomas is sitting alone, bent over his journal and very focused. I recall Yuuri’s comments from before, and I consider going to talk to him, but a moment later, Vasily arrives.

“Where is Calina?” I ask him, “You two have been spending a lot of time together.”

“Yeah,” he laughs, coloring slightly, “I guess we have. But she’s in a class right now. I was hoping to spend some time with you, working on my music plans. Do you have time?”

“I have a bit of time,” I tell him, “I’m meeting with Stefan in an hour.”

We get to talking about his music and the planned videos, which makes time go quickly. Before I know it, it’s time to meet with Stefan. I walk to his office, passing Nurse Ivken in the hallway. He usually smiles a lot, but he looks not so good this morning, There are dark circles around his eyes and he barely acknowledges me.

“Victor,” Stefan says as I enter his office, “it’s good to finally talk to you.”

“It’s good to talk to you also,” I answer, sitting down on one side of his desk, while he sits on the other, “Have you been in touch with Yuuri?”

“I have,” he confirms, “I spoke to Yuuri yesterday, and he said to pass on to you that he’s still planning to call you today at the time you set.”

“Oh, good.”

Stefan’s smile fades as he gets down to business.

“How are you doing, after the excitement yesterday? Doctor Bershov said that you were very distressed, as I can imagine you would be, after seeing something like that. Let me assure you that after the recent events, security has been increased, and we are carefully studying everything we can related to Tolya’s situation and also the incident at the pond.”

“How is Tolya?” I ask, “How is his mother holding up?”

Stefan sighs.

“Tolya is still unconscious and in guarded condition. His mother is beside herself, but she wanted me to pass on to you that she is grateful to you and Masha for getting him down quickly and providing CPR.”

“We just did what anyone would do,” I answer, shaking my head, “I’m glad that Tolya is still alive.”

“We are still working on the evidence collected from his room, especially the photo of you. We’re still not able to determine who might have taken it. Doctor Bershov questioned Nurse Ivken, who was on duty that night, but he didn’t seem to have seen anything. Whoever is doing these things is someone who has a familiarity with the facility and the people here.”

For a moment, I flash back to my conversation with Petya.

_Repeat offender._

“Are you all right, Victor?” Stefan asks.

“As well as can be expected,” I answer, “I’m sorry. I’m not feeling well today.”

“There’s a lot of that going around,” he says, “Masha missed her meeting with me this morning, because she was checked into the infirmary.”

“What?”

“She contracted a high fever after her dip in the freezing pond. She’s going to be fine, but they’re keeping her in the infirmary just to be sure.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Victor,” Stefan says more quietly, “I want you to be extremely careful while she’s not able to watch over you. Keep Maccachin with you and try to keep to the common areas. I’m looking into what Yuuri passed on to me, but there’s a lot to sort out.”

“You might try asking Petya,” I laugh, “if you think you can puzzle out a thing he says to you.”

“He is a character,” Stefan agrees.

“I tried asking him a few questions, but he just gave me a word puzzle as an answer, then he ran off to a meeting.”

“Hmm, it sounds like him.”

Stefan starts to go on, but he’s interrupted by the sound of loud voices in the hallway, outside the door.

“I didn’t do anything!” Tomas’s voice shouts, amidst a number of thumping sounds.

“Take him to a holding room, please,” Doctor Bershov’s voice says.

A moment later, there’s a tap on the door.

“Stefan?” Bershov says, poking his nose into the room, I am sorry to interrupt, but we’ve found something that might relate to all of the incidences around here. If you don’t mind, can you and Victor join me in my office?”

Stefan glances at me, and I give him a nod.

We follow Bershov down the hall as Tomas continues to yell at the orderlies who are restraining him.

“No, stop! I didn’t do anything, I swear! Th-they’re just…”

His voice fades out, and we continue into Bershov’s office, where we sit down at his desk.

“What’s going on?” Stefan asks.

Bershov gives me a look of warning.

“These images are disturbing. I just want to warn you,” he tells us.

He opens the journal he was carrying and sets it on the desk. My breath seems to freeze very painfully in my chest as I see the starkly beautiful naked drawings all over the pages.

“This is Tomas’s?” Stefan asks in a shocked voice, “I mean, obviously it is, but…I had no idea...”

I can’t make a sound, I feel so sick. My eyes are riveted to the naked drawings of me, of Vasily, of Tolya, of Petya, Stefan, and even Doctor Bershov. On impulse, I turn the page and I gasp as I see a picture of Yuuri and me having sex in my room. There is also a drawn copy of the picture I had been sent.

“I think we know who is responsible for stalking you, Victor,” Bershov tells me, “These images tell the story of a dangerously disturbed individual.”

I still can’t speak. My eyes are drawn to a drawing of Tolya pleasuring himself in the shower, one of Vasily and me having sex under the trees outside. There is one of Doctor Bershov hugging a smiling young man from behind and about to bite him with a bright set of vampire fangs.

“He seems focused on men,” Bershov tells me, “I knew he was attracted to men, but the journal he showed me in our sessions wasn’t this one. I had no idea he was doing this.”

“This must have been what Tolya saw that made him so angry,” I manage finally.

“It matches what information Yuuri gave us about the bit of a picture he saw when those two were arguing,” Bershov says, shaking his head.

He moves closer to me and places a hand on my shoulder. I don’t know why, but I feel a strange shiver inside at his touch. Maybe it’s what I’ve just been seeing.

“Victor,” Doctor Bershov says, looking down into my eyes, “I hope you know that you are safe now.”

I feel a strange pain in my head and all of a sudden, I see a flash image of him putting a hand on my face and saying those words as he strokes my cheek.

“Victor?” Stefan says worriedly, “Are you all right?”

“I…”

“He’s…obviously upset about this,” Bershov says, closing the journal, “Victor, if you’re finished speaking to Stefan for now, we could have a session…to calm your anxieties.”

“Ah, I was planning to go and see Masha.”

It’s not a lie. I was planning to go, but there is nothing all right about the way I feel inside.

He starts to say more, but at that moment, Nurse Ivken bursts in, panting for breath and holding a hand to one bruised cheek.

“What happened?” Stefan exclaims, coming to his feet.

“It was Tomas,” Ivken explains quickly, “We had him restrained, but somehow he slipped out and got away.”

“No one was able to stop him?” Bershov asks.

“No, he crashed into me and took off. We’ve…looked everywhere! I mean, it’s not like this place is a prison or anything. It’s possible to leave without being seen.”

“We need to find him immediately,” Bershov insists, “Stefan, we should see to that. Victor, please check the schedule and try to come in to see me tomorrow.”

The two counselors leave and Nurse Ivken looks at me questioningly.

“Are you all right, Victor?” he asks, “You look very pale.”

“I don’t think I look as bad as you do right now,” I chuckle, earning a little laugh of agreement from him, “I’m going to the infirmary to see Masha. You should come and at least be looked at.”

“Oh, this is nothing,” he assures me, “I’ll be fine. You should go on now.”

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“Go on,” he says again.

I start to get up, but my hand catches a file and knocks that a several others off of the desk.

“Shit!”

I bend and start picking them up, only to have the nurse take them quickly from my hand.

“I’m sorry, Victor,” he apologizes, “but those are personal files. I’m surprised that Doctor Bershov wasn’t more careful of them.”

He turns and places them back on the table, and I catch a glimpse of a picture of Doctor Bershov and a much younger man, more like my age, smiling and hugging.

_Is that his son?_

“Victor?”

“Oh, sorry,” I apologize, shaking my head and turning away.

_Who is that young man?_

_And why?_

_Why is my heart racing like it’s about to jump out of my chest?_

I am almost to the infirmary when I realize that the young man about to be bitten by Doctor Bershov in Tomas’s picture, and the one in the photograph are the same.

_That guy is a real person?_

_Who is he?_

_And why do I feel like I should remember him?_


	15. Shape in the Mist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys! This chapter somehow got deleted by accident while I was flailing around trying to post while really sick with flu, so I'm just reposting it. ;)

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I’ve been doing some thinking about Doctor Bershov, and I wonder now if I have misjudged him. I’m still not ready to say I like the man, but I have begun to see him differently than I did before. I still think he is pushy, but I suppose when you work with broken people like the lot of us here, you have to be a little pushy. Sometimes, as a person with an addiction, I don’t want to see how my mistrust and my reluctance to open up are hampering my progress here. I still don’t look forward to our sessions. I always feel strange while we talk, and sometimes I lose track of things and end up back in my room afterward, without remembering walking back there. He says that it’s because of the hypnosis that I agreed to try. I am so confused, because I don’t actually recall giving my permission. I saw my writing on the form, though, so…well, you know how forgetful I can be._ **

**_Doctor Bershov asked me to write another word poem, this time to describe my feelings about the stalker they have caught._ **

**_ Stalker _ **

**_Silent and stealthy_ **

**_Tracing the lines of my body while I don’t see._ **

**_Abstract touches on my skin_ **

**_Love twisted into perversion_ **

**_Kisses stolen on paper_ **

**_Eros corrupted_ **

**_Run from reality, even when you kill._ **

**_…again, it’s not great poetry, but I kind of like it._ **

**_Take care, Yuuri._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

As I go to see Masha, I can’t escape the nagging feeling that I know the man who was in the picture in Bershov’s office. His face hangs in my mind, and I have the strangest echo of Bershov’s voice in my mind. But his words are so weird! It’s like he’s talking to me instead of that man. I just can’t make sense of it, so I put it out of my head as much as I can as I reach the infirmary and find Masha sitting up in bed, her eyes and nose looking puffy and flushed. I give her a bright smile.

“Well, how is my favorite shit spreader?” I ask cheerfully.

She glares at me and blows her nose loudly.

“I have goddamned pneumonia because I jumped into icy water to retrieve a stupid statue, so that my idiot protected one wouldn’t,” she grumbles, “Do you know just how dumb you are?”

I give her a little shrug and don’t even lose my smile.

“If I’m so dumb, then why are _you_ the one lying in here, coughing and sneezing so much?” I tease her.

“Get the hell out of my room!” she snaps irritably, “You promised to do my work while I’m here, remember?”

“I do,” I assure her, “And you know, with Vasily and Calina helping out, it was done in a flash.”

“So, you didn’t really help much at all,” she complains.

“Why is that a problem?” I ask, tilting my head and looking amused.

“Well, if you’re going to pretend you’re helping me or something, you should really be doing the work.”

“Come on, now, don’t be in a bad mood. I came all of the way to see you and say thank you.”

“Thanks for what?” she sighs, “I didn’t really do anything. I didn’t rescue anyone, and the only one I protected you from, was your own bad judgment. If I hadn’t jumped in the water, you would have, and you probably would have died of the pneumonia.”

“Maybe,” I chuckle, “But you know, you really don’t need to worry so much about me anymore.”

She gives me a look that is part mad and part confused.

“What are you babbling about?” she asks, scowling.

“Oh, you didn’t hear that they caught the person stalking me?” I ask her.

“No,” she says, blowing her nose loudly again and sitting up taller in the bed, “They caught someone? Who did they catch?”

“You _don’t_ know!” I say excitedly, “It was Tomas!”

“What?” she says, screwing up her face and shaking her head, “Tomas? How do they figure?”

“Well, you know that Yuuri caught sight of a bit of one of the nasty pictures he was drawing.”

“I already knew he drew nudie pictures,” she admits, “but that doesn’t make him a stalker. They must have found something that made them think it had to be him. What did they find?”

My eyes get wide as I tell her.

“He had a drawn copy of the picture the stalker gave me, and he had a drawn picture of Yuuri and me in bed together, among other things.”

“Like I said, I already knew he was a pervert,” Masha repeats, “but just because the man draws nasty pictures, it doesn’t make him your stalker.”

“What are you talking about?” I complain, “If he’s hanging around my window to draw the picture of Yuuri and me fucking, and he has a drawn picture of the one the stalker took…”

“It just means that he is a pervert!” Masha snaps again, “Victor, did you look up close at the drawn pictures?”

“What?”

“Did you look at them closely?” she asks me, “The finer details, like, are the details of your bedroom there, or is he just imagining your bedroom?”

I blink in surprise at that. And thinking back, I’m not sure.

“And just because he copied the picture of you, naked and tied up, doesn’t mean he took it. The truth is, I was aware that he had the picture, and I knew that Tolya learned he had it. What neither of us was able to learn was where he got it. Victor, the picture was a selfie, probably taken on a cell phone. None of us are allowed to have our cell phones, and even our guests don’t bring cell phones in here. Assuming it is a cell phone that the picture was taken on, then that means that the stalker is one of the staff, or is at least someone cooperating with a staff member. Although, it could be a patient who has finagled their way into sensitive areas, where our phones are being kept.”

She stops and looks more closely at my face.

“Victor, what is wrong with you?” she asks urgently, “Are you listening to me at all? I’m telling you not to let your guard down!”

“Oh, stop being so worried,” I laugh, “It’s going to be fine now. Tomas may have gotten away, but…”

“Gotten away? Are you sure?”

I shrug.

“That’s what Nurse Ivken reported,” I explain, “They went looking for Tomas, but I overheard on my way here that they weren’t able to find him. They assume he left the rehab center. It’s not a jail, after all.”

“Stupid!” she snaps accusingly, “Victor, you need to listen to me, and you need to be careful. Obviously, there is someone who wants all of us to believe that Tomas is the stalker. First, they made it look like it could be Tolya, and now they are aiming at Tomas!”

“You make it sound like a very complicated scheme.”

“That is what it _is_ , you idiot!” she shouts at me, “Don’t you understand anything?”

“Why are you getting so upset?” I ask.

Oddly, for just a moment, I recall being in Bershov’s office and struggling against something holding me down. I remember hearing Bershov’s soothing voice speaking to me.

“ _Pochemu ty tak rasstroyen, Oska?_ ” (Why are you so upset, Oska?)

I feel a hard shiver, and it’s like I hear my own voice in my head, answering him.

“ _Pozhaluysta, eto nichego_!”

I don’t remember it happening in any of our sessions.

_Oska?_

_Is that the name of that man I saw in the picture and in Tomas’s drawing?_

“Victor, are you hearing me at all?” she yells at me.

The effort makes her start coughing uncontrollably.

“Am I hearing you?” I repeat, patting her back gently and offering her a glass of water, “Of course I’m hearing you. Stop yelling like that before you kill yourself, Masha.”

“You’re the one who’s killing me,” she complains, shivering, “I need to get out of here and back to work before you stupidly walk into this stalker’s trap!”

“Stop it,” I tell her, pulling on her covers to straighten them and fluffing her pillow, “I am fine, and I promise I will not stupidly walk into any traps while you are here. Everything will be okay. Even though you are here, I still have Vasily and Calina watching out for me. And I have Maccachin.”

“There is that,” she sighs, “Just don’t trust anyone, not even yourself. Do you hear me? In fact, especially don’t trust yourself.”

“That’s not nice.”

“Who is saying I am nice,” she counters, “Get out of here, Victor. Don’t you have a group to go to?”

“Later,” I answer, glancing at the clock in the room, “Right now, I have to go back to my room. Yuuri is going to call.”

I leave the infirmary to walk back to my room. As I near it, I run into Vasily in the hallway.

“Vitya!”

I smile at how he’s starting to call me that. It’s more like old times, when we were younger and worked together on my skating program.

“Hello, Vasily. What’s up?”

I notice he has a little picture in his hand.

“What is that?”

“Oh,” he says, grinning proudly, “it’s my girl. Her birthday is this weekend, so she’s coming to see me. You and Yuuri will have to meet her when she comes.”

“I’ll look forward to that,” I chuckle, admiring his daughter’s bright smile and brilliant green eyes, “She’s a beautiful girl.”

“She’s precious,” he gushes, “She’s my reason for doing this. I have to get home to her.”

“You will,” I assure him, “You’re doing well.”

“I was doing well last time,” he says, frowning and looking more intently at his daughter’s smiling face, “This time…it must be the last time I am in this mess. I don’t want to lose her, Vitya!”

“You won’t lose her,” I promise him, patting him on the cheek, “You and I are both going to beat our addictions and we are going home to our loved ones.”

“You’re right. It helps that we’re supporting each other while we’re here…and I hope you know that I’ll continue to support you when we’re back out there. I’m not going to forget our friendship, Vitya.”

“I won’t forget it either.”

I head back to my room, where I play a bit with Maccachin until the phone rings and I answer it to talk to Yuuri.

“Hello, Yuuri,” I greet him happily, “it’s good to hear your voice.”

“It’s good to hear yours too,” he tells me, “Victor, I heard from Stefan that Tomas was caught with obscene pictures he drew of us and other male patients.”

“That’s right, he was. Unfortunately, he escaped. But, I’m sure that he’s left and gone far from here.”

“Are you sure?” Yuuri asks, “If he was so obsessed like that…”

“He liked to draw naked pictures,” I say dismissively, “and while he did threaten me, he never hurt anyone…unless he had something to do with Tolya being attacked. They’re still investigating that.”

“Aren’t you worried about being there, Victor? Maybe you should consider going to another facility. I’m sure it could be arranged. Stefan says…”

“I’m not leaving here,” I say firmly, “I don’t think there’s any further danger, and I’m making good progress.”

“But you told me that you don’t trust Doctor Bershov.”

“Eh, you know, I’m giving him more of a chance. He still grates on me a little, but I think the therapy is helping. I’ve gotten through most of the withdrawal now, and I’m learning a lot in my group meetings. Yuuri, I think things are going well. I don’t want to have to start over somewhere new. Besides, the other facility I could go to is farther for you to have to travel to. This is much more convenient. We already talked about that.”

“Oh…okay, if you are sure,” he says uncertainly.

“Of course I am.”

“But you seemed to unsettled when we were last together.”

“A lot was going on then. Things are fine now. Are you still coming this weekend?”

“Yes, of course I am.”

“Good. It’s Vasily’s daughter’s birthday, so she’ll be here. We’ll get to meet her.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“Yuuri, you know, I’ve been thinking.”

“About what?” he asks.

“About…you know…children.”

Yuuri laughs nervously.

“Well, you know we can’t have kids, Victor. And in Russia, gay couples can’t adopt. Besides, we haven’t even gotten married yet.”

“But I’ve really been wondering, Yuuri. If it was somehow possible, would you like to raise a child together with me?”

He gets quiet, like he’s really considering, and I know it’s best to let him think.

“You don’t have to answer right now,” I assure him, “We have plenty of time to think about it.”

“How would you want to do it?” he asks, “Would we go to a country where we can adopt or…?”

“We could do that, although we might have to wait a long time because of citizenship issues. It might be better to find a surrogate or maybe more than one, who would be willing to carry your child or mine. Maybe someone we know would do it. But, like I said, we still need to get married and work out all of the details. I just…wanted you to know it’s been on my mind.”

“I’ve thought about it a little too,” he confesses, “I’ll think more about it and we can talk about it when I come this weekend, okay?”

“Okay, Yuuri.”

We move on to other topics, then…He tells me how Yakov yells at him so much during their practice sessions and how he looks forward to me coming back and coaching him. I tell him how glad I’ll be when I can go out to restaurants and shop for my own food. We talk for a long time, then say our goodbyes, and I head out with Maccachin for an afternoon walk. I only intend to stay close to the buildings, but something…I don’t know what…draws me out further. I walk the trail that leads to the still icy pond where poor Masha jumped in to _rescue_ that silly statue.

I don’t know why I feel spooked as I approach. There’s nothing to fear, now that Tomas has been exposed as the stalker. Maccachin slows and whimpers as we approach a little rise above the far edge of the pond, and I see what looks like a piece of paper placed under a rock. I frown and move forward to pick it up. I recognize Tomas’s writing from having seen it on the pages of those drawings.

_To everyone, I’m sorry. I know that what I did was wrong. Drawing those pictures was wrong minded, and threatening Victor was a terrible thing to do. I feel horrible, and this is the only way to make things right. I don’t have the right to live with all of you, and I can’t stand the thought of going to jail. Please accept my apologies._

_Tomas_

I shouldn’t look into the water, but I do. And I see how he weighted his body and jumped from the little rise. It’s strange. I don’t feel panicked. I feel really numb inside. The breaths I take are stabbing and Maccachin whines and licks my hand.

“Victor?” Doctor Bershov’s voice calls out from behind me.

It’s so weird. For a second, I hear him ask again…

_“Pochemu ty tak rasstroyen, Oska?”_

I turn with the note in my hand and I can’t say a thing. He moves closer, taking the note and reading it, then he touches my arm, and looks into my shocked eyes.

“I’ll take care of this,” he tells me, “I’m so sorry that you had to see it. I knew that he was troubled, and I would have tried to help him, if he hadn’t run away. It’s…such a tragic thing.”

I continue to stare at him, almost blindly, and I feel so strange, like when I’ve been drinking a lot and reality seems to shift strangely.

“Go back to your room, Victor. I will take care of this.”

Somehow, Maccachin and I turn back. I don’t remember walking there or much of anything else. I just lay down on the bed and hug Maccachin until I fall asleep. In the morning, everyone is talking about Tomas’s suicide. They’re careful not to ask me anything, and Vasily and Calina stay with me most of the day, trying to distract me.

Masha is released from the infirmary later in the afternoon, and she comes to my room.

“I heard you found Tomas,” she says inquiringly, “Do you want to talk about that?”

“Not really,” I sigh, “He confessed in a note and he drowned himself. What more is there to say?”

She gives me a measured look, and I’m almost sure she wants to tell me that she still doesn’t believe Tomas was the one stalking me. But oddly, she stops talking and moves closer to me, putting her arm around me in a protective gesture.

“Well, stalker or no stalker, I hope you feel safe now.”

“How could I not feel safe?” I ask, giving her a little smile that is all that I can manage right now, “You’re here, _da_? What could happen?”


	16. From Behind the Veil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor feels himself pulled between two lives...which one will prevail?

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I’m glad you are coming to see me today. I always feel happy to see your smile. My solnyshko. I am doing well. I’ve made progress in all of my meetings and Doctor Bershov says that he is very pleased with our private sessions now. I would tell you about them, but it’s confidential, so he asks me not to explain the techniques he uses. I can tell you that I leave him feeling strong and hopeful inside. Stefan still thinks I am too thin and I can tell by the questions he asks that he thinks I may be depressed. I don’t think I am. I miss you terribly, of course. Who wouldn’t be lonely or depressed, being away from a loved one? I am working very hard to get better. I can’t wait to come home to you._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Victor_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Yuuri is coming today, and I am so glad. So much has happened, so many scary things. Doctor Bershov is reassuring and supportive, but I feel the weight of being away from home for too long. Even with Maccachin here, I feel so lonely sometimes. I am working hard to improve, but I really need Yuuri. I miss him so much.

I skip breakfast. I know it’s a bad habit, but I can’t think of anything but when he will arrive. I barely say a word in my morning meeting, and Stefan says he’s worried about how I look.

“Victor, I think it’s a good thing you’re not training right now, because you’re beginning to be underweight.”

I give him a little, unconcerned shrug.

“I have to make sure that I don’t overdo it while I’m on a break,” I explain, “I will eat more when I am done here and go back home. Anyway, it’s hard to eat here. Sorry, but the food is boring and I don’t feel hungry for it.”

“But, I really think that it’s more than that,” he insists, “I see worrisome changes in your personality too.”

“Well, Yuuri and Yakov and everyone else have always complained I’m too excitable,” I chuckle, brushing that off too, “And, didn’t you, yourself, tell me that as I adjusted to living without an alcohol dependence, my behavior could change in other ways?”

“Well, yes, I did say that,” he admits, “but the amount and type of change I’m seeing here are more indicative of something like deep depression.”

“I just told you. I miss Yuuri. I miss my home. I admit that I feel sad about that, but I’m really fine. I’ll be even better when this is over and I can go home.”

“I think we’re all looking forward to that,” Stefan says, backing down a little.

We talk a little more about inconsequential things, then I leave his office to head down to my room to pick up Maccachin, so we can go for a walk to take up time before Yuuri arrives. Halfway there, I realize I left my jacket behind, and I go back to Stefan’s office. I hear voices inside, so I stop without entering.

“Doctor Bershov,” Stefan says, “I think it’s unhealthy for Victor to be as underweight as he is. I’m very concerned about what is underlying that condition. Is he eating less, as he says, because he is trying not to gain extra weight during a time when he is not actively training, or are there emotional reasons why he might be developing an eating disorder?”

“Well,” Bershov answers, “it’s true that Victor has lost some weight, but given the intensity of his addiction and the work he has had to put into his recovery, it’s not unexpected if he does have the beginnings of an eating disorder. If you’d like, I can arrange for some sessions to encourage him to eat, and we can certainly have his physician prescribe an appetite stimulant…although, it seems that the time he spends with Yuuri Katsuki seem to have a positive effect.”

“Yes, they do,” Stefan agrees, “But oddly, I am starting to notice…well, I can’t say for sure, but it seems like Victor is disassociating from, not just Yuuri, but everyone around him.”

“I see, and what makes you think that?”

“Ah…his words, maybe there is something in his body language. Mostly, it’s something I feel from knowing him.”

“Hmm, could you maybe be becoming a little too personally involved?” Bershov asks, not accusingly, “After all, you went to great effort to pursue Victor and to persuade him to come here.”

“I offered the help he came and asked for,” Stefan insists, “Yes, working with him privately was something that I don’t often do, but it was indicated, based on my first impression of him.”

“And also, you were a fan of his and felt motivated to _save_ him, perhaps?”

Stefan doesn’t answer right away.

“I do care about what happens to him, but I don’t think that it steps over any boundaries. In any case, I have real concerns about him.”

“So, you would like me to explore the possibility of an eating disorder? I can certainly do that. If you will take care of contacting the doctor for the appetite stimulant, I will work with Victor and explain everything to him.”

“Thank you,” Stefan says, sounding relieved, “I know you may think I’m overreacting, but he was down another half-pound today. He’s been losing weight steadily, and his personality is showing signs of significant disruption.”

“Not to worry,” Bershov says calmly, “Victor is a much more receptive patient than he was at first. We are on good terms. I’m sure that I can help him.”

I take that as a cue they are done, and I move forward and tap on the door frame.

“Ah, Victor,” Stefan says.

I don’t miss the little signs that would hint that he’s just been talking about me, even if I hadn’t heard.

“Sorry, I forgot my jacket,” I tell him.

“Oh, right,” Stefan chuckles, “I didn’t even see it.”

I pick up the jacket and start to leave, but Doctor Bershov touches my arm, and I stop and look at him reflexively.

“Victor,” he says, looking into my eyes, “I wonder if you’d mind coming to talk to me for a few minutes.”

“I…”

“Oh, I know you are meeting with Yuuri today,” he says, smiling, “I just want to talk for a little while.”

I want to say no, and I even open my mouth, but…

“Oh, if you think it’s important, then fine. There is still time before Yuuri arrives.”

And the next thing I know, we’ve said goodbye to Stefan, and we’re heading for his office. We walk inside and he sits down and motions for me to sit on the sofa. I don’t know why, but I feel a little scared.

“You’re not in any trouble,” he assures me.

He says something else, and all of a sudden, I feel really, really dizzy.

“Victor?” he says.

His voice is garbled and everything is getting really dark.

_Is this because Stefan is right?_

_I have an eating disorder?_

_I feel so…_

XXXXXXXXXX

_My head hurts really badly._

_My body feels so weak I can’t even open my eyes._

_How long was I sleeping?_

_Where am I?_

“Oska?”

_It’s him again…the doctor. I’ve gotten to know his voice and the way his hands feel, but as much as I am starting to remember, I still…_

“My dear, you should be able to open your eyes now. Please try.”

“I…I c-can’t.”

I feel his fingers brush against my face and I can feel the wetness of my tears.

“I’m trying.”

“I know you are,” he says comfortingly, “It’s all right. Breathe slowly. This is a process that takes a long time to complete.”

“What happened?” I ask.

I feel his arms wrap around me and he lifts me, so that he can embrace me. My arms can barely hold onto him.

“Why am I so weak?”

“It’s to be expected,” he tells me as he touches my face and pets my hair, “You remember what I explained to you last time you woke?”

_He told me that I was his lover. He said that I became ill and I was going to die. He used an experimental procedure, to imprint my mind on the body of a man who had lost the will to live and tried to kill himself. The man’s body was alive, but his mind was gone. He tells me that the reason my body feels so heavy and I can’t move very well is because it takes time for my mind to learn to control this new body._

_I didn’t believe him, but I see things in my head…flashes of light…pictures. I can hear his voice speaking to me, saying things that a lover would say._

“Will you try again to open your eyes, Oska?” he asks.

This time, I find that I can. But as my foggy eyes blink and squint and start to focus, I notice something.

“You look older.”

His smile gets to big and bright, I can’t help smiling too. He hugs me even more tightly. His arms shake with emotion.

“Oska!” he whispers.

His lips touch the side of my throat and I shiver.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes, pulling free of me and wiping his teary eyes, “It’s just that I wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to fully awaken you.”

He looks deeply into my eyes.

“You do remember me, then, don’t you, Oska?”

I manage a little nod.

“I remember you being younger,” I tell him, “Sorry, that’s just what I see.”

“Well, you see correctly, then,” he laughs, hugging me more gently, “You see, I was younger when you died, Oska. It took me a long time to take the imprint of your mind, to study it and figure out how it might be imprinted on a body. I first tried to create a fake body, but I couldn’t get it to awaken. Then, I thought that there was this man I knew of, who tried to take his life, and even though his body recovered, his mind never reawakened. It took time to convince everyone he died, and to take his body away to try to bond your mind with it. I’ve been infusing yourmind with memories…stories of our old times…things we did together. You remember now?”

“I don’t know,” I tell him, “I feel strange. There are memories there, but…they feel distant.”

“Well, you were unconscious for a long time before I brought you back.”

He takes my hands in his.

“Do you think you can stand?” he asks.

“I don’t know. I feel dizzy.”

“I’ll help you. Come.”

I do get onto my feet, but he has to hold me up.

“Sorry,” I apologize again.

I catch sight of my face in the mirror…then I feel a strange, throbbing pain in my head and I double over. He lets me down carefully onto my knees on the floor while everything spins and the pictures in my head all spin together.

“I…I don’t just remember my…our…us,” I stammer, closing my eyes tightly, “ _He_ is still here!”

“No, no,” the doctor says in a low, soothing voice as I start to cry, “he is gone, Oska. It’s just you and me. There are…just some remaining bits of his memory. I know they confuse you, but you can push them out. Just focus on the memories of us. It will take some time, but we will do this together, my love! Please trust me.”

_Can I?_

_I know that he did this out of love, but…this body…these bits of another man’s mind. I feel…connected to him. I feel, not a will to die, but a strong passion for living! There is a face that provokes such strong, beautiful emotion when I see it…a young man like this one with dark hair and brown eyes…a body like a dancer. I see his lovely smile and hear his laughter._

_Oh god…did the doctor…did he…?_

“You seem very distressed,” he says, holding me and brushing away the tears on my face, “I know this is scary for you, Oska. I promise I will…”

“You say I died of illness?” I ask suddenly.

“Yes. It was…Leukemia.”

“I don’t have any memories, not even mental pictures of being ill.”

My heart pounds and I can barely force out my next words.

“Are you…sure that’s what happened?”

For just a moment, I see a flash of fury in his eyes, then he says something in a low hiss and everything goes black.

XXXXXXXXXX

“Victor?”

My eyes open and I sit up slowly, finding myself on Bershov’s sofa. Throbs of pain radiate through my head.

“What happened?” I ask him.

He gives me a sympathetic look.

“It looks like what happened is that you passed out from low blood sugar. Did you eat breakfast?”

“Y-yes, I did,” I insist.

I know what he’s getting at.

He looks at me more closely.

“Victor, please be honest with me. Have you been…intentionally or unintentionally, throwing up after you eat?”

 _Oh, I don’t want to answer him_!

“Stefan was telling me that you keep losing weight.”

“But you and everyone else said that sometimes a very addicted person will lose some weight and will throw up sometimes. I promise I’m not doing this on purpose. I’m not!”

“I don’t think you are,” he says, taking my hands, “I think that you are just under stress from the process of withdrawing, and now that your body is learning to live without alcohol, we must strengthen your mind to handle stress differently.”

“I don’t think I…”

“Victor, I want you to stand in front of the mirror.”

_God, I don’t want to look at myself._

But, he helps me to my feet and I go to stand in front of the mirror.

“Take off your shirt.”

I’ve never been shy about my body, but I really don’t want him to see. I know it’s for medical purposes, but…

“It’s all right, Victor. I understand why you don’t want me to see.”

He moves closer and squeezes my hand.

“You are a man who perceives himself as always being in control, always being able to handle what comes.”

“I think we know that when I used to tell myself that, I was telling a lie,” I answer softly.

“Yes.”

“I used my sense of humor and I used deflection and distraction. I used alcohol. These things, I used to make myself feel like I was still calm. I was still in control. But, I wasn’t.”

“No, you weren’t.”

“And, even though alcohol doesn’t control me, and I’m choosing honesty, I Am. Still. Not. In. Control.”

He lifts my shirt, so that we are both looking at the evidence.

“Now, it is my body that I am fighting.”

“No,” he says quietly, “you are not fighting your body, Victor. Your body is fighting, but it is only fighting to survive. It is your mind, your emotions that are in disarray. This causes the discomfort that will not let you eat and sleep properly.”

He lets the warm fabric slide back into place.

“Are you going to make me stay here longer?” I ask.

My voice shakes, because I am barely hanging onto my sanity, thinking it will be six more weeks before I can go home. To even think of staying longer…

“No,” he reassures me, and the relief is so strong that it escapes me in a hard, guttural sob, “You only agreed to stay for sixty days…and I will make sure that before the end of that time, you are really in control, Victor.”

“Thank you, Doctor Bershov,” I manage in a shuddering sigh, “I hate this…not you or the program. It’s been helpful…I just…”

“You miss your home,” he says in an oddly gentle tone, “you miss your lover, and you miss the life that you had before. I promise you, Victor, you will have all of those things back very, very soon.”

I do feel better as I leave, and as I head back through the facility and approach my room, I spot Yuuri waiting for me. I bring him inside my room and close the door.

“Victor,” he whispers, paling, “Victor, what’s wrong?”

“I know I look terrible,” I admit, grabbing him and hugging him tightly, “Recovery is really hard. I’m so sorry that I did this to myself, Yuuri…and I’m sorry that I did this to us!”

He holds me for awhile, just being quiet and not saying anything. I feel myself melting under his hands, breathing in his sweet scent like it’s my oxygen. It’s only with him holding me like that, I start to feel more like myself again, and I manage an honest smile.

“You did bring me another pork cutlet bowl, right?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he laughs, handing me the little bag he’s carrying.

We sit down on the bed and I open the container and breathe in that heavenly scent. This time, I savor every bite slowly, sharing some with him, offering him bits from my own mouth. Kissing and devouring, we work our way through that wonderful food, then we walk Maccachin together, before returning to my room and laying down in the bed together. We don’t have sex right away, and when it happens, it is a slow, savory seduction.

I can feel that Yuuri is scared, and I know what calms him when he feels that way, so I take the lead in our lovemaking, holding him tightly, kissing him passionately and showing him that there is still strength in my body, even if I am struggling. I linger over his body, kissing and licking him all over, making him laugh because it tickles as I consume him as tenderly and lovingly as I did the food he brought me.

I lay down between his soft, spread thighs, first kissing and tasting every delectable inch, then joining our bodies and letting him feel that whatever has happened, I am still his Victor, his lover, his coach and his friend. Nothing will ever change that…nothing and no one.

Not. Ever.


	17. The Person Who I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri get surprising news from Stefan.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I feel so much better with you here. To be able to hold you, to be able to look into your eyes, to kiss you, even just to talk to you…it’s a heaven for me. I’m tired inside, Yuuri. I still have so much time I have to be away from you. When this is over and I come home, we are getting married. And I know now that I want to find a way for us to have children. I want everything in life with you._ **

**_I’m only sad that we have to wait._ **

**_Love,_ **

**_Victor_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

It’s hard to fall asleep with Yuuri in my bed at the recovery center. It’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just that I know it won’t feel like anywhere near long enough before he has to leave me again. I do have Maccachin, and Vasily, Calina and Masha are good friends…although Masha can be abrasive sometimes. She’s become something like a sibling…loyal, protective and often annoying. She adores Yuuri, though, and she’s always nice to him.

I lie in bed with Yuuri, late at night. I should have dropped off hours ago, but it’s not as cold outside, so I hear rain falling. It’s wonderful, lying there, listening to that soothing sound and having my senses full of Yuuri. He’s been asleep for awhile when I finally get sleepy enough to begin to drift off.

I don’t know how much time passes. It’s still dark and the rain is still pouring down outside, when I feel myself come awake suddenly, shaking all over, and my heart pounding like it’s about to leap out of my chest. I know right away what it is. I’ve had a few panic attacks since giving up drinking. They feel absolutely horrible and they are frightening, but at least Doctor Bershov has coached me on how to endure them. Yuuri wakes up when he feels me shaking, and I feel better with him right there. He’s had them too, so he just holds me against him, and he talks in a quiet voice, getting me to focus on things that will ground me and help calm my mind, even if my body is going a little haywire.

“Sorry,” I whisper, resting against his shoulder, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“What are you apologizing for?” he asks, ruffling my hair and feeding me gentle kisses as my breathing and heart rate slow, and I begin to get sleepy again, “How many times have you held me while I was in a panic.”

“You’re better at this than I am,” I answer, nuzzling under his chin.

“No way. You’re really good at it, now that we know each other so well.”

He’s quiet for a little while, just petting my hair and letting his hands caress me in a soothing way.

“Victor, can I ask you something?” he says finally.

I peek out from under his chin and meet his eyes. He looks worried.

“What is it? Is something wrong?”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” he confesses, “I know that Stefan said we should expect some changes, and that you might have some things like panic attacks and sleep disturbances, but something kind of…kind of scary happened, and I don’t know if it’s just that, or if it’s something else.”

I give him a confused look.

“What are we talking about, Yuuri?” I ask him.

He pauses and thinks carefully.

“Well,” he continues a few minutes later, “I woke up while you were sleeping, and…I heard you speaking Russian in your sleep.”

“I was talking in my sleep?”

I wasn’t expecting to hear that, although it sounds like something that might just be happening because of the stress I’m under.

“Yeah. I didn’t understand everything, but because I’m learning Russian, I did understand some of it.”

“And what was I saying?”

“You were apologizing to someone,” he explains, “but it was strange. You were shaking and it almost sounded like you were crying. I tried to wake you up and…”

_God, my heart is pounding again. I feel like I’m going into another panic, but it’s not that, I just feel like something is very wrong now._

“What happened, Yuuri. Please, tell me. I can tell that, whatever it is, it’s bothering you a lot.”

_He’s so tense._

_He was really disturbed by whatever happened._

“Yuuri, what’s wrong?” I ask more urgently, “What happened when you tried to wake me?”

“Ah, I touched your face and you opened your eyes.”

He shudders.

“Yuuri…”

“It was kind of scary,” he admits, quivering as he remembers, “Victor, it was like you didn’t know me at all. You looked back at me like I was a total stranger to you.”

_That is terrifying._

_But, at the same time, if I’m having sleep disturbances, it could just have been related to that, right?_

“That must have frightened you,” I sympathize, “I’m so sorry, Yuuri. I feel like I’m troubling you so much. You…know you don’t have to stay here, if it’s…”

“What are you talking about?” he chides me, shaking his head, “Victor, just because you’re having a hard time in therapy doesn’t mean that I should abandon you if something happens I don’t like.”

“Sorry, I just meant that I…”

“We’re in this together, Victor,” he says firmly, “I’m not going anywhere. I just thought that you should know, so that you could tell Doctor Bershov when you see him again.”

“I will tell him,” I promise, “He will probably have an idea about something to do for that.”

Yuuri gives me a little, amused smile.

“You sure have changed in your opinion about him,” he chuckles, “A week ago, you could barely stand him, and now, you seem like you really trust him.”

“We got off to a kind of a bad start,” I confess, “I’m just giving him more of a fair shake, I guess. He is my therapist, and he has given me some very good techniques for handling stress.”

“You did seem to weather that panic attack pretty well,” he comments, “I’m glad it’s helping. Still, I just worry about you, Victor. You seem to be doing better with the withdrawal, but…I don’t know…you just look like you don’t feel well.”

“People getting over an addiction spend a lot of time not feeling well.”

“Yeah,” he says uneasily, “I guess that’s what it is. I just don’t like seeing you uncomfortable, and looking like you’re not eating enough.”

“I just sat and ate that pork cutlet bowl with you a few hours ago,” I remind him, “Did you see me having any problem with that? I just don’t like the food here so much. I’m sure my appetite will improve when I get out of here. In fact, I may start to gain too much weight, because I’ll go out and gorge myself, since I’ve had to go without.”

He laughs a little at that, and we settle down again and go back to sleep. We sleep late the next morning, because the couples’ meeting we attend is late morning, so there’s plenty of time to laze around, make love once more, then we shower together before dressing and going to breakfast.

When we’re naked under the water, Yuuri’s hands run over my body slowly, almost like he’s trying to will the thinness away. I feel a little embarrassed that I’m not in better condition, but Yuuri’s hands swiftly remind me that I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to be me.

“I wish you were coming home sooner,” Yuuri sighs, “I miss you and Maccachin. The house is lonely without you, even though I keep busy, and I get to talk to you almost every day.”

“We talk every day,” I chuckle, “I’m worried I’ll bore you.”

“You forgot to be there to answer my call once this week.”

“Really? When was that?” I ask, frowning, “I don’t remember that.”

“Well, you are pretty forgetful,” he says ruefully.

“I am not forgetting you calling me,” I say in an offended tone.

“Well, it happened,” he says, laughing a little, “You must have had a meeting run late or something.”

“That’s probably it,” I sigh, “They do keep us busy with groups and things.”

“You’ve also had a lot going on,” he continues.

I know by his expression and tone that he’s talking about me thinking that he was the one at the bottom of the pond the first time, then me being the one to find Tomas’s body there.

“I’ve been so worried all week. Stefan tells me what’s going on, but I feel really helpless to do anything for you. I’m stuck out there and you’re in here.”

I take his hand and touch it to my breast, over my heart.

“You are always right here,” I promise him, “We will get through this, Yuuri. We will.”

“Victor, will you tell me something? Do you…really think it was Tomas who did the stalking?”

I consider for a moment, then I nod.

“I do. But, even if he was not, I still have Masha and Stefan, and also Vasily and Calina looking out for me. There also haven’t been any more incidences since Tomas was unmasked as the stalker. Still, if it makes you feel better, I haven’t let down my guard. I am pretty much always with either Maccachin or one of my friends here.”

“That does make me feel better.”

We’re quiet as we finish our shower, then we dry off and dress before walking to the cafeteria for breakfast. We find Vasily and Calina sitting at one of the tables with a little girl happily bouncing on Vasily’s lap. It’s his daughter from the picture I saw in Vasily’s room before, his daughter, Aurora.

“So, she did come to visit,” I say, smiling.

Vasily holds the little girl up, facing Yuuri and me.

“Aurora,” he says proudly, “I would like you to meet two of the best male figure skaters in the world…and, of course, my good friends, Victor and Yuuri. Victor, Yuuri, this is my Aurora.”

“Pleased to meet you, little lady,” I greet her, charming her with a charismatic wink.

“Hi, Aurora,” Yuuri says, smiling, “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Here, hold her for a minute,” Vasily says, offering her to me.

I’ve held babies and toddlers before, but there’s something strange and oddly beautiful that happens this time. I lift the little red-haired girl up and look into her pretty eyes. I see her smile and hear that sweet laughter she makes. For a moment, I get a flash of something in my mind…no, somewhere in my heart. The sweet scent from her hair and her clothes reaches me. My heart beats faster, and I see something else in my mind…Yuuri and me in our home…with a little baby of our own.

I mean, we’re both men, so we can’t make a baby, but I’ve been thinking there are ways that we could have a baby fathered by one of us…the other…both? It’s come into my mind a few times now, but when it comes on while I’m holding Aurora, it sets off a longing. I feel Yuuri’s eyes watching me closely as we spend time with Vasily’s budding family. As we leave them and head to the couples’ therapy meeting, he glances at me questioningly and takes a little steadying breath.

“Vasily’s daughter was cute,” he comments.

“Yes,” I agree, feeling a little warmth inside, just remembering.

He pauses, like he doesn’t know what to say for a moment, then he forces out the words.

“Y-you are thinking that you want to have a baby to raise, right?” he asks, “I mean, I know you are. It’s obvious by the way you were looking at her…with so much joy in your eyes. Victor, it’s the most alive you’ve looked since you came here.”

“I have been thinking about that,” I confess, “But you’ve thought about it too, haven’t you?”

He blushes so cutely.

“Yeah, yeah, I have,” he admits, “I…I think if we really want to do that, we could start, I don’t know…looking for ways…once you come home and we get married.”

I have to say, I feel like a man who’s been trapped in the desert without a drop of water, who is suddenly handed a tall glass of iced tea. My smile is so big and happy, it makes Yuuri smile and laugh too.

“That’s a great idea!” I agree excitedly, “We would, of course, have to continue to be careful because of the laws here…but if it came to that, we could always live somewhere else while we raise our children.”

As we walk to the therapy meeting, we continue to talk about it, and it seems to light me up inside, giving me a warmth that stays with me, even though I know after the meeting, we won’t have much more time before our next goodbye. At the end of the session, as Yuuri and I are leaving, Stefan gets our attention and calls us into his office. We go and sit down there with him, and he closes the door, then he sits down on the other side of the desk and smiles at us.

“It’s good seeing you both so happy,” he tells us, “It hasn’t escaped me, or anyone here, how crucial Yuuri is to your treatment, Victor. I’ve been worried lately, as I was telling you, and as I told Yuuri in my last call to him, that although you are making very good progress with your recovery, you are not thriving physically, and your emotional state has me concerned.”

“I’ve tried to tell you, I am just struggling, like everyone else here,” I say, shaking my head, “and Yuuri’s bringing me pork cutlet bowls.”

“I know,” Stefan chuckles, “I help him sneak them in…but I have a better idea for you, and I want to run it by you.”

We both look at him very curiously now.

“What do you want me to do?” I ask, “Is it some different therapy? I’ll do whatever you think is best. You know that.”

“I do know that,” he assures me, “and the therapy I think would be very good for you…would be to start going home on weekends.”

I don’t mean to, but I start to leak tears from such happiness.

“I can go home for weekends already?” I ask, “But I thought it would be longer. I thought I might not get to.”

“Well, usually, there is a high concern that we need to do a slower reintroduction to normal life, with the presence of easy access to liquor. I know we’ll have to be careful, and I will be monitoring that, but I believe that you realize the seriousness of what you were doing before, and you are committed to living a life either without alcohol, or at very least, having some control of yourself when drinking.”

“I have learned a lot in my meetings,” I agree, “and I am, like you say, committed to sobriety.”

“Me too,” Yuuri adds, “I’m going to be there to support Victor all of the way.”

“I know you will,” Stefan says, smiling more widely, “I have conferred with others on the staff, and with the exception of Doctor Bershov, everyone on the committee, here, thinks this is the best choice for you.”

“So…I get to go home next…”

“You will leave each Friday, after your last meeting and you will come back each Monday morning, in time for your first session.”

“Friday, my only meeting ends at ten,” I say happily, “and I don’t meet with anyone on Monday until one in the afternoon!”

“That will give you and Yuuri more time to enjoy together,” Stefan speculates, “and I am also recommending that we get you doing some training at the ice rink. Take it easy until you’ve regained some of the weight you are down, but I want you to start making things more normal.”

I turn and throw my arms around Yuuri. I’m so happy that it takes a while for me to calm down. And as we talk about the specifics of my weekend release, I start to think about what he said. When we’re done with everything else, I ask him the question on my mind.

“Stefan, you said that Doctor Bershov disagreed with letting me go home. Did he say why?”

Stefan pauses for a second before answering.

“I think that he’s worried about it being too soon for you to be around alcohol. But when pressed, he had to admit that both of my assertions are right. You are progressing very well and you are definitely motivated to stay dry now. I don’t know if he is completely convinced, but you can ask him about his objection when you have your next appointment with him.”

“Right, right, I will.”

Yuuri and I leave Stefan’s office and we meet Masha and pick up Maccachin to go out into the gardens for a walk.

“So, I get to go home on weekends, now,” I tell her.

“Really? That’s good for you,” she laughs a little sarcastically, “But I have no weekend pass, so I’ll be bored as hell, sitting around here, pretending to be a recovering alcoholic without you. But…I’ll be looking into a few things.”

“Like what?” I ask.

“I heard Tolya is showing signs of waking,” she tells us.

“Really? Do you think you’ll be able to question him?” Yuuri asks.

“If he wakes up, yeah. But, in addition to him, I’ve got my eye on Petya.”

“You don’t still think the stalker is running around?” I ask, shaking my head.

“We don’t know for sure about anything. Besides, like I said, it’s boring as hell here without you, and I have to at least do something to earn my paycheck. I’m looking into Petya because he said something kind of strange to me the other day. It’s been in the back of my mind…It was something about strings.”

My eyes widen, and Masha takes me by the arm.

“He said something to you, too?” she asks.

“He…ah, he said something about people dancing, and that you should look for who is manipulating the strings. Was that what he said to you also?”

“Yeah,” Masha admits, “I think he knows I’m not a real patient. I think he knew about Tomas drawing perverted pictures and Tolya being a closeted gay.”

“He’s a strange person,” I admit, “He does seem to watch everyone.”

“I’m going to try talking to him, and if that doesn’t yield anything, I’m going to see if I can get my hands on his journal.”

“That’s not very nice, stealing looks at a person’s journal,” I chide her.

“Think about Tomas,” she says sharply, “Victor, we need to be sure about this…so I am going to continue looking into it…and _you_ are going to continue being careful. Got it?”

“Yeah,” I laugh, surprising her with a hug, “I’ve got it.”

“What are you doing? Stop that!”

“It was just a thank you hug.”

“Well, stop it, okay? I don’t need you hugging me!”

“Everyone needs to be hugged. Yuuri, hug her.”

“What? Me?” Yuuri yelps, blushing.

“Yuuri, I will hug,” Masha says, wrapping her arms around my surprised fiancé.

“It figures,” I laugh.

She really is a funny, quirky person.


	18. The Man in my Shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor gets worrisome news and a very disturbing surprise.

**_Dear Victor,_ **

**_I know you don’t know me, but I have to find a way to reach you. I have to warn you. Senya is not helping you. He is trying to destroy you. I know this, because he is the one who made a place for me inside you. When you go to him, he speaks certain words that make your mind sleep, and they awaken me._ **

**_Victor, he is trying to erase you. He is trying to make you disappear, so that only I will be in your body. I am scared, because I know if you become aware, you may kill me. I understand. This body belongs to you. I should not be here. I did not ask to be here. I am Senya’s prisoner._ **

**_Ah, someone is coming…I must go._ **

**_Oska_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

A knock on my door steals me out of the little mental fog I was in. For some reason, I was just sitting on my bed after Yuuri left. I know I was daydreaming about what it will be like next weekend when I get to go home. I was thinking about all of the things I would do.

Then…I sort of zoned out.

_I must have been bored._

_Why is Maccachin lying on the floor, looking at me so strangely? He’s been doing that sometimes lately. It’s kind of unsettling. I wonder if maybe, now that Tomas is no longer stalking me and I feel comfortable here, I should just insist on Yuuri taking him home._

My journal is on the bed with me, so I pick it up as I get up to answer the door. I open the door and Masha is there, wearing a little bit of a frantic expression. She pushes me back into the room and shuts the door hurriedly.

“M-masha? What are you doing?”

“Shh! Listen to me!” she hisses, grabbing my arm, “I have to tell you something.”

“Did you learn something from Petya?” I ask, “You said you were going to ask him some questions. Was he helpful?”

“Maybe,” she answers, still holding onto me, “only not in the way I intended. Victor, something really strange happened.”

“What are you talking about? What happened?” I ask her.

She glances at the door, then she looks back at me.

“Petya is in the hospital,” she informs me.

“What? What happened to him?” I ask, “It wasn’t…?”

“It wasn’t an attack, at least, it looks like it was an overdose. Stefan went to the hospital to get the latest on him and to counsel him…if he lives.”

_Why does it feel so personal? I don’t even know Petya that well. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we are in the same program. We are all struggling with our addictions._

“Are you all right, Victor?” she asks, sounding genuinely concerned, “I wasn’t aware that you had gotten to know Petya that well.”

“I didn’t…I _don’t_. It’s just that…Tolya is still unconscious in the hospital and Tomas is dead. For the third time since I came here…someone’s life is in danger.”

“You don’t count your own stalking as danger?” she asks, tilting her head a little.

“Senya would never let someone hurt me.”

_What?_

_What did I just say?_

_Why did I call Doctor Bershov by, not just his first name, but his more intimate nickname?_

Masha doesn’t miss it either.

“Victor,” she says, looking into my eyes, “you’re not okay. For a second, you zoned out. What, are you just stressed? What’s wrong with you?”

“Ah…”

“Why did you say that, basically, you are being protected by Doctor Bershov? And why that name?”

“I don’t know!” I snap irritably, “We…we’re on better terms than we were. He’s helped me deal with a lot of things.”

She scowls at me, but very strangely, she seems more worried than angry.

“I think we need to get you out of here,” she decides.

“What?” I ask, “You’ve got to be kidding me! After I’ve put in two weeks of hell, you want me to walk out of therapy, just because Petya overdosed? I’m sorry for him, really I am, but…”

“Victor, his journal is missing!” she tells me.

“His journal?”

“Yes,” she affirms, “I mean, there was a journal with him, but you and I both know that Petya kept meticulous notes on _everyone_! And that leaves two possibilities. First, someone might have taken the original and replaced it with a copy.”

“You know, you are going a little far with this,” I complain.

“Will you shut up and listen to me!” she hisses furiously, “You are not right in the head, and if Petya really did overdose, he might have been influenced too. So, where does that lead you?”

My eyes narrow.

“You think that Doctor Bershov is involved?” I ask.

She’s watching me carefully as I take that in. I want to reject it, to push it away. After all, Doctor Bershov has been helping me. But…what if…?

“I don’t know for sure,” she admits. But there is a way to find out more, or at least get more clues.”

“And what is that?” I ask her.

“You think I’m gonna tell you that?” she snaps, “You’re just this side of the cuckoo’s nest and if Bershov is involved, your screws may have been loosened enough for you to give me away. That being said, there is only one thing to do.”

I look back at her with a questioning expression.

“Well, if it wasn’t someone else who took Petya’s journal, I have to find it…and…I have to make sure that you don’t stay in Bershov’s hands.”

“Masha, what the hell are you…?”

She moves so damned fast, I’m not even sure what hit me. I just know she did something, then everything goes black and quiet.

XXXXXXXXXX

I wake up to the biggest fucking headache of my life, and I try to sit up and grab at it. The only problem, I find, is that I am restrained and my eyes have been covered, so I can’t see where I am. I catch Yuuri’s scent right away, and I feel Maccachin’s warmth and weight beside me. There are other people in the room, but I’m not sure who they are.

“Yuuri?”

_My throat feels so dry and achey._

_Did I get sick?_

_Where are we?_

Yuuri’s hand touches mine tentatively, but it’s not his voice that speaks to me.

It’s Stefan’s.

“You are safe, Victor,” he tells me.

_What is that in his voice?_

_Is he afraid of something?_

“Where are we?” I ask, trying again to sit up, “Why am I tied down?”

“You are in restraints for your own safety,” Stefan tells me in a worried tone, “and…for your safety, I can’t tell you where we are. All I can tell you is that you are safe and we are going to take care of you.”

“What the hell is this?” I shout, “TAKE THESE FUCKING THINGS OFF! YOU KNOW GODDAMNED WELL THAT I DON’T LIKE THEM!”

For a moment, no one answers. I’m so angry that I start to lose control. I yank at the restraints and struggle to break them.

“Yuuri, I know you’re here!” I yell, “You can’t just sit there and let this bastard tie me down like this.”

I hear his breath hitch, but he doesn’t answer.

“What is wrong with all of you?” I scream, making Maccachin yelp and jump off of the bed, “First, that psycho attacks me, and now all of you are tying me down and acting like there’s something wrong with me. I’m telling you for the last goddamned time, LET ME UP!”

A soft, sniffing sound tells me that Yuuri is crying, but for some reason, it only infuriates me more, thinking that he has been convinced to let someone do this to me.

“Yuuri, let me the fuck up!” I shout at him, “Let me up now!”

“Vitya.”

This time, it’s Yakov’s voice that reaches me, and when I hear it, I freeze.

_Yakov is afraid too?_

_What the hell is wrong with them?_

It may be simply the fact that Yakov has been there for me for so much of my life that makes me stop talking and really listen. I hold still and work to slow my breathing, employing a technique that Doctor Bershov taught me. It involves using certain words to trigger a calm, quiet feeling. I whisper the words and everything goes still and quiet around me. I’m in a very calm, safe state and I feel the level of tension in the room drop sharply. Yuuri breathes a soft sigh of relief and Stefan’s voice sounds again.

“Victor, I am going to read something to you. Listen carefully.”

_“Dear Victor,_

_I know you don’t know me, but I have to find a way to reach you. I have to warn you. Senya is not helping you. He is trying to destroy you. I know this, because he is the one who made a place for me inside you. When you go to him, he speaks certain words that make your mind sleep, and they awaken me._

_Victor, he is trying to erase you. He is trying to make you disappear, so that only I will be in your body. I am scared, because I know if you become aware, you may kill me. I understand. This body belongs to you. I should not be here. I did not ask to be here. I am Senya’s prisoner._

_Ah, someone is coming…I must go._

_Oska”_

“Oska?” I repeat.

For some reason, the picture that I caught sight of in Doctor Bershov’s office comes to mind.

“Victor,” Stefan inquires, “do you recognize this letter? Do you remember it?”

“No,” I answer honestly, “Where did you find it? It sounds a little crazy.”

There is perfect silence in the room for a moment, and it’s one of the scariest moments of my life. I hear Stefan draw a breath, and then he answers me.

“This is the beginning of the last entry in your journal,” he explains, “and it is in your own handwriting.”

My insides go all icy and all of a sudden, I feel so shaky.

“What? My journal?” I whisper.

“This evening, Masha called me,” he goes on, “She told me to come to the rehab center, and she warned me not to let anyone see what was in my office.”

“What was in your office?” I ask him, “Did she say I did something wrong? Is that why she knocked me out and you tied me up like this?”

“I wasn’t aware of how you got knocked out,” he tells me, “I went to the rehab center and I slipped inside without going through the main desk area. When I got to my office, I found you tied to one of the chairs and unconscious. There were two journals sitting on your lap. One was yours and one was…well, she left a hastily scratched note that says it was Petya’s “real” journal.”

“Masha?”

_Oh my god, I hope she wasn’t…_

“Also in the room, I found Masha lying on the floor. There was blood…and it was obvious that she put the journals and the note there. I knew, when I found this, that there was something awful going on, so I called Yakov and he brought help. We were able to distract the staff security, and we got you, Masha and the books out of the facility. We have doctors helping her.”

“Is she going to be all right?” I ask, “Can I see her?”

There is a long pause, and it leaves me with the feeling I am missing something important.

“Masha is still unconscious,” Stefan answers, “She is getting the best of care. She will be all right, but…she was beaten very badly…and she was raped.”

If the cold feeling I had before was bad, I feel a worse pain inside at what I hear beneath his words.

“You…think I hurt her?” I ask, “You think I beat and raped Masha?”

No one in the room makes a sound.

“Wait…my journal,” I reason, “You know that I wouldn’t hurt Masha, or anyone else, but you don’t know that about Oska? Is that it? You think Oska took over and hurt her? Why? Why would you think that? Masha is my _friend_. She is my protector! I wouldn’t hurt her, and even if Oska from the letter is exactly what he says, I don’t think he had any reason to hurt her either!”

“Victor,” Stefan says worriedly, “were you aware of Oska being in your mind? In your body?”

“I think it’s clear from the fact he had to write it in my journal, I wasn’t aware of him!” I snap, “What are you getting at?”

“What he is getting at is that he thinks you have been having blackouts, and when he talked to Yuuri, Yuuri said that you had missed a phone call from him, and that, when you were together this last time, you had a moment when you seemed to not be yourself.”

I don’t want to, but I suddenly remember Maccachin’s strange behavior from before. My heart starts to race and I am so scared I feel like I can’t breathe.

“So, you really think that I did this to Masha?” I ask in a quaking whisper, “You think that, maybe Oska is a rapist?”

“We don’t know exactly what happened or how you and Masha ended up in my office in that condition,” Stefan tells me, “Right now, I am having a friend take samples from Masha’s body and test them. We should have the results soon.”

“When you do, will you let me up?” I ask.

There is more silence.

“We need to make sure that you are not going to run,” Stefan answers, “and the only way to do that is to try to figure out what has been done to you, and to counteract it.”

“So, now you will be messing with my head?” I ask.

“I am carefully consulting some people who can help,” Stefan tells me, “But…I also have to go back to the rehab center this morning and pretend like nothing happened.”

“Like nothing happened?” I muse, “Didn’t you say there was blood? If there was blood, then I don’t think you’ll just get away with that.”

“I had some help cleaning up the evidence,” Stefan reveals, “Victor, we need to try to figure out what the hell is going on. To do that, I need to go back to the rehab center, and I have to act like I don’t know anything. If Bershov is behind this, then all of us who are his colleagues have been lied to! If he is capable of doing such things to a patient’s mind…we _have_ to stop him!”

“Ah,” I say softly, “but you can’t do that until you know that I am not involved. Is that it?”

“That is why we have been waiting,” he admits.

A beeping from his phone makes all of us freeze, and stare as he checks it. He looks back at us and breathes a sigh of relief.

“The samples do not match your DNA,” he reveals in a calmer tone, “I am surprised, though. The DNA didn’t match Bershov’s either. The man who beat and raped Masha…was Nurse Ivken.”


	19. In the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor ponders the fates of his loved ones as Stefan leaves to confront Doctor Bershov.

I feel Yuuri’s fingers stroking my hair, and I really do try to stay calm, but I hate feeling like I can’t move. My eyes are still covered so that I won’t see where I am. Stefan has gone back to the rehab center, and we’re waiting to hear what’s happening there, as soon as he can get word to us. In my mind, I keep going back to those minutes before Masha arrived in my room. I remember Yuuri kissing me goodbye and us talking about seeing each other when I go home next weekend. I recall sitting down on the bed, but then everything gets fuzzy, and I don’t remember writing in my journal.

“Yuuri, will you bring my journal?” I ask.

“Your journal?” he asks softly, “Do you want me to record something in there for you?”

“No,” I tell him, “I want you to start from the beginning and read the short notes I wrote to you each day. Read them out loud.”

“Okay.”

There is a pause as he opens the book and finds the right page. He doesn’t start reading right away, and I feel his eyes looking at me.

“You wrote a note to me every day?” he asks.

“Yes. Will you please read them back to me?”

“Just the notes to me?”

“Yes.”

I listen quietly as he reads, and within a few entries, I begin to feel it in the words. I feel the slow, but undeniable change that I just couldn’t see before. Yuuri pauses amidst the set of entries and I can feel his eyes are on me again.

“You made all of these entries for me?” he says, sounding touched, “Victor, that was…good of you to share this with me. It makes me feel like I was almost there with you.”

I give him my warmest, most loving smile.

“Yuuri, there is never really a time that you aren’t with me, because you’re so far inside my heart. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he whispers, sniffing softly, “I do.”

He continues to read the entries aloud, but his voice wavers a little as he reaches the last few.

“You…signed this one Victor,” he comments, “You had signed them all Vitya up until this one.”

There is a long, uncomfortable silence between us.

“It’s really true, then,” I have to admit, “Bershov was messing with my head all along.”

It’s a frightening admission, because, right now? I have no idea what this man might have done to my mind and even less what he might have done to my body. I get a horrid, sick feeling and I start to feel dizzy.

“Victor, you’ve gone pretty pale,” Yuuri says worriedly, “Are you okay?”

“No, not really,” I have to confess, “It’s just…all of those times I was alone with him. Yuuri, I wonder what exactly did happen, since obviously, I don’t remember the reality. I have blank spots in my memory. What if he…?”

“Shh,” Yuuri soothes me, kissing me on the cheek and squeezing my hand, “Try not to worry about that. Bershov is going to be caught, and he will pay for what he’s done.”

“Maybe,” I whisper, “but he may have done things to me…while I was thinking I was Oska…”

“Stop. Don’t think about that right now,” he insists, climbing onto the bed and resting his head on my shoulder.

“He might have…compelled me to do things too. What if he wanted me to hurt you?”

“You would never hurt me,” he assures me, but I hear it in Yuuri’s voice.

The truth is, neither of us really knows what could happen.

“Yuuri, we aren’t alone, are we?” I ask in a haunted voice.

“You aren’t alone,” my mother’s voice says from nearby, “Vitya, I am here also.”

“Okay.”

My voice is shaking and I feel so scared, like I’ve never felt in my life. Even in the worst of times, I’ve never felt like I wasn’t in control of my own mind. Addiction made my body my enemy at times, but my mind always worked with me. To suddenly feel like my mind is something I can’t control…I don’t know…

“Victor, what can I do?” Yuuri pleads softly, “You’re trembling.”

“I just can’t wrap my mind around what’s happening. And Yuuri, I’m not just worried about myself. What if Bershov tries to hurt the others at the center? Vasily is there, and Bershov knows that I am close friends with him.”

“Don’t think like that.”

“Vasily has a _daughter_ , Yuuri, a beautiful, innocent little girl! Bershov could…!”

“Stefan isn’t going to let that happen. He’s…”

“He’s walking into danger too!” I exclaim, “Yuuri, it’s like Petya tried to tell me. Bershov isn’t just a monster, he’s a monster holding everyone’s strings!”

“He’s going to be…”

“What?” I demand, “He has hypnotized, not just me, but other people too. I _know_ he has! I see it now…how he used each of us and played with us while we were all focused on our addictions. I may have been his target, because he saw something in me that he wanted, but Bershov uses _everyone_. Yuuri, what if Nurse Ivken was just another of his pawns? Oh god, what if he’s also hypnotized Stefan?”

“Stop!” Yuuri snaps, putting his hands on my face, “Victor, if Stefan was hypnotized, then you would never have left that office. If Stefan was controlled by Bershov, he would have called him in to deal with you and Masha.”

“What about Petya and the journal?” I ask in a haunted voice, “I know that Petya must have realized what was going on, but he also knew that eventually, Bershov would catch on to him knowing. I think he hid his own journal, so that the truth wouldn’t be destroyed. He wanted there to be evidence in case he was incapacitated or killed. But we don’t know how many of the staff and patients Bershov affected. We don’t know who might still be an enemy.”

“Shh, you’re safe,” he assures me.

“I’m not the only one who matters, Yuuri!” I yell at him, “Look, you need to let me up, now!”

“What are you going to be able to do?” he asks pointedly, “You are not a police officer, and you are still affected by Bershov’s mental conditioning. If I released you, you could go into some kind of trance and go to him. That’s what he’s doing all of this for. You know that. Oska knows it too.”

“Oska doesn’t exist,” I scold him, “It’s just a thought that Bershov put into my head.”

“But you don’t control that thought,” he points out, “Whether he is in this room or not, he could still be influencing you. As long as that’s true, you need to stay here and let us protect you.”

“Even from myself?” I have to ask, “Yuuri, even if Bershov is caught and I’m deprogrammed, you and everyone else are still going to have your doubts about me, aren’t you? How can you really be sure, after all? Are you going to let me stay tied down then too?”

“No, I’m not!” he assures me.

“How do I know that?” I ask, “Right now, you don’t trust me, and I can’t trust myself. This is never going to be over, even if Bershov is captured, is it? I’m going to be put in a crazy house somewhere and left there to rot!”

“I won’t let that happen!” Yuuri hisses, “Victor, stop this now. I know you’re scared, and it seems like you’re trapped, but you have friends who are working really hard to protect you and to stop Bershov.”

“You know there’s only one thing that will stop him,” I say, almost reflexively, “He won’t stop until all of his enemies are out of the way, even if he has to kill them, or…or have them kill each other. He won’t stop until I go to him!”

“No!” Yuuri shouts.

I feel his body stiffen against even the suggestion.

“Victor, you can’t do that. If you go to him, and he gets his hands on you, then everything that the others have suffered…Masha, Tomas, Tolya, and whoever else he might have hurt or programmed other people to hurt…all of them will have suffered for nothing. You need to stay here with me, no matter what happens. You have to let Stefan and the authorities do their work. They will stop him, and then Stefan will make sure that you are deprogrammed. You just have to trust him. Trust me!”

“I do trust you,” I insist, “but there’s something that I keep seeing in my head. It’s a place, Yuuri. I don’t think I’ve ever been there, but I feel like Oska has been.”

“Victor, you have to stop this!”

“You don’t understand!” I shout at him, “Something happened there! I know it did! It’s something that Oska knows and he’s been trying to tell me.”

“Victor, you said yourself that Oska was put into your head by Bershov, right?”

“Yes, but…”

“Then, if he is just a false image that Bershov put in your mind, why would he give away information that would not benefit Bershov in some way? Think about it! Maybe he put that in your mind so that you would go there and he would be waiting to take you away! You have to consider the possibility.”

“I am,” I tell him urgently, “But you have to consider the possibility that it may not be something he meant for me to uncover. Yuuri, I _know_ that sometimes I would see things in his office, and they would trigger memories of things I thought were just my imagination. There was a picture I saw, one of Oska.”

“Victor, you’re not making sense!” Yuuri argues.

“Just listen, please! There were…papers that fell off of his desk and I remember some of the things I saw on them. If I try, maybe I can figure some of this out. I could be able to help Stefan and the others…”

“You have to stop, please!” he insists anxiously, “I am not going to let you leave here. And even if I wanted to let you up, Mirra-san is here to keep that from happening. You and I are both watched every minute to prevent you leaving and falling into Bershov’s hands.”

“But I can’t just sit here and let more people die!” I sob, unable to hold back my desperation anymore, “If anyone else dies…Vasily, Masha, _you_ , Yuuri! I couldn’t live with myself!”

“But you can’t control yourself,” he cries, finally breaking down into tears with me, “Your life depends on us _not letting you go_!”

“LET ME UP, YUURI!” I scream at him, losing control completely, “LET ME THE FUCK UP NOW!”

I hear the door open, then footsteps approach and stop by the bed. Yuuri tears himself away from me and I feel a pinprick in my arm. I’m glad he can’t see my eyes right now. I can hear him sobbing and I know without my eyes that my mother is holding him. I’m not sure what I scream next, but it’s in Russian, so hopefully, he won’t understand all of it. Weakness steals over my body and my chest heaves as I fight the sedative with everything in me. I hear Yakov hustling Mother and Yuuri out of the room, and then he returns and tells whoever gave me the shot to leave. I’m barely holding onto consciousness, and fighting for every second, when I feel his hand grip mine.

“Vitya, it will be all right.”

“H-how can you say that?” I pant, raging against the heaviness in my chest and eyelids, “You don’t know what he is doing. You don’t know what that bastard might already have done. You think you’re saving me by keeping me h-here, but if they…if they…d-die…”

I hear only one thing more before I collapse into unconsciousness.

“If anyone else dies, it is because we love you too much to let you go. At least, you can understand that.”

I sink down into blackness, but it’s strange, because I still feel aware. And even in the depths of my body, I am not alone. Oska is there, looking like he did in that old picture from Bershov’s office. He smiles sadly at me, and his lips move, but no matter how I try, I can’t hear the words. I see him moving closer, reaching out to me and pulling me free of the restraints. Only then can I follow as he leads me.

_I know where he is taking me. I have seen a picture before. While I am not conscious, I can remember that Doctor Bershov showed me a picture of the place…a tall, lonely tree shrouded cliff, somewhere in a park on the edges of Saint Petersburg._

_“It was winter,” I hear Bershov’s smooth voice tell me, “You went to the cliff alone to meet me. Do you remember what happened there?”_

_I don’t remember. I know I am not Oska, but there is something in everything he has said to me in these sessions, everything he has shown me. He can’t be telling me the truth about all of this. He keeps saying that I…that Oska died of Leukemia, but even though he says that, I keep seeing that image in my head. When he asked me about why I, or Oska, had gone to the cliff, I felt ice in my veins. Something happened there. I know it did. Something happened there that Bershov did not want Oska to remember, even when he awakened in my body._

_Yuuri said that because I am not Oska, I can’t know what happened, but I know if I go there, I can find a clue. I just have to get out of the place they are keeping me. I have to go and confront him!_

After I don’t know how long, the fog around me begins to fade. I come back slowly, and I find myself still lying in bed, but now I am in a locked room and left unrestrained. I can feel that I am being watched as I sit up and look around, feeling the weight of danger that everyone is facing, because this insane man wants me to come to him.

_Why are they risking their lives? All I have to do is go there and the answers will be there._

I sit on the edge of the bed, staring listlessly at the floor.

_This is what I was afraid of. They have thrown me in some loony bin, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life here, because of what he did to me._

_I wonder where everyone is?_

The room is plain and there is nothing inside that can be used as a tool for any kind of escape, be it literal or figurative. If I was trapped before, I am hopelessly so here. At the ends of my wits, I sit and cry without making a sound. I know that there is nothing left to do but to wait. I am so involved in my thoughts that I miss the first sound of gunshots outside the room. I stiffen when I realize, then I feel a sense of fate wrap around me. I’m quiet and calm as the gunshots ring out again, then the lock on my door clicks and the door creaks open.

XXXXXXXXXX

“Oska?”

I stand and stare in dismay as Senya steps over two bodies and reaches for my hand.

“Come, Oska,” he beckons me, “It’s all right. They won’t bother us now.”

I follow quietly, feeling the weight of Victor Nikiforov’s presence, his deep depression and anxiety over the people he loves. Victor is right to be frightened for him.

_Senya is a monster!_

I know this, but I also know that Victor’s heart can’t bear it anymore. He can’t sit, locked up in that room, while god knows what is going on outside, and who knows what has happened to the people he loves.

At least, I know the guards were not the ones who usually guard the family. As we exit the room, I see several more bodies, a physician who was probably taking care of me, another guard and then…Nurse Ivken.

I stare at Ivken’s open and shocked looking eyes and notice that he wasn’t shot from the front. He was shot in the back, probably by Senya, himself.

_When the strings have lost their usefulness, he cuts them._

“Oska, come away from him. He is nothing. We must leave now.”

I go because I know that there is no use in resisting. But beneath my skin, I feel Victor’s mind working and he manages to speak to me for just a few words.

_Go there!_

“Senya, can you take me to our special place?”

He frowns at me.

“Have you forgotten what happened there?” he asks.

I look at him quietly.

“That man who arrived and talked to you?” he inquires, “There was a struggle, and…”

And all of a sudden, Victor and I merge completely. We come to the same realization, and we know, beyond doubt, what happened at that place, so long ago.

_Senya killed us._

_I don’t know if he meant to, but somehow…we fell off that cliff._

_And now, he is taking us back._


	20. I Fell For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bershov's plans for Victor are revealed!

It’s so strange.

The last thing I remember is the door to wherever I was opening. I lost awareness after that, and now I know that Oska took over. I know, because the two of us are brought back together as Oska realizes our situation. Senya leads us out of the room, and I realize that I had been brought to a quiet residential home. The guards that lie on the floor are not familiar to me, so perhaps were hired to watch me. I start to shake as I recognize Nurse Ivken’s bloody and motionless body.

My feet stop and I feel a swell of sickness.

I also feel Senya’s eyes on me.

“Ah, Victor,” Senya says in a tone that tells me that my presence is not unexpected, “you are with us too? You are very sensitive to this, so…try not to look.”

“Where is Yuuri?” I ask him, knowing full well that he will either get angry at the question or probably refuse to answer, “Where are my parents? Where are…?”

“I was wondering that, myself,” he says in a strangely emotionless voice, as he leads me out of the house.

He holds an umbrella over us as he leads me to a waiting car.

“You didn’t hurt them?”

“They weren’t here to be hurt,” he says solemnly, “which leads me to think that they were setting up some kind of a trap for me. But, as soon as Nurse Ivken informed me about Masha knowing too much, I gathered my things and I left the rehabilitation center. We don’t need that environment anymore, anyway.”

Thunder booms ominously and the rain comes down harder.

“How did you know where to find us?” I ask.

Senya smiles and I feel prickles on the back of my neck.

“I think I will keep that to myself,” he chuckles, “It’s enough for me to tell you that no matter where they took you, I was going to find you.”

_So, he must have placed some kind of tracking device on me? I wonder where. Was it on my clothing, or did he use something that could be placed under my skin, or maybe swallowed? I’ve heard of those kinds of things before, but it’s unreal to think…_

“You didn’t look surprised at all to see me, but you did look unhappy. Are you remembering more now?”

“I think we both know that this is not memory,” I tell him, matter-of-factly, “You’ve said that you put Oska inside me, but that’s not what really happened, is it?”

We come to a dark colored car that is waiting at the curb. Nurse Derdova sits in the driver’s seat, but says nothing as Senya nudges me into the back seat of the sedan and climbs in with me. The car pulls away from the curb.

“Tell me why you chose me.”

His eyes narrow as he considers.

“I suppose there’s no harm in that,” he decides, “You see, Victor, you are a person in possession of a mind that is quite out of the ordinary. Genius, in any persuasion, requires a mind that can do something most people’s minds can’t.”

“What are you telling me?” I ask him, “I don’t understand you.”

“It’s all right,” he says, slipping an arm around me, “It’s confusing. But the easiest way to explain is to point out that you are a prodigy. You developed your abilities at a very young age, and you weren’t just a talented skater, you were, from the beginning, a master creator, Victor. You are not just known, but highly respected for having the ability to handle the making of your own programs, from beginning to end, without much help at all from choreographers or coaches. They call it innate talent, but it’s really just an indicator of an ability you have that few people do. The ones who do have this ability are the ones who become legends. Think of the great artists, Victor. Picasso, Michelangelo, DaVinci. And this is not just in the arts. Think, too, of the great inventors, Einstein, Edison and the like. People called them visionary. They are often seen as being _before their time_. They are often afflicted with terrible mental illness, because their ability… _your ability_ is both beautiful and terribly dangerous. Controlled and directed as your talent was by Yakov Feltsman, you maintained control and you developed into the world renowned skater you are today. You are lucky. Many such minds are not nurtured. They are called dreamers, and they are abused and even cast out or imprisoned before their greatness can be recognized. Thus, there are also those with minds like yours, who use their ability in horrific ways. Charles Manson comes to mind.”

“He was a maniac,” I say reflexively, feeling another swirl of sickness coming on, “You compare me to…?”

“Not you, Victor,” he says impatiently, “ _your mind_! Your mind is wired differently, and it is exactly that, which made you perfect for recreating Oska.”

“Recreating…?”

“You see,” he says, pulling me closer to him and looking into my eyes, “only the truly great artists are able to _build new worlds_ in their minds. It isn’t just thinking things up that sound brilliant, with people like you, your creations are laudable because when you create them, they are real to you. In our sessions the way I knew that you were this kind of mind is because I questioned you about how you create your programs. This is what you told me.”

“You questioned me about this under hypnosis?” I ask.

But, the answer is obvious.

He holds up his smartphone and a video begins to play, showing me lying on his couch in his office, with him in a chair, beside me.

“ _I think of something inspiring…a memory, perhaps. I immerse myself in that memory or feeling until I am reliving it in all of its detail. I make the moves to fit the emotions, then I send notes to my composer, detailing the mood I want…the exact feeling I want to convey. I even describe some aspects of sound that I want to enhance the experience. I draw the costumes based on what I think will bring the feeling across most appropriately, whether that is forcefully or more subtly. I do everything directed at taking that world I’ve created in my mind, and bringing it to life with music, movement and costume._ ”

“You see, Victor,” Senya whispers into my ear and sending fresh chills down my spine, “In my mind? In a normal mind? Oska was dead. But, in a mind like yours, he could live again. All I needed to do was to stimulate your mind to create him. I gave you the pieces, and you took that and recreated Oska for me! He is fully formed in your mind now, and I can see that you have merged, so that you are both aware. This is perfect.”

“Perfect for what?” I ask.

My heart starts to pound as the car slows, and even though it’s too dark to see where we are, I already know.

“I want him back now.”

_He’s crazy._

_He’s really insane._

“You want him back? And how does that happen?” I ask as the car stops.

He opens the door and drags me out with him, leaving the umbrella behind, so we’re almost instantly drenched and freezing. There is not even time to react as Derdova then drives the car over the cliff, and it crashes down. The sound of it is terrifying, and I don’t know if it explodes, because the rain is coming down so hard that it’s difficult to see. While I’m still frozen with horror at watching Derdova die, he pulls me up tightly against him, and he drags me towards the edge of the cliff. The moment I start to fight him, he uses the words he implanted in my mind to give Oska control. Oska still fights him, but he is fighting in a body that is not his own, and he is not an athlete.

_If Senya is telling the truth about me creating Oska in my mind, then, I know I should be able to regain control of myself somehow, but I don’t know how!_

“Oska,” he says adoringly, looking down into our eyes, “It’s time now.”

“Senya, stop!” Oska pleads, “Don’t do this! Let Victor go!”

“But I can’t do that,” Senya answers, pulling Oska into a passionate kiss.

The sounds of an approaching car reach us, and headlights train on us. Sirens sound in the distance.

“Victor!” Yuuri’s voice calls out.

“Yuuri, get back here!” Yakov shouts.

I can barely make out Stefan’s face as he grabs Yuuri and holds him back.

“Victor!” Yuuri screams again.

I want so much to answer, but Oska is in control of my body, and his attention is on the man holding us.

“Stay back!” Senya warns them, slipping a gun out of his clothing and firing a warning shot into the air.

He places the tip of the weapon under my chin.

“Unless you want him to die.”

_He’s going to kill us anyway!_

“Just stay back,” Senya continues, “I only want Oska.”

“What are you talking about?” Yuuri howls, fighting Stefan’s grip on him, “That isn’t your boyfriend! It’s Victor Nikiforov.”

“I _know_ who he is!” Senya scolds Yuuri, “I mean, I need to take Oska from inside him.”

“And how does that happen?” Stefan says in a low, carefully controlled tone, “What are you going to do to extract Oska?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Senya smile, but it’s so creepy, I feel like spiders are crawling on my skin.

“Yuuri Katsuki, come closer, but only you,” he orders Yuuri.

Yuuri glances at Stefan, who starts to object, but Senya pushes the gun deeper into my neck.

“I will kill him right now, if you don’t come,” Senya warns them.

“Let go of me,” Yuuri snaps at Stefan.

“Yuuri, no!” Yakov yells.

“Don’t you get it?” Yuuri shouts back, wiping the rain from his face, “He’ll kill Victor now if I don’t. I have to go to him. Let go.”

Stefan’s teeth clench, but he has no choice. Yuuri moves closer and Senya moves suddenly, pulling the gun away from my neck and training it on Yuuri instead.

_He’s going to shoot!_

I don’t know whether it is me breaking free of Senya’s control, or if it is Oska who can’t take any more and tries to fight. We grab Senya’s arm and pull him down, rolling around with him and struggling for control of the weapon. The gun goes off, but I don’t think it hit me. I see Yuuri trying to move closer, but he has to drop to the ground as the gun goes off again. Yakov and Stefan move in to help, but the gun fires a third time, and they dive to the ground.

We finally get a grip on the hand that holds the gun, but as we do, lightning flashes blindingly, and we realize we’ve come to the edge of the cliff. Senya looks into our eyes lovingly.

“Oska, It’s our time,” he says, holding on tightly to me and throwing his own body over the edge.

“No!” Yuuri howls, grabbing one of my wrists as I start to go over the edge.

He braces his feet on the rocky ground and holds on for dear life as Senya’s weight and mine drag him down, and he starts to slide towards the edge too.

“VICTOR!”

I manage to get my free hand wrapped around Yuuri’s wrist, so I’m holding on with both hands, and so is he. Still, our hands are wet and he can’t possibly continue to hold the weight of both of us. His legs catch on something, then Yakov and Stefan reach him and take hold of him.

“Oska,” Senya calls softly, sounding like the rain and all of the other people have suddenly disappeared.

He’s holding onto my waist, and I can feel his grip is tenuous. I think if I move suddenly, I may be able to throw him off, but even though I know that…I suddenly don’t know if I can do that.

 _We have to do it, Victor_ Oska’s voice says in my head, _He is going to kill us if we don’t._

I look down at Senya’s oddly serene face, and his smile warms.

“Come with me,” he coaxes Oska, “Oska, I want to tell you. I’m sorry for what happened that day. I came to our special place and I saw you with that man. I learned later, from your diary, that you were meeting him there to ask him to be our best man. I only saw you were hugging him and smiling, and I lost control. I attacked you without thinking, and we watched as he fell to his death. There was one horrible moment, when you looked at me like I’d become a monster, then we struggled, and you fell too. I want to tell you, I didn’t mean any of it. I’m sorry, and I wish there was another way for us, but even this image that Victor has made for us has its limits. So, I need you to leave Victor, and come back to me.”

“Victor!” Yuuri sobs, “Victor, our hands are slipping!”

I keep looking down as Senya begins to say something, and in my mind, I hear Oska scream.

Yakov and Stefan haul on Yuuri’s legs and I feel our hands slipping again.

“Hurry! I’m losing my grip!” Yuuri pleads, “Victor, stay with me!”

“Oska,” Senya says calmly, “The next words I say will separate you from Victor, and willplace you in my mind instead.”

_Can he really do that?_

He says something more, but I barely hear. I’m looking down into his eyes, so I’m watching as they widen and swell with wonder. He meets my eyes one more time and his smile is deeply grateful.

“Thank you, Victor. I don’t need you anymore.”

One of his hands lets go and retrieves the gun.

“It’s okay, Oska. It won’t hurt this time when we fall.”

An unholy sound exits my body as I try to kick the gun out of his hand, but he puts it to his head and pulls the trigger. Yuuri screams in dismay, and we watch as his body falls, soundlessly, into the blackness. Yakov and Stefan renew their efforts as the weight eases, and Yuuri drags me back up, onto the cliff edge as the others pull him to safety. Police are swarming the area and they head in our direction. We crawl away from the edge, then lock our bodies in a tight grip, and we won’t let go for anything!

“Are you all right?” Yuuri sobs, “He d-didn’t hit you?”

“No, he didn’t hit me,” I manage in a choked voice, “He wasn’t trying to kill me…just himself. Well, himself and Oska.”

Yuuri looks at me like he wonders if I’m right in the head. The others come closer and one of the policemen looks us over to make sure we’re not hurt.

“He told me that he chose me, because I make worlds in my head. He thought that I could make Oska live again in my mind, and then, he brought us back here. A long time ago, he came to meet Oska here, and he saw Oska with another man. It was innocent, but he misunderstood. There was a fight and both Oska and the other man fell. Senya…Bershov was left at the top of the cliff, in shock at what he’d done. I guess…maybe the bodies were never found…or Bershov was never connected to the crime.”

“There was a murder-suicide here, many years ago,” one of the policemen tells me, “But, we should get everyone back to where it’s dry. Then, we can get your statements.”

Yuuri and I hold onto each other as we’re guided to a waiting ambulance, where paramedics examine us more carefully and give us warm blankets to wrap around ourselves. When they’ve determined we’re not physically hurt, except for cuts and bruises, policemen interview us. It’s a long time that we’re there, then one of the policemen takes Stefan aside.

“Do you think we need to take Mr. Nikiforov to psych for evaluation?” he asks, “His story…”

“Victor is quite lucid,” Stefan assures them, “Remember, he was not telling us he believed what Bershov told him, he was explaining why Bershov chose him and did all of this. I think that the best place for Victor right now is at home with his family. I will stay with them until I am satisfied that he is all right.”

“But, he was talking about another person being in his head,” the officer objects, “What if that comes back?”

“Our dog knows!” Yuuri says suddenly, “Maccachin knows if Victor isn’t like himself. He noticed before.”

“Anyway, Oska is not a violent person,” Stefan argues, “It was Bershov and the others who committed all of the acts of violence.”

“Vasily!” I exclaim, feeling scared all of a sudden for my friend, “He didn’t hurt Vasily or the others, did he? He was controlling Derdova. He made her drive off the cliff! He made Ivken attack Masha!”

“He didn’t hurt the others,” Stefan assures me, “As soon as we had you, I went back and discovered that Bershov was gone. He was in a hurry, I guess, so his focus was on getting out before I got there. It’s okay. Vasily and the rest of the patients are fine.”

“Oh…that’s good.”

_I’m so relieved…_

I turn my eyes to Stefan, and he looks at me like he knows what I’m going to ask him. He gives me a gentle smile.

“I don’t think it would be good for you to go back to the rehabilitation center,” he tells me, “Victor, I want you to go home with Yuuri, and we can talk about your rehabilitation later. Go home. Get a good night’s sleep. You’re both going to need it.”

I barely remember the ride home, and I’m exhausted and hanging on to Yuuri as we undress and take a long, hot shower. I’m even too tired for words, so we don’t talk at all. He bathes himself and me, while I just hang onto him, then we dry off and fall into bed together. With Yuuri on one side and Maccachin on the other, I feel so warm and safe, I can finally drop off to sleep. Maybe it’s the exhaustion, but I don’t dream anything. Everything just disappears into quiet and darkness.

I don’t hear Oska’s voice or feel his presence anymore.


	21. On the Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor struggles with intense emotions about everything that has happened and finds comfort in a familiar place.

For the next few days, I feel strange inside. I’m aware of waking and sleeping. I know that when Yuuri sets food in front of me, I eat and drink a little. But I don’t leave my room, and barely leave the bed. I don’t speak to anyone. People come and go…Yuuri, Yakov, Stefan, my mother, even my brother and sister. But I feel far removed from everything that’s happening, almost like I felt when Oska was in control and I was still aware at the end…but Oska is not there, and really, neither am I. I see and hear what is around me. I know Maccachin won’t leave me, so Yuuri feeds him in our room, and he has to drag him outside every few hours to do his business.

Yuuri is an angel. He makes sure that I eat, sleep and stumble to the bathroom occasionally. After the third day in bed, he gets me up to shower while my mother changes the linens and freshens the room a little. Yuuri tries to coax me out into the living area, but I shake my head and resist until he just helps me back into bed. I pretend to go back to sleep, so that he’ll leave me alone, and I hear him talking to Stefan outside the door.

“It’s been three days and he hasn’t said a word!” Yuuri says in a soft, worried voice, “He won’t talk to anyone, and he doesn’t even look at us. It’s like he’s gone inside himself and shut down! I know you said he would probably be quiet while he processed everything, but I’m really scared. I’ve never seen Victor act like this, not even after his father tried to kill him!”

“I understand your concern,” Stefan reassures him, “and certainly, there’s reason to worry, but there are some encouraging signs too.”

“Like?”

“Like the fact that although he has been quiet, there has been no sign that Victor is responding to any lingering control by Bershov or the presence that he hypnotized Victor to create. Maccachin has not even once indicated to us that he sensed a change in Victor’s personality or presence. He is wholly himself, even if he is not, right now, communicating. He is showing signs of post traumatic stress and we’re dealing with that as best we can by making him comfortable, giving him routines of eating, visitation and sleeping, and I will start counseling him tomorrow.”

“How can you counsel him if he’s not communicating?” Yuuri objects.

“Well, at first, I won’t be able to do more than try to draw him out. I’ll work with him every day, and I think that he will soon begin talking to us again. I don’t know exactly how long it will take, but I do believe we can do this here, without disrupting his environment.”

None of us know yet, but Yakov has another idea about how to get me talking again. He arrives the next morning, after Yuuri has me up and showering, and he waits for me to come out, then steps between me and the bed. I start to go around him, but he takes me around the waist and drags me out of the room.

“Yakov, what are you doing?” Yuuri cries.

I struggle, but, with help from our bodyguards, he gets me into the car. He snaps at Yuuri to bring our skates, then he tells the driver to take us to the ice rink. I sit silently between Yakov and Yuuri on the way there, looking at neither of them and not saying a word.

“Are you sure we should be doing this?” Yuuri asks worriedly, “Stefan said…”

“I know, but we have given Vitya time, and time is not making a difference. He needs to be on skates. That’s the only thing I know that will wake him up. Do you think I’m wrong?”

Yuuri considers as the car carries us towards the rink.

“I don’t know,” he answers after awhile, “Maybe you’re right. We can give it a try.”

I feel Yakov’s arm wrap around me and his voice rumbles in my ear in a wonderfully familiar way.

“The ice has always been Vitya’s best way of communicating. We’ll put on his skates and get him on the ice, then we’ll see what happens when he is there.”

I still feel a million miles away, but when the car stops, and they lead me inside, the icy scents and the sounds of someone skating bring a little bit of life into me. I break away from Yakov as we reach the preparation area, and I put the skates on by myself, while Yuuri puts his skates on also. I head to the ice, and I do feel a sort of peace settle over me as I step onto the surface.

I start with very basic warm ups, figures, and gentle moves. Yuuri warms up with me, and shadows me as I move around the ice. My eyes close, but I don’t even need them right now. I’ve been skating at this rink since I was a child. There is not an inch of it that I don’t know, and Yakov has ordered the other skaters off to let me move more freely. And as my feet move, my mind begins to work.

This time, when I enter my private, internal creative place in my mind, I find that my inspiration is already there.

_He’s a young man with delicate features, and a gentle spirit. He’s quiet and intelligent, and he loves to paint. Every moment he can, he has a brush in his hand, and his mind is far away, working to build new worlds on canvas, for other people to see, for other people to enter, so they can be carried away from their own lives for awhile._

The moves I make on the ice as I take on Oska’s younger spirit are wavy and graceful, like the touch of his brush on the canvas. I know that I am smiling and I feel his warmth and happiness all through my body.

I hear Yuuri make a little surprised sound, and he moves away to let me work.

_A prodigy in the craft of painting, Oska is noticed by many people, but one man in particular cannot take his eyes off the young painter. As he watches Oska work, Arseni Bershov is instantly smitten. He catches the painter after a session, and strikes up a conversation. One thing leads to another, and the two begin a passionate romance._

My moves that express their love become sensual, and I recall that Yuuri has said that sometimes when I skate this way, he can almost see I am with someone. I layback and turn, then jump into along spin that begins with my body more open and extended, and ends with it curling in and spinning faster.

_Arseni knows that Oska is young and highly sought after, because of his growing ability, and it becomes harder, as things progress, for him to feel confident in their love. And without him meaning for it to happen, he begins to feel jealous. He tries to hide his growing obsession, but Oska can’t help but notice. He is fearful of that side of his lover, but still, he is happy when Arseni, or Senya, as he has become, proposes marriage. He calls a good friend to meet him, so that he can ask his friend to be their best man._

I can hear the music in my head now, playing out the approaching danger that Oska doesn’t see coming.

_Oska is immersed in sharing the good news with his friend, but the friend gives him a warning. He feels something is wrong, but he can’t put his finger on it. Still, he agrees to be best man, and he promises to always be there for his friend. They express their happiness and commitment in a fond embrace._

The music in my head darkens, and the sounds I hear in my mind are like Senya’s heavy footsteps, as he approaches and sees the two men holding each other. My movements on the ice sharpen. I increase the speed and add hard, sweeping motions with my arms as I turn and glide backwards, then change direction, spread my arms again, turn and glide.

_Arseni is older than Oska, and he knows that this has caused some people to question their romance. He has sensed that Oska’s closest friend does not approve of him, and when he sees this man embracing Oska, he loses control and flies into a rage. He moves without thinking, tearing the invader away from his Oska, and punching him several times while Oska pulls at him and pleads with him to stop. He doesn’t mean for it to happen, but they’ve come close to the edge, and when he lets go of the man, Oska’s friend tumbles over the edge, screaming in terror as he falls to his death. Oska screams too, and though he holds on to Senya for a moment, his eyes round and he shakes all over with fear. His instinct to run takes over and he struggles to break away. Arseni grips him tightly, but Oska manages to pull free._

_The lovers have one frozen moment where their horrified eyes meet, then Oska descends into a fast, violent death._

“Victor?”

I open my eyes and find my body stretched out like a fallen corpse on the ice. Yuuri’s face is drenched in tears, Yakov looks pale and barely in control, and everyone else is staring. The rink is dead silent.

I let Yuuri pull me onto my feet, and he takes over, then, guiding me to the edge of the ice. He carefully places the blade covers on my skates and leads me to the preparation area, where he removes my skates and puts my shoes back on. He and Yakov hustle me out of the rink, and they start to lead me to the car.

“N-no!” I complain.

They look shocked, because it’s the first word I’ve said in days, and there’s no way I should be wandering around in the state I’m in. But Yuuri looks quietly at Yakov, then he nods at Maret and Sava, who fall in behind us, letting Yuuri and me walk, holding hands.

“It’s nice, now that the rain has stopped,” Yuuri comments, “I don’t blame you for wanting to walk home instead.”

Yakov watches as we leave, then he turns and heads back inside.

Halfway home, there is a bar that I used to frequent on the way home in the evenings sometimes. This early in the day, it’s a pub, and people talk and laugh as they eat at the tables outside. I feel my feet stop, and I stare at the place, trying to imagine how many times I entered that place and staggered out drunk. I’ve been a heavy drinker for over thirteen years, so it’s a lot of times. I can even feel the sensation of being drunk, and as I do, I start to feel a desire to be empty like that. The ghosts of Arseni and Oska are so real and so palpable, I would do anything to make them go away for awhile.

 _Yes, I really want a drink_.

_No, I want to be drunk._

But then, my mind goes back to my entry into the rehabilitation center, the thoughts and emotions I felt inside, when I said a tearful goodbye to Yuuri and gave myself over to the program.

_I didn’t want to keep drinking like that. That day, I chose sobriety. I spent the next week in hell, drying out, throwing up, losing consciousness and suffering night terrors, tremors and worse. I laid in the infirmary, not sure if I was going to live. Choosing sobriety was a struggle, but there was a reason that I chose that struggle._

“Yuuri?”

Tears run down his cheeks and he can barely answer me.

“Yes, Victor? What is it?”

“What was it like when I was skating back there?” I ask.

He looks a little surprised, but he takes a breath and answers.

“The first part was like a love story. It started out radiating sweetness and innocence, then it grew into a powerful passionate romance. It ended feeling dangerous, like an obsession.”

“And in the next part?”

Yuuri nods.

“The darkness grew. It was like there was sound, even though there wasn’t any music playing. The moves you made were fast, sharp, almost violent, and I could feel the danger grow into something terrifying. It felt like when we were struggling with Bershov at the edge of that cliff, then you laid back and turned, and you dropped onto the ice. It was beautiful skating, Victor, probably some of the most beautiful skating you’ve ever done, but…I was…all I could see was…”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You had to get it out somehow, didn’t you? And if it’s what you want, it will probably make one of the best programs you’ve ever created.”

“Oh, I don’t know if I can,” I tell him, feeling sick to my stomach at the thought, “Some things are just too real…too…close. I don’t know how to say it, but…”

“It’s okay,” Yuuri says, pulling me in and holding me tightly, “I know.”

We stand there, holding each other for several more minutes before I can pull myself away, and we continue on our way. When we arrive at the house, we find Stefan is there, waiting for us. He waves and smiles as we meet him on the walkway.

“Victor, Yuuri, good morning,” he greets us, “Yakov told me that there was some excitement down at the ice rink, and he thought that you might want to talk about it with me?”

I’m not at all sure I’m ready to do that, but I nod, and we go inside. We sit down at the kitchen table and Yuuri begins to prepare some food for us. Stefan is quiet. He looks me over and sighs.

“I understand that some of the stress came out of you while you were skating,” he comments.

We’ve talked in our sessions at the rehab center about how stress can exit the body…how different people have different ways of making it happen, and how to discover and take advantage of our sources of stress release. I skate my emotions, so he’s right on track that this was what was happening at the ice rink.

“I’m glad that you found a way to work off some of the anxiety,” he says, smiling encouragingly, “I’m proud of you. Barely two weeks into your program, and you are already integrating what you’ve learned.”

“I…don’t want to be a drunk idiot anymore,” I tell him, “I want better than that for Yuuri and me. It doesn’t mean that I’m not tempted. We passed a bar on the way home, and I was tempted. I just decided that there was something more important to me than making myself numb.”

“What was that?” he asks.

I can feel Yuuri stealing glances at us as I answer.

“I want to marry Yuuri, and…I really want to have a child for us to raise together. Maybe more than one.”

Stefan’s smile is so warm and kind that it almost makes me feel like crying.

“Those are some very beautiful desires, Victor,” he says approvingly, “Have you and Yuuri talked about these things?”

“No. There hasn’t really been time, with everything that’s happened.”

I meet Yuuri’s eyes and smile at him.

“But I want to.”

Yuuri comes to the table and sits down beside me. He takes my hands in his and I can see that what I’ve said makes him really happy.

“I want to get married too,” he assures me, “And we’ll work together to figure out how we might be able to have a child,” he promises, “because I want that too!”

His smile fades a little, but he still looks hopeful as he goes on.

“I just want to be sure that you’re going to be okay first,” he says tentatively, “You’re still technically in rehab, and you’ve just been through something awful.”

“ _We’ve_ been through something awful,” I correct him, “I agree. I need to finish rehab. I just…don’t know if I can go back there.”

“You don’t have to go back, not to stay, anyway,” Stefan offers, “Given everything, I think it would be better for you to finish your program here, in your home, Victor.”

“I can do that?” I ask hopefully.

“Yes, you can do that,” he explains, “You’re not a prisoner, and as your counselor, I can change the outline of your program, as is needed to help you reach your goal of sobriety. If you feel that what happened has eroded your trust in me, as your counselor, I can also refer you to someone else. I feel bad about how Bershov used all of us and abused you.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I tell him firmly, “Bershov was pulling everyone’s strings. It was like Petya said. He was the one holding all of the strings. He fooled a lot of people into trusting him. That isn’t your fault. Besides, I’ve gotten used to you. I don’t know if I could get used to another stranger. You’ve at least proven that you are someone who cares about me and wants me to succeed.”

“I do,” he says warmly, “So, here’s what I think. We can continue to meet here to plan each week, kind of like we did in the rehab center. You will go to the rehab clinic as an outpatient for meetings and classes to support your sobriety, and we’ll check in at the end of each week to share notes on how the week went. How does that sound to you?”

“I can do that,” I answer.

_I’m so glad that I don’t have to go back there. I will miss seeing Vasily and my other friends, of course, but…_

“How is Masha?” I ask him, “And how are Petya and Tolya?”

“Masha is up and around,” Stefan answers, “I went to see her this morning. Petya is talking to the police. Tolya is awake, but he’s still a little dazed and not really responding very much to anyone. His doctors feel that he will recover, but he just needs more time.”

“Hmm, that is good. Maybe I will go and see Masha tomorrow.”

“I think she would appreciate that,” Stefan chuckles.

“I think she’ll probably insult me a few times and complain at me for not listening to her before.”

“That sounds like her,” Yuuri laughs softly.

“Better rest up for that,” Stefan advises me.

We talk for a little longer as we eat together, then Stefan leaves and Yuuri and I are alone together. We go to our room to lie down as the sky outside clouds up again, and it begins to rain. We cuddle without making love, then we fall asleep to the sound of the rain. It’s dark when we wake up again, and Yuuri leaves me alone to go and make dinner. I lay against the pillows in my bed and pick up my journal from the nightstand.

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_You need to know that you are my angel, and my biggest inspiration, not just in my skating or in my fight for sobriety, but in my whole life. I can’t imagine a day without you in it, and I look forward to being married to you and making a family together. I promise you that I will work hard to continue to fight for my sobriety. I will be a good husband to you, and someday, I will be a good, devoted father._ **

**_I know you are worried about me, and I can’t say with any certainty that there is no reason to worry, but we’ll tough out the scary things together now. I am one hundred percent committed to making a future with you that is every bit as beautiful as our history. For now and forever I am…_ **

**_Your Vitya._ **


	22. Never Waste a Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor's graduation from Rehab. :)

**_Dear Yuuri,_ **

**_I am happy to have finally reached this day with you. No, it’s not our wedding. We still have that ahead of us. Today is an important day for us for a different reason. We’re getting dressed nicely and going back to the rehabilitation center, but this time, it is to celebrate. The last sixty days have been filled with difficult things. We shed so many tears, both together and apart, while I was learning to control my addiction. I am sorry for the pain that my drinking caused you. You, of all people, who taught me that we don’t have to fight alone…that there are people who will stand by us and help us to find new strength and inspiration. You did not deserve to be hurt by the choice I made so often, to pick up a glass and drink. I will make a vow to you now that I will keep as faithfully as the vows I will take on our wedding day._ **

**_I will not let my addiction to alcohol hurt you or me ever again. Even though I still sometimes feel a desire or a need to drink, I feel a stronger one to remain true to our love, and to the dreams that we have for our future. I will be the husband to you and the father to our someday children that all of you deserve to have._ **

**_With all my love,_ **

**_Vitya_ **

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Okay, I admit that my eyes aren’t dry when I finish my last journal entry. It took me forever to find the right words and to say enough, but not too much. Every word came from the heart, and maybe the tears in my eyes are just from the effort of getting them out, or maybe it’s because they bring back everything that happened along the way.

Even after I returned home in the wake of Bershov’s craziness, for awhile I wasn’t myself. I don’t know how Yuuri managed when he would find me sitting alone and crying for no reason I could think of, or when I would wake from a bad dream, shaking all over, sometimes screaming or crying and sometimes sick to my stomach. But his arms were my safe place through everything, and Stefan’s kind words, advice and encouragement were my guide. I won’t lie and say that my release from the program means I am magically cured. First of all, an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even if he never drinks again. He is always a drink away from a relapse and has to think constantly about his actions. Secondly, release only means that I have mastered the skills to prevent a relapse. I have to want sobriety and be willing to fight for it. That is my own personal lifelong battle.

But I do not fight alone.

I am never alone.

“Victor?”

I look up at Yuuri as he enters the bedroom, and I have to blink because he shines so brightly with love and pride. He’s as happy as I am that we’ve reached this day. We’ve had to put the rest of our lives on hold while I fought this battle. Today, we have earned the ability to move forward with our dreams. I look at him, and I am so touched by the pride with which he looks at me. I know, of all people, Yuuri understands everything that made this battle necessary, and he will never forget the slow and painful steps it took to cleanse my body, my mind and my soul from the need to feel numb.

Whatever life throws at us, we will be strong enough to handle it together, without numbness.

I have come to see that the numbness I sought from alcohol, though it did take the edge off the pain in my life, it also stole away many moments that would have been so beautiful. I can’t get those moments back, I can only make myself determined that I will not miss any more of them. This…is one of those beautiful moments…standing in front of the person I love most, and seeing him so happy that there are tears in his eyes. He is proud of me, and I am proud of myself. Yes, this is a beautiful, wonderful moment.

Unable to help myself, I drag Yuuri down on our bed and I pull our clothes off while he sputters about us being late and everyone waiting. But, everyone can wait just a little longer while I pour my love out in kisses and caresses, as I whisper my gratitude into his ear. Yuuri can’t help but be swept up in the sweetness of this victory and he stops resisting.

Everything about him is sweet and delicious. His mouth tastes so good and kisses back with ferocity. His hands touch me everywhere, and what words he can form are panted out breathlessly as I join our bodies and the need for words disappears altogether. This love dance feels special, monumental among all of the times we have partaken of each other. Thinking as we move together, I realize that when Yuuri and I became coach and skater, we were both broken. Each of us needed something that we could only find together. This…this time right now? It is the first time we’ve made love as whole people. And our climax feels explosive. It leaves us enraptured and in awe of just what we are when we are together.

Now, we realize, we really are going to be late.

We giggle together as we clean up and dress, then we endure Yakov’s snapping and scolding as we get into the car for the ride back to the rehabilitation center. Mother’s eyes look into the rearview mirror at me, and I want to cry at how happy she looks. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her look that happy.

As we reach the rehabilitation center, there is a moment when I meet Yakov’s eyes, and I can tell that the old man and I are thinking about the same thing. We remember together that day he tricked me into coming here. I felt betrayed and I was angered by Stefan’s smile and the questions that he asked. I hated the doctor who examined me that day touching me. I just wanted to go home and bury myself in a bottle. I will never forget how I made my father cry that day. I won’t let it happen again.

We walk in the front doors, and I recall how I was barely in control on the outside and shaky and scared on the inside when I first came here. Now, the area is decorated, and the staff that is there are all smiling. Of course, some are not there. There is a younger man who has taken Doctor Bershov’s place, and Nurses Ivken and Derdova are gone. But still, most of the faces are familiar, and where they were usually serious while I struggled to regain control of my body, they are sincerely happy for me now.

I feel my breath catch as I see Masha is here, not dressed like a patient anymore, but looking sharp and lovely. She has been through a lot, protecting me, so there are still signs that she is hurting a bit inside. But she smiles and hugs each of us.

“It’s good to see you,” I tell her, “You look well.”

“I am getting there,” she tells me, “It’s good to see you too, ice fairy.”

“I hear you accepted Yakov’s offer to be bodyguard for my mother,” I comment.

“What can I say,” she chuckles, “I love trouble.”

“Welcome to the family.”

Vasily grabs me and hugs me tightly, like a brother.

“You look great!” he laughs.

“You too,” I laugh, “You call me when it’s your turn for this. We’ll have a big party.”

“I can’t wait.”

His smile gets even bigger.

“Victor, I have to tell you, I just got word from my manager about the video shoot that we did with you and Yuuri. He thinks it’s going to be a hit. I have sponsors for a new tour, and I negotiated a gentler schedule, so that Aurora and I can see the sights while we travel. Calina is going to go with us.”

“I’m happy for you,” I tell him, “Let me know when the video is number one.”

“With you and Yuuri in it, it’s amazing!” Vasily gushes, “I just can’t wait to get out of here and touring again.”

“You’ll get there,” I assure him, “We both will.”

Stefan greets me, and I see that Filip has come to the center to support me too. I hug them both, then we move on to the large meeting room, where all of the current patients, as well as my family and close friends sit in chairs. Yuuri goes to sit down with my parents and Masha, while Stefan has me join him in front of everyone.

“Good to see all of you,” he greets them, “and a special welcome to all of Victor’s family and friends. I share in the happiness you all feel today as we celebrate Victor’s release from the program. At one time or another, I know everyone in this room has played a role in his recovery, and let me just say that while he has struggled with his own addiction, Victor has managed to also play a role in others’ recovery as well. Please, let’s take a moment to share some stories…”

His grin widens.

“ _…inspiring_ stories of the days that all of you have spent with Victor while he has been a part of the recovery program with you.”

One by one, the people who were here, the ones who witnessed my struggles, share stories of my successes and my failures, my hard battles and my little, but profound victories. My eyes get wet as Tolya speaks. He is still very pale and his body shakes when he speaks, but he is grateful to Masha and to me for getting him down, for saving his life. And he says something else too.

“Victor, I am going to be honest that I looked down on you at first. I was raised to think that a relationship between two men was an abomination.”

His mother’s eyes tear up at that.

“But you and Yuuri are not an abomination. You’re an inspiration for me to be honest with myself and my family. And just maybe, I’ll grow strong enough to be myself without apologizing. I’m glad you have succeeded. It gives me hope that I will too.”

The stories go on, until it’s Yakov’s turn, and he stands and looks into my eyes.

“I don’t have a particular story to share,” he tells everyone, “I can only say one thing, and that is I am proud that Victor is my son. I’ve seen him have to be strong through things that no one should have to. And while he may have turned to alcohol, when he decided to defeat his addiction, he faced it with the same courage and strength that he gives every time he steps onto the ice. I am proud of you Victor, and I love you.”

I have to go and hug him after that.

My mother speaks next, and she makes it even harder for me not to cry, but everything seems to stop and go really, really quiet, not just in the room, but in my heart as Yuuri stands and faces me. He leaves the chairs and comes to me. His hands clasp mine and we share a kiss. Then, he looks into my eyes and I’m crying already.

“Victor, from the time I was a little boy, you’ve always been my inspiration. From the first time I saw you skate, until right now, you have taught me how to be a stronger person, how to embrace the love that was around me and to use that emotion to grow even stronger. I know it’s been hard letting me in when it was you who was struggling. That took a lot of trust. It took courage. I have to say that all of this has made me appreciate even more what a strong person you are. That’s not to say you are perfect, but that you try and you keep on trying. You never give up, not in your programs, not with me, and not in your struggle for sobriety. I am… _amazed_ by you, and I am honored to be the one who you have chosen to spend a lifetime with. I can’t wait for us to be married. I can’t wait for everything that the future holds for us. I love you.”

“I love you too,” I somehow manage to whisper as we kiss again and he sits back down.

Stefan turns his attention to me.

“Victor, you have fought a difficult battle with addiction, and you will continue to fight for the rest of your life. As you leave this program, what advice do you have to share with your fellow addicts?”

I take a shaky little breath.

“Appreciate the small things. Take time to notice the things you usually overlook while you are focusing so hard on sobriety…a walk outside, fresh air, lovely flowers, the shapes of icicles, warm food, a good night’s sleep, good friends and silly moments. Those are the things that kept me moving forward, even when I had no big wins, I had these little things. Those things matter. Hang onto them and let them inspire you. And never forget who supports you…those people you know are always with you, always believing in you, even when you can’t believe in yourself. Be good to yourselves…and always do your best. You are…enough.”

With the speeches and stories done, we move on to the food and drinks that have been provided. I realize as I talk to everyone that a part of me is going to miss being here with them. I will still attend private counseling and some meetings, but the focus will shift to making sobriety a part of my life.

When the party is over, Yuuri and I ride home in the back of Yakov’s car. We are worn out, but we are so happy, because today, we begin a new step forward. When we get home, after a good night’s sleep and a hot breakfast, we will begin our planning. In a few short months, in a country that will allow it, Yuuri and I are going to be married.

I can’t wait.

I know it will be an adventure worth waiting for.


End file.
